#1
here I am and there I go. actually an incredibly personal piece.


Going to San José

going to San José
with my whiteywhite smile in my mouth and nightynight liar
my tounge waggywag wagging clankitty clank clank clank
the chains on the sand the scalpel in my hand-

house behind me all burned down now every bit
even the bricks, the dead dog hair still smoldering
in the air somewhere, it makes my nostrils sting-

I’ve mapped my journey with crayon
on a Briggams napkin
Amherst NH to Portland OR to Bronxville NY- striking

the bouncing eye suddenly
(I need the lens of truth to talk to it proper)
it tells me Bong!
6866, that’s how many days I’ve been
whatever you want to call it Bong-
all that defines a grave is dirt and stone then
I look to my left, run into the temple
where I plunge in the sword
takes me back sweet dreams sleep walker you-

feet chattering noise
birds scatter,
there is no shadow here
not nowhere no more
fatherdarkfigure took it with him, maybe
mother hid the secret in Ma’s mahogany jewely box
then locked it with the traffic
whirrwhirr whirring under the Vista Bridge
while I sleep
the clouds gather on Death Mountain
in a ring and Lake Hylia floods
I pull the sword again-
19 years later
in a field.

then suddenly the sky opens
a greathorned owl flies in
tells me my princess is dying
I need to save her right fast
but first find the power of my ancestors
it’ll show on my right hand. to the desert!
to the desert! to the place I was born!

get a horse awake the windfish,
I change the seasons and learn to sing
beautiful soothing ballads that sooth the wolf inside briefly
the boat I ride’s a king! Who knew?
fight pirates and shoot the sun for fire arrows
burn the blue ice, plant seeds, collect keys to doors
that I couldn’t reach without bombing a hollow wall first,
watch the muscles grow, and the women scream
when they wake up next to a monster,
drink wine sit myself at a piano singing
wing to the sky collect seven coins
fall through the walls and wake again
listen scream frozen on Cool, Cool Mountain
look up at the snowman blowing at a penguin
turn up the heat and cry in Wigglers cavern
all night in star haven lighting up with Kaya and Mark
and Geno and Mallow, kill Booster kill Smithy
know your role and shut your mouth
I look back quickly

desert
dark dunes, snakes and eagles,
the wind moves them
blows them far off course
blows them to the ocean- funny
that there use to be a house here,
I can’t remember what color the front door was- funny
I’ve loved about 12 people in my life
but their faces are all una mezcla
of mud, prayer, and poetry, shame too
they were all so beautiful, it seems that

when I was asleep 19 years crept through me
and now an owl has given me a prophecy I will save my princess
when I was asleep I am sure they attached these chain links to my ankles
it hurts to walk, the sand rises quickly in sheets it hurts to breathe
the Gerudos told me back in the fotress that if I keep going I’ll reach Costa Rica
and in Costa Rica there is a shaman who will touch my shoulder
then my thigh then my forehead and I will finally
collapse.

It is not time for that not now never maybe,
dirt under my feet, metal in my ankles,
the dead dog hair still smoldering
in the air somewhere, it makes my nostrils sting-

going to San José
with my whiteywhite smile in
my mouth and nightynight liar
my tounge waggywag wagging
clankitty clank clank clank

I’ll make myself worth something if it’s the last thing I do-dodododododo dododo
I’ll get a piece of the triforce in the back of my hand
I promise you-youyouyouyouyouyou youyouyou
even if I have to etch it there myself.
#3
Reading this was like was a blast of nostalgia from my N64 (and then Gamecube ending with Wii) days. Surprisingly enough all of your allusions blended well. Something I found very interesting was your use of onomatopoeia (however it's spelled). I don't know if it's the right term, really, but you spelled out words like "clankity clank clank" to associate more senses with the piece. I found it an interesting piece to read. It's very involved, but I enjoyed it all the same :-D. It felt almost like an exercise for you to blend as many unlike things together to accomplish one goal. Pretty cool.
#4
The word "sooth" is actually a noun or an adjective meaning "truth" or "real" (or "gentle" or "soft"). The verb meaning "to calm" is spelled "soothe."

So, Portland, huh? I was in Portland while .30-06 played La Luna all the time; the Heavy Johnson Trio and N'jas rocked EJs; sometimes Umber Hulk, Gern Blanston, or Voice Motor On passed through my field of vision; and my band was Backsimba! (the exclamation point was part of the name, not the end of the sentence, which happens here). It was a good home, but there were too many ley lines, and I had to leave.

