#1
Lately I'm 'battling' with my new English teacher, nevermind why. Since she read my first writing task, she tries to prove me that they are bad. By bad she meant: 'too general in content' and slightly incomprehensible. Well, their certainly not perfect, but still I thought that her opinion was to harsh(considering that two other teachers said that everything is quite fine). Consequently, I decided to get some critic from native english speakers(you guys). Please, could you read it and tell me what do you think?


Subject: The development of our civilisation is inevitable, and on every of its step it gives advantages and threats. Write about various aspects of it.


	The development of our civilisation is an unavoidable process that started when our ansestors came of the trees. Since then, it enourmously influenced the life of a run-of-the-mill human by providing many advanteges and also threats. Let’s take a look at them.
 	In my opinion the greatest thing that the mankind achieved is the development of medicine. Thanks to it, our lifes became longer, for instance in the medival times life expectancy was about fifty years. Today, in the western world, it’s often more then eighty. It’s incredible that thanks to his own mind and creativity man can fight even with death almost on equal terms.
 	Second big advantege provided by our civilisation is the development of the technology. All sorts of invention made our existance much easier and gave us opportunities that we never had before. They had  an inpact on daily aspects of human life, like the wheel. Thanks to it  man could travel further and faster. But also enabled us to cross the boundries given us by the nature. A good example of such invention is the plane.
 	The development of our civilisation also enhanced our culture. Human race developed numerous ways of expressing its thoughts. Two thousand years ago one could do in only by writing books or poetry. Today we have also TV, radio broadcasts, movies and music recordings. Moreover, our modern culture is much richer and deeper in its matter. It’s easy to understand after reading medival and modern philosophical works, or XVII c. novels  and those written after Second World War.
  	On the other hand our development was also a source of horrific mistakes. Some of them were the inventions that became weapons. Surely dynamite had that kind of history. Alfred Nobel created it to help miners in their work, years later it was massively used in First World War.
 	Other things that certainly were threats created by the development of our civilisation are some idealogies that were destructive, especially nazism and communism. Despite the fact that both of them were inhuman in their senses, they were undubtfuly created by man. Furthermore, those ideas were concerned by their fallowers as the greatest systems created by mankind. It’s scary that people can explain killing others with ‘higher ideas’.
 	As we can see our development was fallowed by numerous and various consequences. In my opinion the whole process can be easily thought as blessing, despite the fact that it led to some horrific event. Our modern society, that considers its self as mature, has to know how to take only the advantages from the development of the humankind.



Subject: Computers are becoming more and more popular. Experts say that they're harming normal human relations. Provide argument for and against this statement and give your own opinion.

  	Since the early nineties, the popularity of computers has been increasing rapidly. Psychologist are indeed alarming that PC’s, together with the internet, are harming our social skills. But is it such a serious problem as they are convincing us?
 	Let’s take a look at the main arguments supporting that statement. First of all, when computer becomes the main hobby, one reduces the amount of time spent outside. It has a significant impact on our contact with other people, and may be even fatal. A fine example is the history of a young boy from Japan. While beeing obsessed with a PC game, he resigned from contact with the ‘outside world’. After a week he died from dehydration. 
	The second oftenly stated argument is the fact, that PC’s make us substitute real life for artificial. Socialising via internet has its pluses, but it can’t replace ‘face-to-face’ contacts. Obviously, without them noone will ever create a happy family or make a career.
 	On the other hand, there are also arguments suggesting, that anxious scientists are wrong. The ‘artificial internet-life’ is also focused on building societies, but on a different level.  People at forums or chats are also seeking somebody to talk about common interests or topics, as in bars or hobby clubs.
 	We also tend to forget about the fact, that a significant group of internet societies are gathering in real-life. There are lots of PC themed festivals or convents organised all of the world, and they are hightly attended ones.
 	In my opinion, there is no need to be worry about our interpersonal bonds. As I mentioned before, PC’s are only creating a different branch of social contacts that can be profitable. 


