#1
c4c.


Pangs for my empty stomach
and flowers for grandma.
We hadn't talked in a while.

Picnic under the old beach tree.
Just sandwiches,
but she made them with broken eyes and
tremor hands.

Chit.
Chat.

Pace around the fence a bit,
and come up to the stone.
Elaine Miller
Devoted Wife, Loving Mother
1940-2008


Dig into my pocket and
slide two quarters into a slot in the stone.
The wind carries her voice to me and
for a few fleeting seconds;
I feel.
#2
I really don't know where to start.

I like this, I think it's wonderful. I love the last stanza the most though, and the last line is breath-taking.

The only problem I have with it is that it started a bit slowly. The end is a lot more powerful than the beginning, which is a good thing, but this is sort of lacking the grabber.

Overall, this is great. I hope too see more from you soon.

-Alex
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#4
this is a tight little piece, but personally i didnt like the second stanza.
im getting the nostalgia vibe from it, but it just doesnt do anything for me.
its like a werthers original/hallmark kind of nostalgia.
i think its the "made them with love" line that really does it. makes it seem hackneyed.
that said though, i thought the rest of it was great as a little micro poem. its concise and gets everything across quickly and feels complete. im always jealous of people who can write in a minimal way and make it work, so big up.
theres some lonely looking links in my sig if you fancy hitting me back on something.

cheers.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#5
I'm agreeing with Funkaspuck on the second stanza. "Just sandwiches, made with tremor hands?" I dunno. Tremor hands is great. I don't know that "made with love" is hackneyed, exactly, but I think we all know that. Made with bread and tremor hands? I dunno. Your poem.

Still, beautiful, affecting. Loved

Chit.
Chat.

And the bit about sliding quarters into the tombstone to hear her voice, and that notion of consumerism being the last resort of the jaded to get a little bit of feeling. Bleak, but nice.

peace
#9
"The wind carries her voice to me and
for a few fleeting seconds;
I feel."

Just wow.
#11
Quote by UVER
"The wind carries her voice to me and
for a few fleeting seconds;
I feel."

Just wow.


nah, not that, it was the

Dig into my pocket and
slide two quarters into a slot in the stone.

that really added another layer here.
#12
^

Duh, yea I mis-copy/pasted ><. I meant to put the whole last stanza.
#13
The pace/tone in the first half was somewhat uncomfortable, didn't sound like you. This had a good kick in the end like usual though. One thing to look out for is ending so many lines in 'and'. Two in the last stanza almost makes the whole part awkward. Doesn't quite go that far, still possibly worth a look at.

I'm gonna have to disagree with the general consensus and say it's not one of my favorites from you.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#14
^oh, definitely not one of my favorites of his on the whole. but it was a refreshing, unexpected, surreal, and relatable ending and I think that that is enough of an accomplishment to warrant some praise.

so, best piece ever? no. best piece of zacks? not even close. could I tear parts of this apart? sure. was the ending cool? yes.