#1
Take it easy on me now. I'm new to this. Looking for some constructive criticisms. C4C


I still remember the days
when the sun would set our skins ablaze
Even then we'd still find a way to
get away from everything we never wanted
Sitting on a park bench staring into
something that only you and I could see
A future that we thought could exist
was definitely something we couldn't resist

Fast forward a year later.

Everyday is a constant struggle
To forget you and what we had going
All you seem to be doing nowadays
is smoking your brains out till you're blazed
While im still sittin on the park bench
Staring into the dreams that we failed to realize
And the future that I used to see in your eyes.



Any thoughts?
Last edited by Yourdannno at Mar 9, 2009,
#2
wow i actually like this a lot
Its emotional in a good way, its subtle
The "fast forward a year later" part is kind of weird though, maybe you could change that somehow?
good work overall though
#3
liked it allot, good work. only thing that kinda sucked was the "fast forward a year later" part.... easy way to solve the problem tho: instead of the fast forward thing, just put a "NOW" like "Now everyday is a constant struggle" would make the whole thing smoother.
C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1079716&highlight=liquid+killer
#4
Quote by Yourdannno
I still remember the days
when the sun would set our skins ablaze
Even then we'd still find a way to
get away from everything we never wanted
Sitting on a park bench staring into
something that only you and I could see
A future that we thought could exist
was definitely something we couldn't resist

Fast forward a year later.

Everyday is a constant struggle
To forget you and what we had going
All you seem to be doing nowadays
is smoking your brains out till you're blazed
While im still sittin on the park bench
Staring into the dreams that we failed to realize
And the future that I used to see in your eyes.


It's nice. It reminds me a bit of that one Waterboys song... um. "The Whole of the Moon," that's the one. I couldn't quite articulate why. Possibly this seems like a song of mourning for someone that "The Whole of the Moon" could have been about, after she sat on a park bench blazing her brains and wasting her talents for far too long...

I would suggest that you might reconsider some of the line breaks. One thing that I find helps is reading something aloud after you've written it down. This bit, for instance:

Even then we'd still find a way to
get away from everything we never wanted
Sitting on a park bench staring into
something that only you and I could see


Might be better like so:

Even then we'd still find a way
To get away from everything we never wanted
Sitting on a park bench staring
Into something that only you and I could see


Even if your piece were highly rhythmic (which I didn't feel like it was), you can get away with wrapping what I think of as "pick-up syllables" onto the next line for readability's sake.

Random stylistic notes:

I'd drop the word "still" from the "Even then we'd still find a way," since that's basically what you mean by "even then." Again, the poem isn't overly rhythmic, so dropping a syllable here and there for clarity and tightness is probably a good thing.

While it may matter deeply to you right now that the transition in question took place over the period of a year, it probably isn't important to the mood of the piece, and it almost certainly won't be important, say, ten years from now. I'd drop the "Fast forward a year later." line and simply start the second stanza with the word "Now."

A couple of places, your word choice seemed to be dictated by the rhyme, rather than for any purpose in the poem. Here:

A future that we thought could exist
was definitely something we couldn't resist


And at the beginning of the first stanza: "days/ablaze." Those two bits seemed especially forced. While I like the "skin ablaze" bit, and the word choice resonates with the blazing referred to in the second stanza, it's still a forced rhyme - particularly since you don't talk about skin in any other context. The notion of setting our skin ablaze is very evocative of youth. You might focus on the physicality of youth in the first section of a piece like this, while focusing on the artificial age brought on by drug use in the second stanza.

You might not, of course. You might very well ignore anything I have to say, and more power to you

peace
#5
I appreciate the help guys. I've been looking for a smoother transition after the first stanza right after I wrote this and adding "now" to the beginning of the second stanza fits very well. Why couldn't I have thought of that! All I remember was jotting everything down before it leaves my head so I can have something to work with later and that's what im doing right now. As for the beginning days/ablaze rhyme, that's what got the ball rolling but i'll definitely work on it to make it sound unforced. Thanks for the feedback especially from you Nilchii. I'll take everything you said in consideration.

Thanks again guys.
Now back to the drawing board.