#1
In sanity I lived inside
my mind, that was in pieces.
And in my mind I was the only
one who's sane enough to bind
myself to me again; insane
were all the others.

In sanity I lived inside
my mind, that was in pieces.
And in my hand I held a pen
to write it down;
I was the one that chose
the words; the world
was all the others.

In sanity I lived inside
my mind, that was in creases.
The gaps I fell between and
into which I stumbled
with
my knees –
I was the one
to rub the scrapes
and lick the blood.

In sanity I lived in silence
of a mind, that

hits and misses. It
fell

to

pieces.


In sanity
I lived

alone.


Gone,
were all the others.
This is not a pipe
#2
*hug*

<3.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
Quote by Carmel

Just point out technical things I didn't like.
In sanity I lived inside
my mind, that was in pieces.
And in my mind I was the only
one whose sane enough to bind
myself to me again; insane
were all the others.
The sentence structure, while striking, is annoying to read after a while. The flow here is off, especially in lines 3-4. Watch your tenses, as well. Content-wise, this is tight.
In sanity I lived inside
my mind, that was in pieces.
And in my hand I held a pen
to write it down;
I was the one that chose
the words; the world
was all the others.

In sanity I lived inside
my mind, that was in creases.
The gaps I fell between and
into which I stumbled
with
my knees –
I was the one
to rub the scrapes
and lick the blood.
I don't understand the significance of cutting off the line after "with"
In sanity I lived in silence
of a mind, that

hits and misses. It
fell

to

pieces.


In sanity
I lived

alone.


Gone,
were all the others.
Back to this yoda-like sentence. I guess if you are really stuck on keeping it like that, you can. It certainly makes this piece unique.


This was very lonely. Like being the last one awake in a house full of people.

I don't like it as much as the other two pieces I've read from you. Mostly because of the stylistic choices. That doesn't mean that it's not very good, of course .
#4
^ Her tenses were fine.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
Specifically, I was referring to "whose".
I learned a few things after looking the problem up. "Whose" is actually the possessive form of "who". So technically, the word should be changed to "who was". That fixes both the word use problem and the tense problem.
#6
^It's just a typo. I fixed it now. However, it still didn't change any tenses as "whose" does not mean "who was". It means "belongs to who".
This is not a pipe
#7
This is a mind implosion.

If the Big Band Theory actually made sense and had previously inhabited a mental institution for a period of time - probably between being a fish and an ape - this is what it would look like.
That said, it's utterly unique, and certainly not ridiculous or over-the-top - which would of ruined this.
And for that, I can confidently say what I feel (even though I'm sometimes fearful of saying that in front of you): you have got to be one of the most expressive writers on UG. The way you write seems so thoughtful and creative, like there's no painting that can't be imagined or no margin that can't be pushed. I don't know how to quite explain it, but your not stupidly cryptic or forcefully in-my-face, you have a perfect balance between insanity and sanity - which is, of course, absolutely, astonishingly well portrayed in this example of writing that is not writing, but the brush of a child possessed by a grown-up.
#8
The motif works really well and gives a real emotional hit at the end. It felt hopeful and sad.

Personally I really don't like the title pun and throughout, which is kind of a big thing.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish