#1
somebody else's family.

there's a liar
waving her finger, till you
open your mouth for insertion;

in a retired and fading,
wide lingered shading,
en route to
crush
your avows as a person.

but i'm going to shift with you
in all that you've been through
to correctly connect these

indefinite issues;

so the keys will find their way
back into my hand, this time.
she falls over the rattle
with one hand below her;
smashing her fist and her wrist
to a bind.

fuck that one-handed liar
waving the reasons
like something's on fire.
i fade in the shade and retire.

but still i shift with you
in all that you've been through
to correctly connect these

inadequate issues;

while a boy who has missed you
in all that he's been through,
with little to live for
but a will to continue

retires and fades in the wide lingered shade,
horrified by a finger
putting
false truths into play.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
I love the cyclic nature of this piece, the rhyming. However, I feel like it's been constrained in this structure. It feels locked, trapped. I didn't enjoy this as much as I should have.
#3
I agree with kyle. It almost felt like the words were there for the rhyme scheme. The words were good, but the rhyme scheme kinda took over after a while. I didn't like the second usage of "issues", either because of redundancy or the word "inadequate", I'm not sure.

i fade in the shade and retire.

Bleugh. Both rhymes in this one seem forced.

EDIT: Don't get me wrong, the rhyming of the piece was very tight, and flowed very well. I just think it became an all-rhyme piece, and along with that came the over-strict structure.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Mar 9, 2009,
#4
love the end rhyme in the first two stanzas, which you then get away from. don't.

find a meter. it's all over the place, right from the get go, which makes your lines irregular in their length, makes your accented syllables erratic, and generally mindfucks the reader. whether you're able to fix this in the way you perform it is up to you, that's just my impression as a reader.

in a retired and fading,
wide lingered shading,
en route to
crush
your avows as a person.

^^first 2 lines are awesome. beautifully constructed and well executed. then you have to force a rhyme, and follow 2 poetic, flowing lines with a blunted ending. "as a person" takes the momentum you built with those 2 first lines and drives it into a brick wall. absolute dead stop. find a better way to end it and you've got yourself a great stanza.

so the keys will find their way
back into my hand, this time.
she falls over the rattle
with one hand below her;
smashing her fist and her wrist
to a bind.


last line is horribly, terribly forced. it doesn't even make that much sense. you just needed a word to sorta rhyme, and you picked bind. again, you have a great stanza going, and then you ruin it by trying to force it into a rhyme. writing is like fucking, when you try too hard to make it happen, it doesn't. you need to just roll with it. by all means, if the rhyme works, use it, but if it doesn't, don't. use approximate rhyme. skip the rhyme all together. whatever. you'd be amazed how many words that aren't really all that close in spelling can work well together. but don't ever force it.

fuck that one-handed liar
waving the reasons
like something's on fire.
i fade in the shade and retire.


now you change your rhyme scheme AGAIN, this time to abaa. and again, the last line is forced, and needs more distance from your second "ire" sound to work. your first line is 7 sylalbles, then you wait 11 syllables for the second rhyme (and that one works very well, by the way). then 9 syllables for the end rhyme. doesn't work. you need more space.

but still i shift with you
in all that you've been through
to correctly connect these

inadequate issues;


THERE! see how that just feels right? from the alliteration to the spacing to the length to the meter, this WORKS. well done. do this more often.

retires and fades in the wide lingered shade,
horrified by a finger
putting
false truths into play.


.........aaand we're back to forced in-rhymes. retiring and fading in the shade sounds like an emo Dr. Seuss book. it just doesn't happen. re-work this, say what you mean, and you'll have a good piece.

in summary, a ton of potential here, especially as a song (as opposed to most of what I've seen here since I got back-- that is, abstract poetry), but you need to be more cognizant of your writing, specifically the more formal aspects (syllabication, meter, etc)

--jay
Last edited by Phoebus at Mar 10, 2009,
#5
The rhyme didn't really go all that well with the disconnected lines and pauses ('indefinite issues')in my mind, so it feels to me like it needs refining. I like both ideas and the way they should be working, but there was just something..
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Quote by Phoebus
re-work this, say what you mean, and you'll have a good piece.
bah, i say what i mean all the time - it just gets old after awhile.

but yeah, this was kind of "on the whim?" if you could call it that...whatever it was, it's apparent that it shouldn't have been posted, lol.

