#1
My first piece ever, be nice. Probably an acoustic piece, about loneliness.

Tranquil Thursday


I know the world would end,
If all that we sought
Was time not spent alone.

Tranquil Thursdays,
A silent knock on the door
Of what you once called your own mind.
Until you realise,
You've been here before, then you leave.

Disconnected, disconcerted,
You're frustrated, yet not concerned
with achieving motivation,
Or attaining a final result.

Pacing forwards, going slowly,
A head, beating on a wall you wish was there,
it can't keep up,
Somebody's blues and a somber heartache.
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Last edited by Aléx at Apr 11, 2009,
#2
I like the line "A silent knock on the door Of what you once called your own mind." It real puts an image there. The whole song is pretty good really...but the line "Somebodies blues and a somber heartache", sounds good but for some reason it does not seem to fit. The title "Tranquil Thursday" is unique and describes what the song is about.
Last edited by L6S at Mar 7, 2009,
#3
Quote by Aléx
My first piece ever, be nice. Probably an acoustic piece, about loneliness.

Tranquil Thursday


I know the world would end,
If all that we sought
Was time not spent alone.
It's a good start, content-wise, but I'd rephrase it. At the moment my response was like "k." You need to make it more interesting and eye-catching.

Tranquil Thursdays,
A silent knock on the door
Of what you once called your own mind.
This was good; though I'm not too fond of "Tranquil Thursdays"
Until you realise,
You've been here before, then you cease.
Good, except for "then you cease". Cease to what? Cease to eat? Cease to listen to music? Cease to swim with turtles?

Disconnected, disconcerted,
This line was good.
You're frustrated, yet not concerned
with achieving motivation,
Or attaining a final result.
I'd somehow change htis into a metaphor. At the moment you're telling me what to think, what's going on - instead, make it more open to interpretation with several possible meanings. Easier said than done, but I have confidence you'll be doing it in no time.

Pacing forwards, going slowly,
A head, beating on a wall you wish was there,
I really liked this line!
it can't keep up,
Somebodies blues and a somber heartache.
This should be "Somebody's". The ending was fantastic, I loved it! First piece? You have talent, man.


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1080011

I know it's long, but a brief look would be nice.
#4
Disconnected, disconcerted,
You're frustrated, yet not concerned
with achieving motivation,
Or attaining a final result
.

the lack of any rhyme is what made me put more attention to this and i find it really great

keep up the good work
Every form of control over another person is a crime

AEK Athens
Asteras Exarcheion
Prasini Thyella
Rayo Vallecano

RED MILITIA-Vamos a Vencer
#5
Thanks for all the help. I'll try edit it up a bit.

Quote by L6S
I like the line "A silent knock on the door Of what you once called your own mind." It real puts an image there.


What image does it give exactly?
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Last edited by Aléx at Mar 8, 2009,