Thank you for reading this whole wall of text.
#2
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#3
All I read was "Thank you for reading this whole wall of text"


Edit: There are quite a few mistakes in both of those, and they are a little too general. There's just something anti-climatic about writing, "A week later, he died of dehydration."

Meh.
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Last edited by Karvid at Mar 8, 2009,
#4
I only read "The development of our civilisation is an unavoidable process that started when our ansestors came of the trees."

mate, that's not correct english. Sorry.
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#5
I only read the first one. Was it supposed to be longer than that? If not, I think the only complaint she could make is that some of your grammar is off, as well as spelling.
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#8
It looks fine to me.
I think your teacher's maybe just being a bitch.
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#9
You see that button that says "Enter" on it? Well despite what you may think that doesn't open a magic portal, it actually means I don't have to scroll accross a massive page to read a wall of text, try it sometime.
#12
Quote by Gh.
Lately I'm 'battling' with my new English teacher, nevermind why. Since she read my first writing task, she tries to prove me that they are bad. By bad she meant: 'too general in content' and slightly incomprehensible. Well, their certainly not perfect, but still I thought that her opinion was to harsh(considering that two other teachers said that everything is quite fine). Consequently, I decided to get some critic from native english speakers(you guys). Please, could you read it and tell me what do you think?

[font="Arial"]
Subject: The development of our civilisation is inevitable, and on every [color="Red"]one[/COLOR] of its step[color="Red"]s[/COLOR] it gives advantages and threats. Write about various aspects of it.


The development of our civilisation is an unavoidable process that started when our ansestors came [color="Red"]out from behind[/COLOR] of the trees. Since then, it enourmously influenced the life of a run-of-the-mill human by providing many advant[color="Red"]a[/COLOR]ges [color="Red"]but[/COLOR] [s]also threats[/s] [color="Red"]threats aswell[/COLOR]. Let’s take a look at them.
In my opinion the greatest thing that the mankind achieved is the development of medicine. Thanks to it, [s]our lifes became longer[/s] [color="Red"]our lives have become longer[/COLOR], for instance[color="Red"]:[/COLOR] in the medival times[color="Red"],[/COLOR] life expectancy was about fifty years. Today, in the western world, it’s often more then eighty. It’s incredible that thanks to his own mind and creativity man can fight even with death almost on equal terms.
[color="Red"]The[/COLOR] [color="Red"]s[/COLOR]econd big advant[s]e[/s][color="Red"]a[/COLOR]ge provided by our civilisation is the development of the technology. All sorts of invention [color="Red"]have[/COLOR] made our existance much easier and [color="Red"]has given[/COLOR] us opportunities that we [color="Red"]have[/COLOR] never had before. They [color="Red"]have[/COLOR] had an inpact on daily aspects of human life, like the wheel. Thanks to it man could travel further and faster. But [color="Red"]technology has[/COLOR] also enabled us to cross the boundries given us by the nature. A good example of such invention is the plane.
The development of our civilisation also enhanced our culture. Human race developed numerous ways of expressing its thoughts. Two thousand years ago one could do in only by writing books or poetry. Today we have also TV, radio broadcasts, movies and music recordings. Moreover, our modern culture is much richer and deeper in its matter. It’s easy to understand after reading medival and modern philosophical works, or XVII c. novels and those written after Second World War.
On the other hand our development was also a source of horrific mistakes. Some of them were the inventions that became weapons. Surely dynamite had that kind of history. Alfred Nobel created it to help miners in their work, years later it was massively used in First World War.
Other things that certainly were threats created by the development of our civilisation are some idealogies that were destructive, especially nazism and communism. Despite the fact that both of them were inhuman in their senses, they were undubtfuly created by man. Furthermore, those ideas were concerned by their fallowers as the greatest systems created by mankind. It’s scary that people can explain killing others with ‘higher ideas’.
As we can see our development was fallowed by numerous and various consequences. In my opinion the whole process can be easily thought as [color="Red"]a[/COLOR] blessing, despite the fact that it led to some horrific event. Our modern society, that considers its self as mature, has to know how to take only the advantages from the development of [s]the[/s] humankind.[/FONT]



Thank you for reading this whole wall of text.


