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#1
The Difference Between Metal Sub-Genres


Heavy Metal
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and has sex with the princess.

Power Metal
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

Thrash Metal
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and ****s her.

Folk Metal
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments causing the dragon to fall asleep. The princess joins them and they dance their way out of the castle.

Viking Metal
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

Death Metal
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, ****s the princess and kills her, then leaves.

Black Metal
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

Goregrind
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, ****s the princess and kills her. Then he slashes her belly and ****s her guts before eating them.

Grindcore
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about two minutes and then leaves...

Doom Metal
The protagonist arrives, sees the immense size of the dragon and talks about how he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

Gothic Metal
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet when he shows up, they sing while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows up the pipe and accidentally scorches the princess and the protagonist, and then he suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell for eternity.

Progressive Metal
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a 26 minute solo. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess' bedroom, and plays another solo with all the techniques he learned from spending the last year in his conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.

Industrial Metal
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

Speed Metal
Suddenly there is a short solo, the dragon is confused; someone's screaming weird stuff; the princess realizes she's been deflowered; the dragon and the princess are still looking for the one who caused this.

Christian Metal
The protagonist rides in on his way home from Church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "Sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

Glam Metal
The protagonist arrives; the dragon laughs at the protagonist’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle pink.

Nu Metal
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon, but burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire
#3
Old.
Quote by the_white_bunny
your just a simpleton that cant understand strategy apparently.

Quote by the_white_bunny
all hail king of the penis sucking(i said balls. you said dick for some reason?) Isabiggles
#10
Meh.

Metal > TS
My Gear
Guitars
Cort VX-2V
Basses
Stagg BC300
Amps
Marshall JCM900 4100 DR
Marshall 1965A
Hartke HA3500 Combo
#12
Quote by silversoulcage
Metal: Lame

Nuff said.


Coming from the guy that says he listens to everything from Dylan to Slipknot.
May the Schwartz be with us! 2012



MAL


Q: OK, so do you care about the labels — nastiest, edgiest team in the NFL?

Jim Schwartz: It's better than the alternative — meekest, least aggressive, softest team in the NFL.


#13
Here is my take on it. A little harsher.


Heavy Metal
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and has sex with the princess.

Power Metal
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

Thrash Metal
The protagonist arrives, makes four good albums, and SELLS OUT

Folk Metal
The same as power metal but with traditional instruments

Viking Metal
The protagonist arrives in a ship and demonstrates his vast knowledge of norwegian mythology before Loki tricks him into running away.

Death Metal
The protagonist arrives and kills the dragon by smashing its face with a hammer and cumming blood on it.

Black Metal
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the GOAT, cuts it up, sacrifices it on an altar to an undefined diety, and waits for tons of twelve year olds to call it hardcurr.

Goregrind
The protagonist arrives, kills the princess, rips her lungs out, ingests them, f*cks her, waits until she is pregnant, than rips the fetus out and makes her eat it.

Grindcore
The protagonist arrives and confuses the dragon to death

Doom Metal
The protagonist arrives, sees the immense size of the dragon and thinks "That's F*cking awesome" Then he does an @ssload of weed and writes a super heavy guitar riff.

Gothic Metal
The prince arrives and kills the dragon by squirting his own blood on it. He then goes in the castle and sees that the princess has forgotten who he was. He drinks poison dies in the most depressing way possible. When the princess sees she instantly recognizes the protagonist and feels guilt. She remembers how much she loves him and takes a sip from his poison flask so they can be together in death. Her corpse lands on his to create a perfect cross shape as their black tears trickle down the stairs in the shape of a broken heart.

Progressive Metal
The protagonist arrives with a guitar plays music in a bizzare time signature. The dragon is so confuzzled that he instantly calls the music "pretentious" and "soulless" The protagonist is extremely offended and kills the dragon by hitting him with a Tool.

Industrial Metal
The protagonist arrives wearing a trench coat, military boots, and a gas mask. He gets into a giant steam-powered robot and kills the dragon with his awesome audiophile skills.


Speed Metal
The protagonist comes up to the castle and kills the dragon by rushing the upbeats on the snare drum.

Christian Metal
The protagonist kills the dragon by means of oxymoron.

Glam Metal
The protagonist arrives; he is cross-dressed and covered in makeup. the dragon mistakes him for the princess and captures him. The protagonist's power is all in his image and he has little real talent, so he can not escape.

Nu Metal
The protagonist arrives in a pimped out car and sells himself as edgy. The dragon, being used to good metal, is confused. However, tons of "rebellious" tweens flock to him saying he is "revolutioinary"
Quote by GuitarGod_92
I feel like I should pay you in sexual favors for that truly fapic story.


Quote by esther_mouse
Aww thank you sweetie Made my day a little bit brighter.


^that post and others like it made mine a Lot brighter.
#14
Quote by OP
Grindcore
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about two minutes and then leaves...

, it's funny because it's true!
#15
Quote by silversoulcage
Metal: Lame

Nuff said.