Oh, the poem? It was beautiful and intense. I don't understand much of it, but none of the images fail to evoke something in me. If it doesn't evoke in me what it evokes in you, is that my fault?

peace
#5
I loved the Zelda references immensly, made me really get into the piece. The tone is gorgeous, heck, this is just brilliant. I'll leave it at that, eh?
#6
wow. it's always nice to see how people have grown as writers. the imagery (and the onomatopoeic language) are awesome. Some of the specific names you use, while helping to assert a definite "place", break your flow a bit.

then suddenly the sky opens
a greathorned owl flies in
tells me my princess is dying
I need to save her right fast

^^ this is the only part that felt awkward for me, specifically that last line.. i also don't like the way the third line begins, i never like it much when people have two verbs piggybacked like that. it always makes me feel like the author was too lazy to flesh out the two actions, and it makes the actions feel inconsequential (which, given the scope of this piece, they should be anything but). this whole "stanza" had no real meter or flow to it. right idea, but I think you can go back over this and seriously smooth it out.

Other than that, the honesty here is great. very nice.

--jay
#7
the videogames references were a huge turnoff.

I mean, really?!?

You'll probably get the geeky populace of S+L sucking your balls for that, but don't fool yourself ; it was ridiculous.

I rarely voice my opinion as a fact, but hey.
#8
......where's the video game reference?

EDIT: Oh jesus christ. that whole thing was about Zelda?!? I just thought you were terrible at coming up with names for places (Death Mountain....). I feel used. You should be ashamed. You wrote a piece using Zelda as the conceit?! Terrible. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Last edited by Phoebus at Mar 10, 2009,
#10
If Zelda were so nerdy as writing poetry in an online forum for the acclaim of others; if writing about Zelda were as hackneyed as writing about suicide or as easy as writing about homelessness; if it took more bravery to post an insult behind an assumed name than to post a poem about a video game, then any detractors of this poem in this forum who chooses to insult the topic of this woman's poetry could rest assured that their superiority was as good as given.

As it is, all of us are human. Our concerns are personal and valid, whether your concerns are the statistics of some sports or movie star who makes more money than you can imagine or whether your hero is yourself and you play out the story yourself, alone. If you're writing about a topic with passion; if your phrases are honest and your words are well-chosen; then you are writing poetry. Helping a poet grow can be valuable criticism, but insulting a poet's topic is self-aggrandizement at someone else's expense.

Anyone posting in this forum has the right to do so, as long as they follow the rules, but a bully is a bully, and a poet is a poet. An insult isn't criticism whether the insulter is last month's favorite forum poet, this month's, a runner-up, or even so poor a wordsmith as I am.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Mar 10, 2009,
#11
^^ i was overplaying my insulted-ness for comedy. relax. no need to give a dissertation on the ethics of anonymous internet forums..... we go back to the old-school.
#12
^oh please.

Dylan and I have been exchanging critiques for years now, honest critiques. I've seen him come up with stuff that blew my mind at times, and stuff that disgusted me at others. He had a lot to say in that piece, I could see that, but ruined it for me with the videogames references. I told him. Big deal.

I'd rather tell him than being an hypocrite. I am sure he doesn't take it badly, and it is "my right" to tell him if I wish to. Thank you. You are not the saint of this forum.

edit ; lol, Jay. How have you been?
#13
i've been good bro....haven't written shit in a long time, got back into it, and said what the hell. back to S+L. I missed you guys.

and yeah, dude, most of the regs have been here for years. no one's feelings got hurt.
#14
I don't see why the references take away from it so much. Nintendo was as much a part of my life as second grade or my third best friend but if I alluded to those things it wouldnt be gimmicked, it would be portrayed as emotional and nostalgic. I'm very happy with any critisism levied against this piece but I think if you are completely rejecting the piece outright merely because of the type of allusions it contains you don't give the piece a fair chance to play out.

welcome back Jay! I hope you stick around please. the piece wasnt about zelda, it was about me, growing up and whatnot, and most of it was about hope in the unknown ect.ect.etc. xxx

luv you all and thank you so much for reading, criticizing, and do all these things that I take for granted. And regardless of what I said above, mat and jay, I definitely see where you're coming from. if either of you posted this I would hate it.

I leave in three days. super excited.
Last edited by #1 synth at Mar 10, 2009,
#15
I know, I was just busting your (metaphorical) balls...... I do like the piece but now that I realize the reference (which I completely missed on the first read, by the way) it does seem somewhat heavy handed in places. Don't take the criticism too badly-- it's a great piece. I just usually end up being overly critical of pieces, because there's always something to make better.

you'd hate it if we posted it because it wouldn't be authentic. it's your baby, be proud.

and i'm back. with like 15 pieces. stay tuned.

keep writing

--jay