#1
i just finished a song ive been working on for over a month and frankly i think its the greatest song ive written, but just because of the way its sung. this song is all about moving on after a tough breakup actually for the longest time i didnt even know what the song was about i just let it write itself i think thats why it took so long but once i was getting down to the last lines i really found out that thats wht its about:
____
Take me away from this place, I can't take another second
Lately it's all been the same, I can't make the ends meet again,
and again, what is going on
If life's like one big puzzle then I'm missing one piece
I think that this is so lame, but I'm stuck in a routine
Let me go, what is going on, now, I don't know where I belong

I want to be the song that's stuck in your head,
and I want to be the boy you dream of in bed
Am I trying too hard, or are you not trying enough
Meet me halfway

Lying is the endless struggle, why can't I just be straight with you
Time moves and we do too, in the end it all falls into place
Where is mine, what is going on
Taking full advantage, of things I've grown to love
You said it wasn't personal, but I know it's none of the above
Let me go, what is going on, now I don't know, where I belong

I want to be the song that's stuck in your head,
and I want to be the boy you dream of in bed
Am I trying too hard, am I trying too hard
Well this pain in my heart will soon go away,
and I will see it wouldn't have worked out anyway

Say goodbye, what is going on, I shut the door,
I'm moving on
Last edited by zchavez09 at Mar 4, 2009,
#4
well in the verses every single line
ex:
Take me away from this place, I can't take another second

The first word is always a held note (2 counts) and the word before the comma seperating line is also held for two counts then after three lines in the verse there is a line where i do halt and kind of hold notes like this
ex:
(second part of the second line)
I can't make the ends meet again (is like the other lines but then right after that it goes) and again, what is going on (after and again, -what is going on- what is a held word and going is a held word while is and on are just normal one beat words) it continues in that throughout all the verses (if you see the pattern) and every sixth line of a verse (the last line of each verse) is just like the third line only twice and the last two lines are like such.
the choruses are easy they are just quickly sung through

does that make anysense? lol
#6
So I read this song, and I felt that
"I want to be the song that's stuck in your head,
and I want to be the boy you dream of in bed
Am I trying too hard, or are you not trying enough
Meet me halfway"
Was a great phrase. It definitly has a lot of meaning. It is a very strong line. I give you kudos on that and the rest of the song fits very well around it. I would love to hear a recording of this. I'm excited to hear that recording.
#7
Nice. Having hope is a good thing. I'm glad you wrote a song that... hmmm that isn't a song that says "my life sucks, death I love, death I love...", if you know what I mean. Props for writing on an uncomfortable subject.
Shag
#8
This is very nice. Its a pretty common subject to songwrite, but this stood out a bit.

The verses aren't anything special but they aren't bad either. Maybe try punching them up a little bit. Im not sure what it is, and it may disapear with music, but i get the feeling of them just as padding between choruses.

That said, the chorus is fantastic. Nothing else to say about it. Fantastic.

The other main thing. Its too short. It feels like its just getting going and then it ends.

I think it needs atlease another verse/chorus then a bridge/solo then chorus again.
#9
thank you all for the crit the thing about this song is that i was writing songs that were too long and songs that had too much punch in them i just wanted to make a song that was short and gave a message with out being too in your face.
ill see if i can do a recording of it then post it