FAIL
Please excuse my godawful username. I was thirteen.
#17
I was stone-faced till the last line which made me laugh, so I got something for my money.
Quote by chrismetal86
Reporting threads is for lame-ass backseat modders
#19
thats pretty funny, but where is Melodeath?
Quote by Azgirio
Yeah, you definitely raped his churches and burned his women.

Quote by LordBishek
Forgive the bluntness, but what in the chucklefucking hell is this?
#20
Quote by bowdyyz69
*awesome pic*

its quiet simple actually all u have to remebr is

"h before v except after s"


Well ALL my favorites fall under Swedish Death Metal, which I would call melodeath
Quote by Azgirio
Yeah, you definitely raped his churches and burned his women.

Quote by LordBishek
Forgive the bluntness, but what in the chucklefucking hell is this?
#22
Quote by bowdyyz69
*Epic *****

its quiet simple actually all u have to remebr is

"h before v except after s"

It quite simple, all you have to remember is how to spell.

Cool picture, though.
#23
Quote by crazy8rgood
It quite simple, all you have to remember is how to spell.

Cool picture, though.



leave me alone 'Gammer, Nasi"
#24
lmao, i've never seen it before. especially the grindcore guy
Bluegrass Rocks

CYNONYTE!

Quote by Basti95
People only come here to get sigged anyway


Quote by Basti95
Rats, I thought someone would sig it and make me famous...

it was going to be my big break

#25
Heavy Metal
gay

Power Metal
flamboyantly gay

Thrash Metal
gay on crack

Folk Metal
in the closet but it's so obvious

Viking Metal
gay with a cherry on top

Death Metal
the kind of gay that works out and wears really tight muscle shirts.

Black Metal
gay black guy

Goregrind
mentally unstable gay

Grindcore
gay loser that no one likes

Doom Metal
gay who advocates with GLAAD, but no one cares

Gothic Metal
crossdressing gay

Progressive Metal
scholarly but gay

Industrial Metal
gay that works in construction

Speed Metal
gay on heroin

Christian Metal
gay whose parents do not approve

Glam Metal
straight

Nu Metal
90's gay

...modes and scales are still useless.


Quote by PhoenixGRM
Hey guys could you spare a minute to Vote for my band. Go to the site Search our band Listana with CTRL+F for quick and vote Thank you .
Quote by sam b
Voted for Patron Çıldırdı.

Thanks
Quote by PhoenixGRM
But our Band is Listana
#26
Xiaoxi is awesome!!!
Bluegrass Rocks

CYNONYTE!

Quote by Basti95
People only come here to get sigged anyway


Quote by Basti95
Rats, I thought someone would sig it and make me famous...

it was going to be my big break

#29
Quote by bowdyyz69
don't be hatin' Xiaoxi, jst because mozart is gay don't try and cover it up

Mozart was banging Constanza. What the HELL are you talking about...

...modes and scales are still useless.


Quote by PhoenixGRM
Hey guys could you spare a minute to Vote for my band. Go to the site Search our band Listana with CTRL+F for quick and vote Thank you .
Quote by sam b
Voted for Patron Çıldırdı.

Thanks
Quote by PhoenixGRM
But our Band is Listana
#30
Quote by Xiaoxi
Glam Metal
straight


My guitar modification blog.
Quote by MuffinMan
Jesus was all like "To those about to rock, I salute you." then he grabbed his mighty axe and rocked the Romans out really hard. Of course they were strict classical music so....
#32
Quote by heaven's gate
No drone metal: fail.


That's because Drone Metal is fail.
My guitar modification blog.
Quote by MuffinMan
Jesus was all like "To those about to rock, I salute you." then he grabbed his mighty axe and rocked the Romans out really hard. Of course they were strict classical music so....
#33
Quote by Black Star


Glam is the best on the list


*starts feeling old


Bluegrass Rocks

CYNONYTE!

Quote by Basti95
People only come here to get sigged anyway


Quote by Basti95
Rats, I thought someone would sig it and make me famous...

it was going to be my big break

#36
Drone metal: Leads the dragon to a desert where the protagonist has set up an enormous wall of Sunn cabinets. Plays a 40 minute piece with three chord changes, at 140dB. Everyone dies from awesome.
#37
Quote by Spartan101400
Xiaoxi = Comedy gold


Fixed.
Voted 3rd Friendliest User of UG 2010

BUILD A TIME MACHINE, AND JERK OFF IN IT, AND SEND IT TO HITLER!


Saxo-Walrus

Steam & PSN ID: Panopticon20
#38
Quote by Spartan101400
Xiaosi=Arrogance and Ignorance=Fail

Spartan101400:


...modes and scales are still useless.


Quote by PhoenixGRM
Hey guys could you spare a minute to Vote for my band. Go to the site Search our band Listana with CTRL+F for quick and vote Thank you .
Quote by sam b
Voted for Patron Çıldırdı.

Thanks
Quote by PhoenixGRM
But our Band is Listana
#39
Quote by Spartan101400
Xiaosi=Arrogance and Ignorance=Fail


Someone makes a joke about Metal and we have to order in the troops. Grow up.
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