#1
Working on stuff for a side project, most of which involves pieces i wrote years back that I'm polishing, or some (like this one) that never had any real direction that I tweaked and made something out of. As always crit for crit, leave a link.

Hard to be a Hero in the Haywire
well I could flash like lightning with the lights down low
and my eyes shot fire and my breath burned cold
I was riding like Phoebus into the morning sun
With the last girl to win me over

up the hill the college girls shake in the evenin breeze
rustlin their feathers like the last summer leaves
and the boys on the corner they knock em down with ease
and i scratched my head like i got a social disease

now now backstreet girls glide the boardwalk smooth
with their legs all satin and sex attitude
and i caught myself starin like a punch drunk fool
at this devil in sweet girl's clothing

and i heard the wind caress her soft like a lover's touch
as she danced her way on down the road
and i was standin all alone with my heart turnin cold
deciding it's time to ride this night out alone..

tearin down the streets on a horse with no name
screaming thunder and cold with every move that i made
Mama told me i'm heading for a lonesome grave
and it's so hard to be a hero in the haywire....


--jay
Last edited by Phoebus at Mar 10, 2009,
#3
Yeah man, I just started writing again....well, more accurately taking old, unfinished stuff and refining it into usable material, and I missed this place. Bringin' it back to the old skool. If you could give it a look when you get the chance, i'd be much obliged
#5
Quote by Phoebus
Working on stuff for a side project, most of which involves pieces i wrote years back that I'm polishing, or some (like this one) that never had any real direction that I tweaked and made something out of. As always crit for crit, leave a link.

Hard to be a Hero in the Haywire
well I could flash like lightning with the lights down low
and my eyes shot fire and my breath burned cold
I was riding like Phoebus into the morning sun
With the last girl to win me over
Compared to the other verses this last line looks the weakest, but in a way it sets up the narrative and in that case I don't really care. Loved the first three lines.

up the hill the college girls shake in the evenin breeze
rustlin their feathers like the last summer leaves
and the boys on the corner they knock em down with ease
and i scratched my head like i got a social disease
The "and the" get a bit tiresome and too well worn, you could always just leave them out and if they need throwing in (I guess you will record these) they'll come naturally, on paper they're pretty ugly but hey, I still use rhythmic fills like this, so again, it works. Just looks a little uglier.


now now backstreet girls glide the boardwalk smooth
with their legs all satin and sex attitude
and i caught myself starin like a punch drunk fool
at this devil in sweet girl's clothing

and i heard the wind caress her soft like a lover's touch
as she danced her way on down the road
and i was standin all alone with my heart turnin cold
deciding it's time to ride this night out alone..
The verse with less spark and a little more cheese. Lacking compared to the others.

tearin down the streets on a horse with no name
screaming thunder and cold with every move that i made
Mama told me i'm heading for a lonesome grave
and it's so hard to be a hero in the haywire....


--jay


So, anyway, JAY, just to get that outta the way. Good to see you. Hoe you've been well and all that Jazz.

I'm sure Mel will take good care of you in her critique.

G'luck, man. Stick around n stuff.
#6
Is it a ghost? I remember you! I doubt you remember me.


I liked the piece a lot. I don't have much to say about it, it's actually been a while since I've actually done any crits. I might look at it tomorrow and be a bit more specific. For now, I just thought hte rhythm to it was really nice.


Have a
#7
I saw you lay down a critique on someone else's piece and I decided I wanted to look at yours :-D. The opening stanza definitely hit the ground running. I loved the flow and the energy and the allusion. I didn't like the last line as much just because I felt like it slowed down a little bit, but it didn't really matter to the whole piece. I liked the next stanza and the imagery of the college girls and guys' reactions, but once again the last line didn't do it for me. I just felt after having two awesome stanzas, the rhyme was forced with "social disease."

well I could flash like lightning with the lights down low
and my eyes shot fire and my breath burned cold
I was riding like Phoebus into the morning sun

now now backstreet girls glide the boardwalk smooth
with their legs all satin and sex attitude
and i caught myself starin like a punch drunk fool

Those were my favorite lines in the entire piece. They were just written well and hit me like a truck. Really cool stuff. Thanks for sharing your piece! My stuff isn't that great, but maybe you could take a look at "King Midas" and let me know what to work on. Thanks!
#8
I thought this was very very good. Engaging and moving.

Really liked it.

that's about all for now but I just wanted to say that.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#9
The site went down and I couldn't post. Saved it though, and here it is:

Quote by Phoebus

Hard to be a Hero in the Haywire
well I could flash like lightning with the lights down low
and my eyes shot fire and my breath burned cold
I was riding like Phoebus into the morning sun
With the last girl to win me over
I didn't like the "well", I thought it didn't contribute and it gave this a sort of afterthought feeling that I didn't think suited the opening. The rest of the stanza was lovely, except for maybe the ending which could have been worded a bit more originally, or give more impact.

up the hill the college girls shake in the evenin breeze
rustlin their feathers like the last summer leaves
and the boys on the corner they knock em down with ease
and i scratched my head like i got a social disease
This was clearly suppose to create some momentum, with the rhyme and structure, but I thought that some of the "in-between" words, the fillers, were just a bit overdone and repetitive, but I loved the idea of this kicking the piece up a notch in the second stanza, I thought it was very cleverly done.

now now backstreet girls glide the boardwalk smooth
with their legs all satin and sex attitude
and i caught myself starin like a punch drunk fool
at this devil in sweet girl's clothing
I really liked this stanza. I thought it was very well executed, both in wording and content.

and i heard the wind caress her soft like a lover's touch
as she danced her way on down the road
and i was standin all alone with my heart turnin cold
deciding it's time to ride this night out alone..
This turned a bit cliché for my taste here. It was alright, but I think you could have made it more original.

tearin down the streets on a horse with no name
screaming thunder and cold with every move that i made
Mama told me i'm heading for a lonesome grave
and it's so hard to be a hero in the haywire....
A fitting ending. I thought it tied all the piece together very nicely, not only content-wise, but the structure, rhythm and rhymes as well.


I'm so sorry for the delay, and for that I stopped everything and I'm giving you this critique straight from London.
It's really lovely to see you posting again, Jay.


Carmel
This is not a pipe