#1
This is just a place where I will write songs. All these songs belong to me. But with permission I may let you use them.

Key: ALL CAPITALS is screaming unless it is the beginning of a sentence. If it is a word like 'I' I will put an astrid (*) by it.

Demon of the Night

Wanderer...
What do you see?
How can you be?
Living WITHOUT ME!

Chorus

YOUR THE
demon of night
KILLING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT
no one....
CAN MATCH YOUR MIGHT!

Wanderer...
Where do you go?
Can this be so?
How can I live WITHOUT YOU!

Chorus

Solo

Reframe:

Wanderer...
Your were close to me.
Now I hope you...
ROT IN HELL!

Chorus

~finish~


this song is about my best friend that moved. He left at night (hence the name) at first I missed him then I herd all the **** he said about me. so ya

Not perfect still working on it lemme know what you think. I'll post more as time goes on.
#4
You guys liked it. Wow I am so very thankful.
Last edited by JimmyJuinor at Mar 9, 2009,
#5
Ehh found a journal had mainly science notes but there was a song written in the back I don't remember this one but I think it is like a country tune (I grew up with many different styles of music)


Low Life


Got my life
In a paper sack
I left home I ain't never looking back.
This fear that I have will fade
I might take my life by blade.


Chorus

Livin' a low life
isn't easy to live with kids and wife
I might just have to go
To the place the Bible told me so


Is it now
Is it fair
What will I do when I get there.
If I get there I hope to see
All those ones who had left me.

Chorus

Family died today
I am left with only dismay
I will join them
I will see them
I will die...


And that was from like 7th grade according to the dates. I honestly don't feel like this. I don't know what I was feeling that day. Pretty decent song tho I would think. But I live a perfectly fine life
#6
Your songs are awful and you haven't read the rules.

EDIT: More specifically,
  • The rhymes are boring and cliched;
  • There are some lines (This fear that I have will fade/I might take my life by blade, or I might just have to go/To the place the Bible told me so) where you obviously wrote one line, knew what you wanted to say for the next, but couldn't think of a rhyme, so you ended up using something stupid-sounding that you would never use otherwise just to get a rhyme.
  • "Living WITHOUT ME" just sounds whiny and immature, if you want part of a line to be screamed you'd want something more dramatic and passionate, that just sounds like early teen angst.
  • Lots of incredibly cliched lines that just sound like you're trying to be metal or country without thinking of anything with enough originality or interest to justify its own existence - the chorus of the screaming song is using ridiculously generic lines like "killing everything in sight" and "nothing can match your might" that are just overused, boring, unintelligent ways to sound "metal" and describe things that are unspecifically powerful.
  • No metaphors, similes, visual imagery or interesting language on any kind; the songs are way too literal, which combines with the huge amount of cliches to create boredom.
  • Lines that don't say anything and seem to just be there to pad out the verses, like "What do you see? How can you be?"
  • "Family died today/I am left with only dismay"? His family died, and he's been left with a loss of courage? You're not using the word "dismay" because of its actual meaning, you're using it because it's negative in some way and rhymes with "today". Honestly, if you can't think of any good rhymes for "today", put a different word at the end of the sentence. Or don't rhyme at all.
  • Only one song per thread; only the name of the song, the genre, and when appropriate WIP (work in progress) as thread title; you sound arrogant saying you "might let people use your songs"; and it's "refrain" not "reframe".
  • First he's whining because it's "not easy to live with kids and a wife", then his family have died earlier in the day? You're not telling a story, you're just coming up with things that might make him sad and using them.
  • And finally the stanzas all have uneven numbers of syllables and don't flow very well - usually you've obviously used a few more syllables to accommodate a word you've come up with to rhyme that wouldn't make sense otherwise.
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
Last edited by whalepudding at Mar 9, 2009,