#1
Start of a short story, just curious as to what people think.

Awake in January


Finding his body was as it should be, that is to say roughly analogous to the diagram on his wall, Samson slid out of bed onto the floor quite content. His sliding was soft and lazy like a snake, so used to the ground, might have slid. From his vantage point of the floor he could see under his bed: the clump of worn clothes, gathering flies, in the shape of a person ; the pile of sharp fragments of glasses of water he'd shunted out of bed in his sleep; the mouse traps placed half a foot apart around his bed and the little mouse bodies therein. One of them was still twitching limply but he didn't want to kill it, so he left it.

Next he was standing in front of the mirror shaving, cutting little bits of himself off and washing them down the sink. We do that everyday, he thought, it's not so unusual? That made him feel better. 'Tssssssst,' he exclaimed 'ah'. He'd cut himself quite badly, now he was bleeding. Now he was awake. That little smiling cut with the blood seeping out, at least it wasn't spraying on the mirror; He didn't have any windolene, he'd need to get some if he was going to start spraying. He wiped it with his hand, it smudged and turned into lipstick. He dipped his head to the water and came up clean. Now he was awake.

Dressed now and on the bus he was still looking at himself in the windows. It was January and still dark enough that the window was reflective: He could see everyone and no one was looking at him. In a way this surprised him, and in a way it didn't. He worked in a hospital so he was pretty okay around blood, that's probably why he didn't freak out when it suddenly started flowing from his cheek.

C4C
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#3
Finding his body was as it should be, that is to say roughly analogous to the diagram on his wall

Right out of the gate, this confused the hell out of me. What diagram? And then it's never referred to again, so it kind of came across pointless to me. Maybe I'm missing something, which happens a lot, but I just didn't get it.

the pile of sharp fragments of glasses of water he'd shunted out of bed in his sleep;

Didn't like the "of"-fest in this sentence. I think it can be reworded.

He worked in a hospital so he was pretty okay around blood, that's probably why he didn't freak out when it suddenly started flowing from his cheek.

This irked the hell out of me, and I couldn't figure out why. Then I realized, why the hell is this coming up on the bus? Why'd this not come up during the previous paragraph, and what in this scene warrants it being pursued now?

All and all, I don't think it really got momentum until the second paragraph. There were a lot of details that didn't seem all that important in the first paragraph, such as the mousetraps. It made me wonder where you were going, and what I should focus on.

I do like your style of prose, so I'd be interested in seeing what follows.

EDIT: If you return a crit, there's one in my sig.
#4
Quote by meh!
Start of a short story, just curious as to what people think.

Awake in January


Finding his body was as it should be, that is to say roughly analogous to the diagram on his wall, Samson slid out of bed onto the floor quite content. His sliding was soft and lazy like a snake, so used to the ground, might have slid. From his vantage point of the floor he could see under his bed: the clump of worn clothes, gathering flies, in the shape of a person ; the pile of sharp fragments of glasses of water he'd shunted out of bed in his sleep; the mouse traps placed half a foot apart around his bed and the little mouse bodies therein. One of them was still twitching limply but he didn't want to kill it, so he left it.

i enjoyed the overwashing stream-of-consciousness - hell, i always do - but it needs a bit of clean-up as far as connection goes. it jumped from soft and lazy to sharp and twitching and it shocked me. i suppose that's the idea, but it could use a little work.

Next he was standing in front of the mirror shaving, cutting little bits of himself off and washing them down the sink. We do that everyday, he thought, it's not so unusual? That made him feel better. 'Tssssssst,' he exclaimed 'ah'. He'd cut himself quite badly, now he was bleeding. Now he was awake. That little smiling cut with the blood seeping out, at least it wasn't spraying on the mirror; He didn't have any windolene, he'd need to get some if he was going to start spraying. He wiped it with his hand, it smudged and turned into lipstick. He dipped his head to the water and came up clean. Now he was awake.

this was much better; kept up the style without becoming monotonous. the epiphany-sort-of-thing in the first line was very cool and the "now he was awake" that was repeated was just the novel little thing it needed to tip it over. the whole "spraying" thing was too blunt and a bit obvious.

Dressed now and on the bus he was still looking at himself in the windows. It was January and still dark enough that the window was reflective: He could see everyone and no one was looking at him. In a way this surprised him, and in a way it didn't. He worked in a hospital so he was pretty okay around blood; that's probably why he didn't freak out when it suddenly started flowing from his cheek.

ok, that was good, cleaned up the whole thing nicely with a slight twist ending. you had a comma splice error in the last line which i have edited for your convenience.

C4C


here's mine if you want to leave some thoughts:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1083561

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