#1
Words fly back and forth
through my empty head,
and from the tip of my pen
they fill this page with
black and white blankness.

I walk away from
things I can't write down,
only to find them in dreams
and mirrors whispering to me
with the voice of gold and blue
that fills my heart.


This is my very first attempt at poetry, in my entire life. I've done a lot of writing, but never poetry... so any critique that will help me improve is welcome!

This is dedicated to a very special person, who not only inspired me to attempt poetry, but inspires me every day to be the best I can...
#3
First off, this is a good first attempt at poetry. Most people stick to a rigid rhyme and meter, and you didn't do that. It's loose with its line breaks, and not over restrictive.

However, the issues are mainly with word choice.

Quote by ZeGuitarist
Words fly back and forth
through my empty head,
Meh, these two lines are cliche.
and from the tip of my pen
This line isn't quite connected very well. I can't tell if it's connected to the previous line, or the next. Either end this line with a period, or change the previous line to end with a period.
they fill this page with
black and white blankness.
"Blankness"? Bleh.

I walk away from
things I can't write down,
only to find them in dreams
and mirrors whispering to me
with the voice of gold and blue
that fills my heart.
The wording in this stanza is aiight. It borderlines cliche, but nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't like the mirrors line, and the "gold and blue" didn't make sense to me, but I'm sure you have personal reasons for that.


The second stanza was more solid than the first. I'd really go through the first and change some wordings around, even if it requires a new ebb and flow.

If you could return a crit on the one in my signature, that be fantasmic
#4
Thanks for the crit!

Quote by Ninjamonkey767
This line isn't quite connected very well. I can't tell if it's connected to the previous line, or the next. Either end this line with a period, or change the previous line to end with a period.

Placing this line there was intentional, and so was the fact that it isn't clearly connected to either the line before or after it. A more experienced poet than me who reviewed my work came up with this idea, in fact - it reflects the general idea of confusion that the first stanza is about. I can see your point, though...
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
"Blankness"? Bleh.

"Emptiness" again wasn't an option...
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I didn't like the mirrors line, and the "gold and blue" didn't make sense to me, but I'm sure you have personal reasons for that.

Both the mirrors line and the "gold and blue" are indeed there for personal reasons... this is a pretty personal poem, indeed, but as it's my first attempt and I'm not itching to try more, I thought feedback would be helpful!

So thanks a lot and I'll be sure to check out your work...

Cheers!
#5
Placing this line there was intentional, and so was the fact that it isn't clearly connected to either the line before or after it. A more experienced poet than me who reviewed my work came up with this idea, in fact - it reflects the general idea of confusion that the first stanza is about. I can see your point, though...


It's not bad, really. I just didn't think that you'd do that on purpose. Whatever suits you is fine.