thanks all.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
no no, don't take it like that at all!! of course it should be posted. the only way to get better is to put something out there, get kicked in the balls, and then improve. it's not a bad piece by any stretch (i usually don't crit things that are complete crap), there's just a lot of little things you can add or subtract that would make a huge difference for you in this piece. I'm overly critical, don't think you shouldn't post. That's the last thing you should do.

keep writing,

--jay
#8
^oh yeah, no i didn't mean it that way man. trust me, i've been kicked in the balls many times on this site, lol, not just in S&L. but what i was saying(not to sound modest, at all), is that i wouldn't consider this to be of my standard quality, at least of what i post here.

i walked into a wal-mart the other day and saw some lady with a broken arm treating her kids like ****, so i thought i'd take 5 minutes to jot down my thoughts concerning this.

but it's cool to meet another decent user here, and thank you very much for the insightful critique. i'll be sure to return as soon as possible.

- kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
fair enough bro....i just got back after a hiatus of sorts, so I haven't read anyone's stuff/even know who the regulars have become since I left

look forward to reading more
#10
Hey. I'm going to post a more positive critique of your piece. I was a bit lost at first with the introduction of the liar, but it quickly fell into place for me. I honestly didn't find anything wrong with line breaks, but they're also something I've never really used effectively. I really loved your "indefinite issues" hanging out between the stanzas because it completed the rhyme but was almost indecisively between the two, adding to the "indefinite" vibe. That was cool to me. Also, I really liked

**** that one-handed liar
waving the reasons
like something's on fire.

This was the best part of the piece to me. I don't know, I guess you had already started describing what was going down and then this to me felt very cathartic and emotional like you really wanted to scream this at the mother. But yeah, that's just my two cents. Thanks for sharing!
#12
somebody else's family.

there's a liar
waving her finger, till you
open your mouth for insertion;

in a retired and fading,
wide lingered shading,
[the wording here strikes me as odd. are you using shading as a noun? should it just be shade?]
en route to
crush
your avows as a person.
[is avows just a verb? should this be your vows as a person?]

but i'm going to shift with you
in all that you've been through
to correctly connect these

indefinite issues;


so the keys will find their way
back into my hand, this time.
she falls over the rattle
with one hand below her;
smashing her fist and her wrist
to a bind.


fuck that one-handed liar
waving the reasons
like something's on fire.
i fade in the shade and retire.
[oof. this seems really forced. your rhymes have been so natural and easy so far. try reworking this one; you are obviously a good writer, and this does not at all show it.]

but still i shift with you
in all that you've been through
to correctly connect these

inadequate issues;

while a boy who has missed you
in all that he's been through,
with little to live for
but a will to continue

retires and fades in the wide lingered shade,
horrified by a finger
putting
false truths into play.
[yesssss. these last stanzas are GREAT. the first is an example of what i meant by solid rhyming, and the last stanza brings it back around to the beginning. and i really like the imagery and kind of openness to the last line.]


overall, i enjoyed this; just a very few minor word choice things and major rhyme issues that stuck out to me. but i look forward to reading more of your posts.
Last edited by joshmordecai at Mar 10, 2009,
#13
ususally this much rhyming would drive me bonkers, but this really kept my interest nicely and even though i did feel there might have been too much rhyming for my tastes, it did bother me(if that makes any sense. not much else to say here other that i liked it.
#14
somebody else's family.

there's a liar
waving her finger, till you
open your mouth for insertion;

in a retired and fading,
wide lingered shading,
en route to
crush
your avows as a person.

but i'm going to shift with you
in all that you've been through
to correctly connect these

indefinite issues;

so the keys will find their way
back into my hand, this time.
she falls over the rattle
with one hand below her;
smashing her fist and her wrist
to a bind.

fuck that one-handed liar
waving the reasons
like something's on fire.
i fade in the shade and retire.

but still i shift with you
in all that you've been through
to correctly connect these

inadequate issues;

while a boy who has missed you
in all that he's been through,
with little to live for
but a will to continue

retires and fades in the wide lingered shade,
horrified by a finger
putting
false truths into play.

does those Lyrics belong to some group or you have written them yourself?
#15
^not lyrics - poetry.
and i'd feel quite ashamed of myself to post something not-completely original.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#16
it doesn't feel quite in the pocket as your last few. like it is lacking something, almost like your self isn't in it. it had a good flow, but just sort of drifted and didn't really bite.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#17
joshmordecai and Phoebus said everything specific I had in mind to say. I look forward to seeing a reworking or whatever else you choose to share.

peace