#1
First lyricised song i've written. Strucure is:
verse/chorus/verse/chorus/(interlude)/extended chorus/ outro

Enjoy.


I'm oppressed but im not depressed
I've come to embrace this loneliness
I'm the jester in your court of life
And i still have to - fight to survive

Climb off your white horse
Dont be afraid
To go against the grain
And if i tell you
Its not too late
Don't let it go to waste
Don't let it go to waste

Starving in the shadows, history's light will pass you by
You may say it doesn't matter, that you shouldn't even try
But i think that your a liar and your whole premise is wrong
You better plant your best foot forward while i sing this ****in song

When i look into your eyes
I see the pain
Of a lifetimes work in vain
What if i tell you
Its not too late
Don't let it go to waste
Don't let it go to waste


And in your final hour
With no more power
I can tell it isn't fate
That brought me to you
Wont let me screw you
and leave you with all this weight
And when you make it
Don't you mistake it
You've got yourself a clean slate
But i'll still tell you
Its not too late
Don't let it go to waste

Well im not ready for my ending
My lifes only just begun
And i'm not sure im done with mending
All the times that i've been stung

I still wouldn't change my life
I still wouldn't change my name
Its got me through many more times
Then i have people left to blame

I know i've lied to you before
And i will lie to you again
I cannot promise you a war
on what keeps everybody sane

This songs for everybody
wanting to be heard
for anyone with the courage
courage to change the world
#2
Quote by romanqwerty
First lyricised song i've written. Strucure is:
verse/chorus/verse/chorus/(interlude)/extended chorus/ outro

Enjoy.


I'm oppressed but im not depressed
*I sort of think you can take the "but" out but I'm not too sure
I've come to embrace this loneliness
I'm the jester in your court of life
And i still have to fight to survive

Climb off your white horse
Dont be afraid
To go against the grain
And if i tell you
Its not too late
Don't let it go to waste
Don't let it go to waste

Starving in the shadows, history's light will pass you by
You (might if anything, not may) say it doesn't matter, that you shouldn't even try
But i think that your a liar and your premise is wrong
Plant your best foot forward while i sing this ****in song
*With "you better" it's starting to sound too long, or at least look too long

When i look into your eyes
I see the pain
Of a lifetimes work in vain
*this rhyme sounds like it was forced, and unnatural

What if i tell you
Its not too late
Don't let it go to waste
Don't let it go to waste


And in your final hour
With no more power
I can tell it isn't fate
That brought me to you
Wont let me screw you
and leave you with all this weight
And when you make it
Don't you mistake it
You've got yourself a clean slate
But i'll still tell you
Its not too late
Don't let it go to waste

Well im not ready for my end
*You don't really need it to rhyme right here, I think end would sound better

My lifes only just begun
And i'm not sure (that/if maybe?) im done with mending
All the times that i've been stung

I still wouldn't change my life
I still wouldn't change my name
Its got me through many more times
Then i have people left to blame
*solid

I know i've lied to you before
And i will lie to you again
I cannot promise you a war
on what keeps everybody sane

This songs for everybody
wanting to be heard
for anyone with the courage
courage to change the world



This song really starts off strong. The first chorus looks good, I don't see why you would change it so drastically. Starting with "your final hour, With no more power," your words start to sound very unnatural and forced into a certain rhyme. I wouldn't have a problem with it, except there is not a consistent rhyming scheme that I am aware of.
It is also quite lengthy for being a song. You might want to trim it up in some spots...
This is my first time critiquing a song so sorry if I'm being to critical or anything. Hope I helped.
Last edited by ev477 at Mar 5, 2009,
#3
Quote by ev477
This song really starts off strong. The first chorus looks good, I don't see why you would change it so drastically. Starting with "your final hour, With no more power," your words start to sound very unnatural and forced into a certain rhyme. I wouldn't have a problem with it, except there is not a consistent rhyming scheme that I am aware of.
It is also quite lengthy for being a song. You might want to trim it up in some spots...
This is my first time critiquing a song so sorry if I'm being to critical or anything. Hope I helped.


Alot of the little word choices i would agree with and i had like that initially but i had to add a few words in alot of places to make it fit with the music. Because of that sentence shortening isn't really possible. The rhyme structure for the chorus is AABAAB and fits with the music well enough.

It is long, 7mins infact. But it has alot of breaks in the vocals so im happy with that.

Thanks though. Alot of what you said helped.