#1
crit4crit

CLOUDS OF GUN SMOKE

I look up in the sky
To try and find God
But all I can see
Are these gun smoke clouds
Shaped like the faces
Of my childhood friends
Wishing to come down
And play with me again

Living check to check
Inside a bullethole
If we cannot save a dime
How can we save our souls

With hopscotch blueprints
We built ourselves an ark
To float above all this
Blood on the sidewalk
But the weight of the rain
Sank our hearts at bulletspeed
Drowning us in the cracks
Of this lead-paved street

Living check to check
Inside a bullethole
If we cannot save a dime
How can we save our souls

I've seen the cherubim
Falling down from Heaven
And I counted each one
Up to mac eleven
They sold their golden halos
For some quick cash
Enough to buy a name
And a fighting chance

Living check to check
Inside a bullethole
If we cannot save a dime
How can we save our souls

Tired of waiting for the Hand
Of God to pull the trigger
I go out to hunt the wolves
But end up with lamb for dinner

Now I've become the Devil's very own
And my holiness is nothing but a Ghost
Last edited by themarsvolta at Sep 3, 2009,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

CLOUDS OF GUN SMOKE

I look up in the sky
To try and find God
But all I can see
Are these gun smoke clouds
Shaped like the faces
Of my childhood friends
Wishing to come down
And play with me again

Good verse don't change it

Living check to check
Inside a bullethole
If we cannot save a dime
How can we save our souls

I think the third line could maybe be changed to fit the meaning of the other three but it may fit the way it is i don't know

With hopscotch blueprints (I don't really understand what hopscotch means in this line i think you could pick a stronger metaphor)
We built ourselves an ark
To float above all this
Blood on the sidewalk
But the weight of the rain
Sank our hearts at bulletspeed
Drowning us in the cracks
Of *these *blood stained* streets*

Living check to check
Inside a bullethole
If we cannot save a dime
How can we save our souls

I've seen the cherubim
Falling down from Heaven
And I counted each one
Up to mac eleven
They sold their golden halos
For some quick cash
Enough to buy a chamber (Possibly change this to "Just To avoid the gallows, And have..)
a fighting chance

Living check to check
Inside a bullethole
If we cannot save a dime
How can we save our souls

Tired of waiting for the Hand
Of God to pull the trigger
I go out to hunt the wolves
But end up with lamb for dinner

Now I've become the Devil's very own
And my holiness is nothing but a Ghost


Really good lyrics I wonder what it sounds like with music and everything. i hope you can get an mp3 on soon i want to hear this song. Good job
#3
"But the weight of the rain
Sank our hearts at bulletspeed"

Maybe burst, hit, or shot would fit pretty well here but I'm just throwing out ideas. Otherwise these are really good, I'd love to hear an mp3 of the finished version
#4
Damn, dude....

I REALLY love this one. I mean, one of my favorites on the S&L forums...

It's really good. I think it'd make an awesome kinda classic metal/arena rock kinda song. Up to you though. Either way the lyrics seem killer!
#5
The first verse - accompanied by a few other, insigificant moments - were a little overly simplified and didn't really suit the enormous, dramatic theme, but the tone was consistent and powerful enough to still carry me through till the end. I connected with a lot of your imagery and it connected together effectively, as well. It was a lovely balance between spacey and to-the-point.
That all said, this wasn't the most hard-hitting piece and failed to be particularly groundbreaking, but I enjoyed reading it - wow, something new.
I'd love to see you experimenting, but I understand how that could be quite insulting to read so don't take any heed of me.