#1
(song)
i'm going to attempt to be experimental with the music
kyle will know from the title (if he's done his very obscure homework) how that'll turn out
just cause it's all the same images as ever.


As I skimmed stones over the river at sunrise
the amber of the sky shone off my grey eyes,
and through my broken retina, the orange reflected
and drove in to my mind
but the cold of the air froze my breath as I sighed
so soon the orange had turned to a wintery white

I threw one more stone
and it dropped deep in to the green
as the ripple from the impact cracked the water’s gleam
I knew I couldn’t defeat the fact
that every time the stone sank
it swallowed up another sunbeam

I know I’ve been
trying to set concrete over dreams
and ride a boat over rocky seas.
but I’ve been poking holes in this tapestry.

I’ve been feeling
like a drop of water in a concrete ocean
or a smaller star being burnt up by the sun,
but truth is I’m just wires
and I’ve been busy starting other fires
I just don’t know how to measure
when the damage has been done

what is constant once was feeling
and I’m sure this means something

I know I’ve been
trying to set concrete over dreams
and ride a boat over rocky seas.
but I’ve been poking holes in this tapestry.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Mar 10, 2009,
#2
great, but wat's the point?
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#3
The point, SaiNt adEL #13, is to write poetry. And everyone has their own reason for doing so.

I liked your imagery and use of color. You also cleverly used water to accomplish a central theme. One of my favorite lines in the entire piece was:

that every time the stone sank
it swallowed up another sunbeam

To me those lines really fit. The rhyme didn't seem forced and it feels to me as if it truly belongs there. That's just the way it struck me, though. But overall, I really like it. Thanks for sharing! Did you say you were going to put this to music? I'd love to hear it whenever you do. Please let me know :-D.
#4
Quote by DigUpHerBones
(song)
i'm going to attempt to be experimental with the music
kyle will know from the title (if he's done his very obscure homework) how that'll turn out
just cause it's all the same images as ever.


A personal address to moi? Well, I think I can guess:P

I skimmed stones over rivers at sunrise
and the amber of the sky shone off my grey eyes
and through my broken retina, the orange reflected
and drove into my mind
but the cold of the air froze my breath as I sighed
and soon the orange had turned to a wintery white

To start off with, this flows gorgeously, really rolls off the tongue, which makes me excited to hear it. The rhymes are all good, especialy the subtle "mind/sighed/white" rhyme, that's really nice. I just don't know if I like "broken retina". I haven't come to grips with what this is about yet, though, so I could be wrong.

I threw one more stone
and it dropped deep into the green
as the ripple from the impact cracked the water’s gleam
I knew I couldn’t defeat the fact
that every time the stone sank
it swallowed up another sunbeam

Still flowling gorgeously, still wonderful imagery and rhyme. I've kinda worked out maybe you're skiming stone for some reason:p Just gotta work out why

I know I’ve been
trying to set concrete over dreams
and ride a boat over rocky seas.
but I’ve been poking holes in this tapestry.

I like how you broke the predictable "been/dreams/seas" with "tapestry", that was great. NO complaints writing wise yet, really, except i'm not exactl sure what this means. I though I did, but that "poking holes in this tapestry" confused me.

I’ve been feeling
like a drop of water in a concrete ocean
or a smaller star being burnt up by the sun,
but truth is I’m just wires
and I’ve been busy starting other fires
I just don’t know how to measure
when the damage has been done

I'm just going to be quiet now. "ocean/sun" really good, "wires/fires" - meh, I'll let you get away with it.

what is constant once was feeling
and I’m sure this means something

I know I’ve been
trying to set concrete over dreams
and ride a boat over rocky seas.
but I’ve been poking holes in this tapestry.



I'm a little lost on the meaning, which makes me sad because this is one of the best things you've written. Definitely the best since "Yellow". Just shows a great control over flow and rhyme. And imagery I guess.

I'll have to talk to you on msn to work out what you're on about i think.
#6
I’ve been feeling
like a drop of water in a concrete ocean
or a smaller star being burnt up by the sun,
but truth is I’m just wires
and I’ve been busy starting other fires
I just don’t know how to measure
when the damage has been done


This is the only part I didn't like. The wires image didn't have that instant gratification that your other images had. I couldn't connect with it or visualize it. The rest of the stanza was just meh-ness.

Other than that, i really liked this, particularly the first stanza. The rhyme, the flow, the images. As you would say,
#8
Quote by DigUpHerBones
(song)
i'm going to attempt to be experimental with the music
kyle will know from the title (if he's done his very obscure homework) how that'll turn out
just cause it's all the same images as ever.

Didn't read other crits, so advanced apologies for potential repetitiveness.
I skimmed stones over rivers at sunrise
This is rather small, but I think rivers should be changed to a singular form. It brings it more into focus.
and the amber of the sky shone off my grey eyes
The combination of colors here worked well, actually
and through my broken retina, the orange reflected
and drove in to my mind
but the cold of the air froze my breath as I sighed
and soon the orange had turned to a wintery white
You and your colors . You kept starting off lines with "and", which got annoying after a while. This stanza was brittle. February morning snap if you know what I mean.
I threw one more stone
and it dropped deep in to the green
as the ripple from the impact cracked the water’s gleam
I knew I couldn’t defeat the fact
that every time the stone sank
it swallowed up another sunbeam
The flow's a little bit iffy, but songs tend to be more lenient in that fashion. I really would get rid of green here. The first stanza is strong because of its colors, and having another one just after cheapens the effect. I liked the last two lines, and the rhyme especially here.
I know I’ve been
trying to set concrete over dreams
and ride a boat over rocky seas.
but I’ve been poking holes in this tapestry.
The tapestry rhyme annoyed me, but I can't quite place why. The most I can say about this is that I wouldn't be surprised to find it in a mainstream song. The structure, rhyme scheme, made it just boring and predictable.
I’ve been feeling
like a drop of water in a concrete ocean Again with concrete?
or a smaller star being burnt up by the sun, I really like this line
but truth is I’m just wires
and I’ve been busy starting other fires
I just don’t know how to measure
when the damage has been done

what is constant once was feeling
and I’m sure this means something
This bit is gold. Gold gold gold gold
I know I’ve been
trying to set concrete over dreams
and ride a boat over rocky seas.
but I’ve been poking holes in this tapestry.
... and you already know what I think of all this


I really did like it. The bits I pointed out were just detracting from a solid piece with some very nice parts. I think I know what you're onto, but until I thought about it, it just seemed like a bunch of semimeaningful stanzas with little connection. The truth is, this has depth and I enjoyed reading it.
#9
First verse had a few too many 'and's, not a big deal. It's the same old imagery but damn do you make it work.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
Thank you. I've edited the first stanza a bit to relieve it of many of the connectives.

I quite like the 'green', but I'm going to have to think up some fitting music to prove that and the 'wires' verse to you guys, I suppose.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
I like the concrete dream imagery, but inasmuch as I'm in a band called Concrete Dream... well, I would, wouldn't I?

Also inasmuch as which, I won't say anything further. It was good.

peace
#12


Katherine, this was nothing short of impressive. You managed to give this such a good rhyme scheme, and it's just...captivating, because it's so entirely original. I didn't even mind the repetition of the one stanza while I was reading, because I failed to read your header about putting this to music.

You're so advanced to be as young as you are, and clearly this piece makes the statement that much more evident.
Matter of fact, when I have more time I'd love to come back to this and give a really in-depth critique. Thank you for posting, Katherine.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
Katherine, record this, please please record this. And Kent's words were the most true words I've heard for a long time. You're maturity for your age has always amazed me, and this song showcases it to the best of your ability.