#1
My first song, can you please comment it, thanks, bad and good critics are welcome

Walking on this filthy road
I`m trying to get my soul sold

So I dance on someone else`s music
to get my money and - taste it

To waste it on some boobs, booze
and drug abuse

So I dance..

And I wonder, if I change one note
will they pay me off?

So I dance..

Today I play in front of thousands
But tomorrow I`m nothing, I`m unknown.
Without future, without hope, I`m gone
So **** I gonna make my own song.
#2
the rhyming feels pretty forced here, like that was all you were trying to accomplish here

There's no imagery, no real emotion, and not a whole lotta imagery here
Also, short can be good, but only if every word is carefully chosen, which doesn't seem to be the case here....

Try making it longer and adding a bit more feeling to it,
Or just scrap it n start over (No shame in that, I do it for about 98.234235234% of the stuff I write)
#3
Quote by greyeyedfire
the rhyming feels pretty forced here, like that was all you were trying to accomplish here

There's no imagery, no real emotion, and not a whole lotta imagery here
Also, short can be good, but only if every word is carefully chosen, which doesn't seem to be the case here....

Try making it longer and adding a bit more feeling to it,
Or just scrap it n start over (No shame in that, I do it for about 98.234235234% of the stuff I write)


nice, thank you very much! It is made for the song, with little bit changed batman melody, so it is true that I was just trying to get some rhythm. But I also wanted to see what would people say if they read this words like a poem and now I realized that it is just a crap I hope that my songwriting will evolve if I continue to write more songs. Thank you again.