#1
I went to bed a vegan,
but had a craving so strange:
cannibal, carnivore.
You're still so innocent and cute
in your flannel pajamas,
not some kind of ***** who's asking for it.

I'll stop if you ask me to.
Our minds are as clean as our fresh white sheets.
I'll stop if you ask me to.
I want this and so do you.

I went to bed a virgin,
got kissed on the neck,
though I swear I got bitten.
Now I'm a monster,
though not zombie, vampire,
or lycanthrope.

I stopped because you told me to.
"It won't work, I only seek a friend in you."
"I don't understand, can you tell me why?"
"Just turn your back to me so we can get some sleep."

I woke up in bed
next to your half-eaten corpse.
My tongue had the taste
of your soft, fleshy bosom.
You broke my heart last night,
so I ripped yours out of your chest.

I won't stop until the mattress is soaked
and blood seeps through the floor boards.
Nobody will be able to tell
that this body once belonged to you.

You ruined my life,
so I ate you alive.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
Last edited by lordofthefood1 at Mar 8, 2009,
#5
I love how I get "lol" and "brutal"
To be honest, I was afraid I was going to get that sort of "emo" reaction

but that isn't the point

It is a true story kind of (semi-fiction?)
a friend of mine had a dream about sex.. she totally wants it
this sort of thing would happen if we decided to hook up
(again, not the whole asdf part, but everything else)


Is there any critique on the actual writing and mechanics though?
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#6
Not a big fan of the lack of rhyming...
and second stanza, I feel that the fact that you only had one long line, and then its corresponding line 2 lines down was short again was a bit flow-interrupting. If you do that, I think the listener needs to resettle into that pattern, so that would have to be repeated twice at least.
Pretty cool, a bit cliche, like Scream or A Little Piece of Heaven by Avenged Sevenfold combined with Some Kind of Monster by Metallica. Unless this is a poem, not a song...cant really tell.