#1
I close my eyes
to forget the pain
and fight back the tears
as you walk away

You said
I'll love you forever
but you broke my heart
It makes me wonder
Do you even know what love is

The mind games you play
tear away at me
one day your here
then your gone again

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Dig the knife deeper
then fix wounds
with your kiss
stick it in me again

why me?
what did I do wrong?
The pain is so unreal (music fades completely)
like the love you gave me (Spoken)

not really my best but this was something I had to get outta my system let me know what you think, I'll do crit for crit also but I may not get back with you tonight
Last edited by therealtater at Mar 10, 2009,
#2
i like it, seems like an exact same topic i wrote for one of my songs... girls... best reason to write songs lol.. 1 thing, maybe u should say "the mind games you play, tear me away, one day your hear,then youll never reappear" just a suggestion
Guitars
Paul Reed Smith: Mike Mushok Baritone w/BKP Juggernaut's
Ibanez: RG321MH

Alvarez: MD-60C
Amp
Randall RM100C
Stock BlackFace Module
Modded 2004 XTC 101B Module
Stock Treadplate Module
#4
Hey man, thanks for sharing this! We all have those pieces we need to get out of our system. I felt like this dealt with common subject matter. That's not entirely a bad thing, but I felt some parts detracted from the piece as a whole. They were minor, though.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

I don't know if this needed to be fully capitalized. It took away from the flow for me. I also found the 'knife lines' to be an often-covered cliche. But that's the way it struck me. I can tell this was an emotional piece and we all have the ones we need to get out of our system. Good luck on the next one and I can't wait to see it. If you could take a look at my "King Midas", I would appreciate it. Have a good one.
#5
I forgot to add in how I thought the transition from music to silence at the end would probably sound very cool if the piece was done very emotionally.
#6
well I capitialized that because it was screamed, and the last lines in a couple of the verses are screamed as well, and I think the piece would be very emotional thanks for all the crits and I dont have time to crit your piece right now Milo but I promise I will get to it either later tonight or tomorrow afternoon
#7
It's okay. Personally, it's a little too straightforward. You just tell me what happens, you haven't even used any particularly nice adjectives. IMO, you should try to leave it more open to interpretation but use better descriptions. Then again, there are some genres of musics where these lyrics would be loved, this is just my opinion.