#1
Hi, I heard nothing about you as of recently
and even more-so I bet...
you've heard nothing about me
and even further down in this toy box
you will find the garbage i tried to write for you
But that's all buried now
and just under that is the threshold of a love
a love I thought I had a chance at
Thought being a keyword here.

See the fucked up thing is that
I still feel ever-so strongly about what could have been
and I keep trying to place even bigger objects and burdens over it
but this toybox, this little Pandora of a object collector
is keeping all of these objects
ever so neatly organized
and visible
but sadly
not viable

Because nothing can make you viable

We knew each other for what, three months?
And I got hooked, like something I never thought was possible
I am one of those non-believers of love at first sight
I say, its more-or-less lust, its more-or-less dumb luck
to even get a chance at some one
awe-inspiring
captivating
down right
beautiful
And the kicker is that my stupid little idea-machine conjured up
the stupid little idea bubble
of me
me
Erik, your Humble and Hurting Narrator
with God as his witness
having a chance
Ha-

It's nothing like having that shot down at somewhere you love
The feeling is just oh-so
good.

and I think I'll be stuck on this topic for awhile
and every little bird and bee that has been so kind as to read
probably,
see's it
so sorry
because now I've been thinking
Heh,
Well, It's been awhile

goodnight.
this one is for you.
#2
It has been a while. Welcome back, Eric, good to see you've still got the knack. What a way to say hello. Now write more ****, I missed you man
#3
I feel good times a' coming, and am so happy I got over a nasty bit of writers block
you got any pieces you want me to check out?(that goes for anyone who reads this)
this one is for you.
#4
Quote by Ebshabutiee
Hi, I heard nothing about you as of recently
and even more-so I bet...
you've heard nothing about me
I'd reword the second two lines, here. They're fine, content-wise, but I disliked the way they were worded.
and even further down in this toy box
you will find the garbage i tried to write for you
I liked this, but I'd change "garbage", I don't think it matches the rest of the tone.
But that's all buried now
and just under that is the threshold of a love
Comma or semi-colon after "love".
a love I thought I had a chance at
Hyphen or colon after "at"
Thought being a keyword here.

See the fucked up thing is that
I still feel ever-so strongly about what could have been
and I keep trying to place even bigger objects and burdens over it
but this toybox, this little Pandora of a object collector
is keeping all of these objects
ever so neatly organized
and visible
but sadly
not viable
I had absolutely no problems with the whole stanza at all, it was fantastic, except for "viable" right at the end. Obviously I can see the word play, but I don't think it works to be honest, I think the word was quite out of place.

Because nothing can make you viable
Despite "viable", IMO, not working in the last stanza, I think this whole sentence worked beautifully. Strange, but oh well - that's just my opinion.

We knew each other for what, three months?
And I got hooked, like something I never thought was possible
I'd add a similie here, i.e. "hooked like a..."
I am one of those non-believers of love at first sight
I say, its more-or-less lust, its more-or-less dumb luck
This line was fantastic!
to even get a chance at some one
awe-inspiring
captivating
down right
beautiful
And the kicker is that my stupid little idea-machine conjured up
the stupid little idea bubble
of me
me
Erik, your Humble and Hurting Narrator
with God as his witness
having a chance
Ha-
"And the kicker[...]" onwards was simply ****ing great, I loved it man!
It's nothing like having that shot down at somewhere you love
The feeling is just oh-so
good.

and I think I'll be stuck on this topic for awhile
and every little bird and bee that has been so kind as to read
probably,
see's it
so sorry
because now I've been thinking
Heh,
Well, It's been awhile

goodnight.
The last two lines were good, but I didn't really like the rest of the stanza, it didn't really lead up to the ending too greatly, nor did it add anything.


Overall, though, this is pretty damn good!

c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1080011