#1
So I was up til about 4am this morning on the computer and the result was one of the most honest things I've ever written. I won't get into all the details but I will share it with U(G).

With.enduring.resolve

I'm thinking I may finally get this right. I'll measure up to someone's
footsteps, maybe even mine. And I'll step out of the shadow of this town.
I'll find a way to grow my own even with all this weight that holds me
down. I've still got my share of demons left to fight. But it helps me
just to know that you've obliged to stay the night. And cover my eyes.
When the screaming starts. To hold my life together when I would've torn it
all apart. And you know my name. Cause you're in my veins. A man is only
as genuine as the things that make him pray. And I'm thinking I may finally
get this right. This war's been waged for years, it was never mine to
fight. Alone. But I ignored the voices telling me to go back home. Where
my father sits. Upon his throne. I never asked my questions, I thought you
would never know. And even if you cared would you understand? If I climbed
the highest mountain could I ever reach your hand? Then you came to me.
And you set me free. Said 'Son, I heard your screaming, you were holding
all the keys." I crawled to the door. And I let you in. I learned
everyone's a sinner, heaven's for those that make amends. And home is not a
place but anywhere you're among friends. Your love is like a river, I know
it never ends. And I've never slept alone ever since that night. Yeah, I
think this time I'm finally getting it right.
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#2
I don't really have much to say about this, but I have to admit I really didn't like the rhyming at all. :/
#3
I can see how you would be turned off from the rhymes here. However the way it came out was just line after line so I didn't really force any of the rhymes at all and plus I think to really get a feel for it I think you would have to hear it sung. Anyways thanks and I think I already owe you, is there one in particular you want me to check out? Also what did you think of it content wise, aside from the rhymes?
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#4
Content wise, I thought this was really good, really strong and honest. I'll get back to you on the writing
#5
I might as well do a proper crit

Quote by ColdFrontAttack
So I was up til about 4am this morning on the computer and the result was one of the most honest things I've ever written. I won't get into all the details but I will share it with U(G).

With.enduring.resolve

I'm thinking I may finally get this right. I'll measure up to someone's
footsteps, maybe even mine. And I'll step out of the shadow of this town.
Okay start, but 'shadow of this town' was horribly cliche.
I'll find a way to grow my own even with all this weight that holds me
down.
This was okay, I'd try to reword it slightly, maybe add a metaphor in.
I've still got my share of demons left to fight. But it helps me
just to know that you've obliged to stay the night. And cover my eyes.
When the screaming starts. To hold my life together when I would've torn it
all apart.
I actually liked the rhyming here
And you know my name. Cause you're in my veins.
I hated this line.
A man is only
as genuine as the things that make him pray.
This was awesome!
And I'm thinking I may finally
get this right. This war's been waged for years, it was never mine to
fight. Alone. But I ignored the voices telling me to go back home. Where
my father sits. Upon his throne.
This was great also, wouldn't change a thing.
I never asked my questions, I thought you
would never know.
I didn't like this line, if I'm honest.
And even if you cared would you understand? If I climbed
the highest mountain could I ever reach your hand?
This line was particularly good.
Then you came to me.
And you set me free.
The rhyme here made me cringe xD
Said 'Son, I heard your screaming, you were holding
all the keys." I crawled to the door. And I let you in. I learned
everyone's a sinner, heaven's for those that make amends. And home is not a
place but anywhere you're among friends. Your love is like a river, I know
it never ends. And I've never slept alone ever since that night. Yeah, I
think this time I'm finally getting it right.
Ending was decent, not amazing, not awful, but decent.


It was decent, but there really isn't much that jumps out and lures me in, you know? Nothing really stands out; it's good, but it's just 'there'.

It was decent, but I think you should try to put in more metaphors, more amibiguity to make it more interesting.

Oh, and if you wouldn't mind critting mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1080011
#6
Ok thanks a lot for the full crit I will get to yours tomorrow most definitely... I understand your disliking of those particular lines but to fit the flow they have to be very simple, concise phrases so I don't really know how to change them. And like I said if you heard it sung it would be a lot less noticeable and probably not "make you cringe)... Anyway thanks a lot
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