#1
She wants me to stay away
I'll stay as far as i can be
Love is a crime when it's between friends
Stuck all this poison in my head
I have no disease, I have no cure
Life could be better shown like this
I don't really miss anything.

(Chorus)
I am a stone
I am a stone and i can't breathe
I am a stone
I am a stone and i am never free

Lock in a cage made of human skin
Spoil thoughts keep slipping in
I heard a voice that sounded high
She said, i might not make it out alive
I don't feel pain like yours
I have finally closed the door
Life is so much better like this
I don't really miss her at all

(Chorus)

She wants me to fade away
I'll fade as deep as a skeleton's dream
Hate is a crime what we are both dead
Still have this poison in my head
I dont hear nothing anymore
I have no friends, I am a board
Life could be worse thown up like this
But i dont miss you in seconds

(Chorus)

I am A stone (3x)
I am a stone yeah
I am a stone
And she's still in here
#2
I enjoyed it.
Mainly because i can relate to the emotions here.
Still, some spots are iffy:
Quote by theotherguy37

I have no disease, I have no cure
Very cliche, but it can slide


Lock in a cage made of human skin - Locked?
Spoil thoughts keep slipping in - Spoiled?
I heard a voice that sounded high
She said, i might not make it out alive
Confusing to me, change of verb tense. Maybe this was intentional?


She wants me to fade away
I'll fade as deep as a skeleton's dream - Creative analogy, but i don't feel that it really fits with the rest of the piece

Hate is a crime what we are both dead - Confusing/Flow problems
Still have this poison in my head
I dont hear nothing anymore - Double negative

I have no friends, I am a board
Life could be worse thown up like this
But i dont miss you in seconds
- Try rewording this bit maybe?

Overall, very good. I'm picky about certain things, so don;t take the criticisms too harshly.
I look forward to seeing more of your writing.
Last edited by PissInMyShoeses at Mar 9, 2009,
#3
For the most part, I enjoyed this. But the chorus seems awfully redundant. I'm assuming this is what you're going for, but will it sounds alright? Anyways, stellar verses, though. I agree with Pissinmyshoeses's comments on the lock/locked and spoiled/spoiled thing. It appears like it might flow better if you put it in past tense, but maybe that's just me haha. Anyways, very nice writing C4C? (check my sig)
#4
thank you for your comment it really helps.. and im serious.. i really dont like when i show a person a song i wrote and just say "it's good." and thats it.. that doesnt help me become better.. so thanks again..
#5
and i did the "spoil" thing by mistake i was meaning to have it like that.. so thanks again because i forgot to the names in the other message thanks Pissinmyshoeses and Niki for your comments they really help alot..
#6
Quote by theotherguy37
and i did the "spoil" thing by mistake i was meaning to have it like that.. so thanks again because i forgot to the names in the other message thanks Pissinmyshoeses and Niki for your comments they really help alot..


i wasnt meaning to have that.. haha
#7
Quote by theotherguy37
She wants me to stay away
I'll stay as far as i can be
poor flow
Love is a crime when it's between friends
Stuck all this poison in my head
I have no disease, I have no cure
Life could be better shown like this
I don't really miss anything.

(Chorus)
I am a stone
I am a stone and i can't breathe
I am a stone
I am a stone and i am never free

Lock in a cage made of human skin
Spoil thoughts keep slipping in
I heard a voice that sounded high
She said, i might not make it out alive
this is choppy, sounds like it was done just to make it rhyme. If you want to keep alive at the end you need to reword
I don't feel pain like yours
I have finally closed the door
Life is so much better like this
I don't really miss her at all

(Chorus)

She wants me to fade away
I'll fade as deep as a skeleton's dream
I like this
Hate is a crime what we are both dead
Still have this poison in my head
I dont hear nothing anymore
change "nothing"
I have no friends, I am a board
Life could be worse thown up like this
But i dont miss you in seconds

(Chorus)

I am A stone (3x)
I am a stone yeah
I am a stone
And she's still in here


I like that the chorus doesn't repeat exactly, the repetition isn't overdone as a result. I was a little confused about lines like "I don't really miss her at all" since its at odds with lines saying "never free" "still poisoned" etc. Unless you were going for the irony, in which case it works . Beyond that, fix a couple typos and its good.
Last edited by NathanBrown at Mar 10, 2009,
#10
Quote by theotherguy37
She wants me to stay away
I'll stay as far as i can be
I didnt really like these lines the flow was weird or something
Love is a crime when it's between friends
Stuck all this poison in my head
I have no disease, I have no cure
Life could be better shown like this
I don't really miss anything.

I liked the last couple of lines, but the flow in the last one was a little weird

(Chorus)
I am a stone
I am a stone and i can't breathe
I am a stone
I am a stone and i am never free

I liked the chorus, are the and I cant breathe/never free lines screamed? I think they would sound good like that but thats just me, maybe harmonized with the I am a stone line?

Lock in a cage made of human skin
Spoil thoughts keep slipping in
I heard a voice that sounded high
She said, i might not make it out alive
I don't feel pain like yours
I have finally closed the door
Life is so much better like this
I don't really miss her at all

I agree with everyone else change the lock/spoil lines, I loved this verse though

(Chorus)

She wants me to fade away
I'll fade as deep as a skeleton's dream
Hate is a crime what we are both dead
Still have this poison in my head
I dont hear nothing anymore
I really liked these lines really good
I have no friends, I am a board
Life could be worse thown up like this
But i dont miss you in seconds
Honestly I didnt like these last couple of lines but thats just me
(Chorus)

I am A stone (3x)
I am a stone yeah
I am a stone
And she's still in here
I feel like if you contine repeating I am a stone it will get really old really fast


Overall this was a decent piece, there are some places that need work if you dont mind criting the untitled piece in my sig I would appericate it
Last edited by therealtater at Mar 11, 2009,