#1
Edit : edited. yeah.

sonnet try

once and for all

I put on a mask and a sterile glove
I make a living out of repairing
fields of chipped promises and wrecked love;
bodies that were never meant for sharing

I can fix the worn-out joints and I can
alter paper skin so it can't be cut
I can act poised and cement strong, like a man
should act for you to feel safe and sound but

mending stitches is barely clinical
...what's in this job that I used to call mine?
no, you're broken and merely functional
the collarbone of my shivering spine

I hang my mask and write apologies ;
I am down and out with silly surgeries
Last edited by circular.parade at Mar 5, 2009,
#2
Quote by circular.parade
sonnet try

once and for all

I put on a mask and a sterile glove
I make a living out of repairing
fields of chipped promises and broken love;
This line was by far the best.
bodies that were never meant for sharing
Although I'm not too keen on the rhyming, this stanza really was great. I don't think I'd change anything, to be honest.

I can fix the worn-out joints and I can
alter paper skin so it can't be cut
I can act invulnerable, like a man
should act for you to feel safe and sound but
This was horrible. Although what you're saying is good, but the way you sacrificed structure to make it pseudo-rhyme (i.e. cutting off mid-sentence so that the last word on the line rhymed) made me cringe. Sorry if this is harsh, but it's true.

mending stitches is barely clinical
...what's in this job that I used to call mine?
no, you're broken and merely functional
the collarbone of my shivering spine
This stanza was again good, except for the use of the word 'functional', I didn't like it and I'd change it. Other than that, it was good.

know that I'm tired and won't answer your call,
that I will accept to see your worlds fall
Ending was decent, maybe change 'that' to 'and'?


As a whole this was good, but the rhyme scheme really restricted you, and the quality unfortunately suffered as a result of it.

c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1080011

I know it's long, but just a brief look would be appreciated
#3
I totally disagree with michal23. I didn't actually notice the rhyming until the last couplet, since I wasn't looking for it (I don't think of you as one of we "rhymers," on the strength of having read probably all of one of your poems... ). I thought the second couplet was outstanding, and the break between the second and third was made very strong with the last word of the second couplet emphasizing the shift in mood.

Didn't much like the last four lines, though. That's not true, actually. I liked the next-to-last line, which felt to me like a commentary on the state of medical practice, particularly hospital practice - that the doctor, exhausted, will refuse to answer the request to come in for another 12-hour shift. However, the previous two lines and the last line didn't help me out with that feeling; I didn't get much sense of your intent with them. It's possible (likely) that I totally missed the ball, here, and that I don't understand the point of the poem at all.

peace
#4
This was was beautiful, but i do have some problems with it. I'll let you know as soon as I have time. Probably later this arvo.
#5
I thought this was very nice.

Sonnets are hard to write and this was a decent effort. Few comments:

1) The rhyming feels way two forced. I love rhyme but the piece has to maintain a flow, and it seems to lose it at points (especially stanza 2).

2) Alot of the rhymes are rigid and feel repetitive. Try expanding on what constitutes a rhyme and include things that aren't perfect rhymes.

3) try to end ideas on lines or sentences. Stopping mid sentence for a rhyme like you do in stanza two looks and feels disjointed and bad(for lack of a better word)

Despite all that, this was a good effort and you should be proud of it.
#6
romanqwerty has an interesting point (and an unexpectedly easy forum handle to type ). In Norse poetry, there was the concept of a half-rhyme, like the resonance between, say, "kenning" and "tendon." There were very formal rules about how and when these rhymes were to be used, but I just mention it.

peace
#7
michal and roman, I understand what you mean about stanza two but it ain't changing. I like the alternative in flow, and as a writer, it worked for what I intended it to be. Nilchii hit the nail on the head with the mood switch.

check out my other stuff if you want, I believe that I have an understanding of rhymes and poetry in general (lol...), I just did want to try and write something with very strict formal boundaries and try to maneuver within them. I sound like an ass trying to back my shit up, but I mean, perfect rhymes ain't going anywhere, this was the purpose of the exercise. right?

On the other hand, I agree with most comments. The ending couplet is bugging me to no end, but I want it to clearly and bluntly mean what it does. I guess with boundaries both on content and form, this piece is an absolute hit or miss (seemingly the latter) and I am willing to go with this. Thanks for the sincere opinions, I will return critiques, just feed me a link.

#8
"I want it to clearly and bluntly mean what it does," you say. My question, then, is what is it supposed to mean? "That I will accept to see your worlds fall" doesn't immediately scream with meaning for me. Reading closely, I get that you're using acceptance as resignation to something, rather than receiving something, but there's got to be a better way of saying that. "I am resigned to seeing your worlds fall?" I don't know. It's just hard for me to parse, is all. Maybe others don't have the same issue.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Mar 5, 2009,
#9
it's about feeling tired of a role in somebody else's life and accepting to let this person down.

edit ; made corrections. No problem with your post; ask me if I care.

peace.
Last edited by circular.parade at Mar 5, 2009,
#10
{EDIT}

Sorry, my initial reply was confrontational, rude, and unhelpful. What I'm trying to say is that although the poetics of the last two lines may mean that to you, the English of the lines does not convey your intention to me.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Mar 5, 2009,
#12
Stanza two was too wordy, although I liked the beat made by the line breaks.

Good, m'dear, very good.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
The only thing that could make it more obviously like a Shakespearean sonnet would be more of a volta in the third stanza, I think it's kind of their bot a more emphasized one might make the last two lines more effective.

They're also not usually separated into stanzas like that, but that's not really important, lol.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#15
...what's in this job that I used to call mine?
no, you're broken and merely functional


I hated this bit. It was waaaay too cliche, and didn't really bring much to the table, especially since this stanza is somewhat of a climax (at least to me). This was where the violin comes out and you start singing "I loooooooooooooooovee yooooooooooouuu!"

I thoroughly enjoyed the first two stanzas. Wouldn't change a thing. The last line of the piece was somewhat anti-climactic, though. "Down and out" was odd, as was "silly surgeries" .

Still, solid piece. The rhyming didn't really hurt it for me, and the flow was very nice in some spots, such as stanza two.

Link in my sig if i was of help.