#1
c4c. leave a link. somewhat OTS but i'm fairly happy with it. i don't like editing songs.


the draft of an empty shell, smiling
with lips cracked in the morning through a wind-swept Ferarri
without an engine, vapidity leaking noisily
as median points dissapate, theology of equality splattered
across the bulletproof glass.
commandments never seemed more vulnerable and conscience never more subjective
but it's not so bad as all that with the power in your lily-white hands.
now what's left of this world is yours.
money is power, power money; that is all
ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

star-bright winking flash eyes
shutter click curtains fall
pieces crunching, how the red stretches
and winds its weight to high doom or high knell.
the bell invites me. hear it not, merlin;
for 'tis a toll that summons thee to heaven or to hell.



cookies to those that recognize the second quote (the last two lines).
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Last edited by RPExecutor at Mar 7, 2009,
#2
Quote by RPExecutor
c4c. leave a link. somewhat OTS but i'm fairly happy with it. i don't like editing songs.


the draft of an empty shell, smiling
with lips cracked in the morning through a wind-swept Ferarri
without an engine, vapidity leaking noisily
i didn't like "vapidly leaking noisily". Vaipidity isn't the friendliest of words to my ears, and noisily doesn't bounce off of it very well.
as median points dissapate, theology of equality splattered
Damn, you've used alot of big words already! I think it hurts the flow of information, really. The diction is fighting me rather than helping. But hey, I'm just a simple guy from the south. Maybe its just me.
across the bulletproof glass.
commandments never seemed more vulnerable and will never subjective
"will never subjective"? Is that a typo? Grammatically, it doesn't make any sense.
but it's not so bad as all that with the power in your lily-white hands.
now what's left of this world is yours.
money is power, power money; that is all
ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
Overall, I like the ballsyness of some of these line breaks. I think this is the only one I'm certain doesn't work, though. "That is all" felt like it belonged to the previous line. If you're trying to connect it to both lines, well... you can't do that

star-bright winking flash eyes
shutter click curtains fall
Ugh, these don't make any sense to me.
pieces crunching, how the red stretches
and winds its weight to high doom or high knell.
the bell invites me. hear it not, merlin;
for 'tis a toll that summons thee to heaven or to hell.
Decent



cookies to those that recognize the second quote (the last two lines).
"For whom the bell tolls"?


Okay, I liked the experimentation. I think when it was successful, you scored some real strength. However, your diction wasn't real friendly, and sometimes the line breaks hurt. I stumbled alot of times when it came to reading this, and that left the scene and message in the back seat when it shouldn't have been.

Still though, some good things were done.
#3
^ thanks for returning; the final quote happens to be from The Once And Future King by T. H. White. i seriously doubted anyone would get it though.

i mean "will" as in "force of mind", but yes, the sentence is confusing. i have edited it post-haste.
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