#1


i grew restless and
out of love
so i drove eight blocks in one direction
ran three stop lights
without my hands on the wheel
and without taking my foot off the gas.
found a jukebox bar downtowmn
somewhere i'd never been
parked up on the pavement outside -
knocked some motorbike off its stand
but i didn't much care about that
i just wanted a beer and
signs on the wals
beermats and sticky tables
smoke in the air
my feet on the rail
rooted to the bottom of the bar.

and i was the barman
i was the punters
i was the hooker sat alone in a booth by the door
eyeing up the boys as they came in and
i was the manager
and i was the two cops cleaning up a couple of nights ago
after i had a fight with myself in here
broke some bottles
and some skin and
i was the vinyl and the stylus and
i was the chairs that took the arses of
the drunk drunks
screaming at the women outside
and i was the floor
and the dust
and the dirtiness
and the spiders in the corners of the
tables and the benches
and i was the air in there
and that was my bike outside
and i was kicking myself as i sat back and became
everything i'd ever seen or done and

i never ran those stoplights again
because i knew i'd only crash with myself.





love is a dog from hell.



#2
ah very nice.

i just wanted a beer and
signs on the wals
beermats and sticky tables


need an l in walls
I didn't care much for the repetition of beer-

I thought this was great. Well done, good through and through.

You're one of my favorites on here and this one didn't hit me like some of you're stuff but I was into it and nodding my head by the end. Solid stuff, chris.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
and i was the two cops cleaning up a couple of nights ago

this line needs to be shorter. i love the repetition in this verse, but it seems like S + L has gone more towards poetry (not a bad thing, but not it's stated purpose).... if you intend this to be a song, there needs to be less.......words? I'm not sure how to phrase it. Look at this:

ran three stop lights
without my hands on the wheel
and without taking my foot off the gas.
found a jukebox bar downtowmn
somewhere i'd never been
parked up on the pavement outside -
knocked some motorbike off its stand

for some reason both pieces i've read since i got back have done this, and it doesn't work.
ran three stoplights, found a bar, parked on the pavement outside

it reads like a laundry list. you got home, your girl asked you how your day was, and you said "uh....good. let's see....ran 3 stoplights, found a bar, parked on the sidewalk, knocked over a motorbike.............................. etc"

give definite action to your protagonist. no one ever quotes epic lines from a song that sounds like a laundry list. you're better than that.

you clearly showed that in your second verse. outside of that one line that's a bit too long, the second verse is phenomenal. everything from the repetition to the scene you paint is right on. the last 2 lines are great. really nice stuff.

--jay