#1
haven't written anything in ages, deciding to give this a go. ots. c4c. byob. luv ya.

jack.
cocky bastard.
he's the guns of the sky,
an ace pilot. in short,
he's aaaalllllright.
i saw him pull all kinds of
erratic maneuvers,
painting the clouds red.
he touched down
and the crowd cheers.

i was new
and not near as good,
but, like an ace,
i had some tricks up my sleeve.
i hopped in my jet,
climbed to altitude, and
painted the sky phosphorescent,
spelling "Jack likes the cock".

everyone laughed.

that night, jack waited outside
until a bird flew by
and shit on my jet.
he laughed his ass off,
and i smiled.
i was better than him.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Mar 8, 2009,
#2
"painting the clouds red."

- This is the only line that irked me. Ironic!!!

I'm trying to find fault with something here, but there's no point. I'm just going to say this was a crackin' read and had real, true voices inside it. It read like you - even though I saw hints of others - and I know you well enough to know that this was not false... I hope...
#3
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
haven't written anything in ages, deciding to give this a go. ots. c4c. byob. luv ya.

jack.
cocky bastard.
hes the guns of the sky,
an ace pilot. in short,
he's aaaalllllright. ha, colloquialisms. very nice.
i saw him pull all kinds of
erratic maneuvers,
painting the clouds red. awesome warp/hijack of a common phrase. i love that.
he touched down
and the crowd cheers.

i was new
and not near as good,
but, like an ace,
i had some tricks up my sleeve. i appreciate the "ace up sleeve" pun, but please, no cliches!
i hopped in my jet,
climbed to altitude, and
painted the sky phosphorescent,
spelling "Jack likes the cock". this made me laugh out loud.

everyone laughed.

that night, jack waited outside
until a bird flew by
and shit on my jet.
he laughed his ass off,
and i smiled.
i was better than him.


overall, this was very much my style of writing - the sort of crazy meandering that i happen to write like. the small trod-in moral was excellent, as was the humor injected in just the right amount at just the right times. the ending - "i was better than him" - was fantastic.

if you'd like to c4c, you can leave some thoughts on:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18930514
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#4
Thanks for your crit on my first attempt... very much appreciated! I'll have a go at critiquing yours, but keep in mind that I'm very new to this...

jack.
cocky bastard.
hes the guns of the sky,
an ace pilot. in short,
he's aaaalllllright.
I love how straightforward this part is - just a few words, no more than needs to be said, to the point and powerful.
i saw him pull all kinds of
erratic maneuvers,
painting the clouds red.
Apparently, this is some sort of pun? But as English isn't my first language, I'm missing it... sorry!
he touched down
and the crowd cheers.

i was new
and not near as good,
but, like an ace,
i had some tricks up my sleeve.
Like stated already, however the pun is very clever, the line "I had some tricks up my sleeve" alone makes it sound a bit cliche.
i hopped in my jet,
climbed to altitude, and
painted the sky phosphorescent,
spelling "Jack likes the cock".
I laughed! I appreciate the straightforward and down-to-earth character of this piece of writing...


everyone laughed.

that night, jack waited outside
until a bird flew by
and shit on my jet.
he laughed his ass off,
and i smiled.
i was better than him.
I'll just repeat how much I'm a fan of the simple and to-the-point style of this piece. Good job.

I can say again what I thought of it overall - but I think you get the picture

Cheers!
#5
This reminds me of Stephen King, in the best way possible.
If you haven't read him, you probably just think "horror, he must not be a serious writer", but he has a very realistic and human tone. just like this.


And I heart it. I wish you would write more.
#6
The "ace up my sleeve" thing was just a coincidence. I just meant that he had a trick, and I didn't mean to connect "ace" to it.

Heshmeister, i will return...
#7
This was an interesting little diddle. I enjoyed the images leading my down a road without knowing where it ended. the only helpful thing I can say is the third line, should the "hes" be "he's"? but I could be wrong im terrible with grammar.
Outside the side box that's outside your sky box.