I only did the first one
Last edited by CrimsonBizzare at Mar 8, 2009,
#13
Lately I'm 'battling' with my new English teacher, nevermind why. Since she read my first writing task, she tries to prove me that they are bad. By bad she meant: 'too general in content' and slightly incomprehensible. Well, their certainly not perfect, but still I thought that her opinion was to harsh(considering that two other teachers said that everything is quite fine). Consequently, I decided to get some critic from native english speakers(you guys). Please, could you read it and tell me what do you think?


#14
Both very good I'd say, anyone who can advance further on my corrections?


Sorry for triple post.
#16
Quote by Johnljones7443
tw;dr

I see what you did there.
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Quote by JacobTheMe

Karvid is sexy

Quote by KAS1981
Why is it that some folks quote praise from other members in their sig lines?
Its lame.
#17
There are a few spelling mistakes, and some grammar too.
Never use "In my opinion": always give the impression that your point is the right one and nothing else is valid.
Good work on the paragraphs though
Your choices of words are very good as well, and this enhances the points you've made about civilisation.

That's only the first piece though since it's all I've read so far.
To say English isn't your first language, that is a very good piece of work.
Touch up a few mistakes and it'll be excellent
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Y siempre
Y para siempre
#18
Thanks for the opinions.

I only read "The development of our civilisation is an unavoidable process that started when our ansestors came of the trees." mate, that's not correct english. Sorry.


True, I lol'ed at that one after some checking.


"That's one nice rectangular wall you got there."


"Good work on the paragraphs though "


Sorry, I had no idea how to correct it. Maybe some 'Word-browser conflict'? Dunno.


Done, I think I'm correct (I may not be). Is the boy who died via dehydration thing true?


Thanks for your work.
About that guy I've read in some newspaper.
#21
Me fail english? That's unpossible.

How old are you? It will make a big difference as in how we are supposed judge it and criticize it.
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#22
Subject: Computers are becoming increasingly/more and more popular. Experts say that they're harming normal human relations. Provide arguments for and against this statement and give your own opinion.

Since the early nineties, the popularity of computers has been increasing rapidly. Psychologist are indeed alarmingalarmed that PC’sPCs, together with the internet, are harming our social skills. But is it such a serious problem as they are convincing us? But is the problem as serious as they are making it out to be?
Let’s take a look at the main arguments supporting that statement. First of all, when gaming or surfing the net becomes one's [as you later use "one reduces..." you'll have to use one's to agree] main hobby, one reduces the amount of time spent outside. It has a significant impact on our contact with other people, and may be even fatal. A fine example is the hi [just story]story of a young boy from Japan , who was so obsessed with a PC game tthat he resigned from contact with the ‘outside world’ and after a week died from dehydration.
The second common [stated] argument is the fact, that PCs [make us] substitute real life for an artificial one. Socialising via internet has its pros/advantages, but it can’t replace ‘face-to-face’ contact. Obviously, without them noone will ever create a happy family or make a career. You should probably back this up....somehow...
On the other hand, there are also arguments suggesting[,] that anxious scientists are wrong. The ‘artificial internet-life’ is also focused on building societies, but on a different level. People on forums or in chats are also seeking somebody to talk about common interests or topics with, as in bars or hobby clubs. What is a hobby club?
We also tend to forget about the fact, that a significant group of internet societies are gathering in real-life. There are lots of PC themed festivals or conventions organised all of the world, and attendance at these is always high
In my opinion, there is no need to [be] worry about our younger generation's social skills. As I mentioned before, PC’s are only creating a different branch of social contacts that can be advantageous/healthy.


Anything like [this] means it's not needed.
Friends, applaud the comedy is over.


I'd dance with you but...


Last edited by Child In Time at Mar 9, 2009,
#24
What is your first language if you don't mind me asking?


It's polish. Just wonder: why you're asking?
#25
That's very good for a foreign language.

Sure, there are a few spelling mistakes and other grammatical errors but it's easily comprehensible.
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