#1
We are post-avenue and now into boulevard
and please, just keep driving
I love getting lost in...
how about we use the radio as sonar
to find our way home
or maybe you and me could just scream
that's always a must

my voice is so foggy now
and I am not necessarily fond of tea
So we could just push off
and collect some mist
as it blankets this little pond,
and the little old ladies at the dock
could say, 'how sweet...'
and the little old ladies would never jump in
to save me as I drown
to save me as I realize I am alone in this boat now

and follow me into this House,
it would be only fair
to warn you that I don't have much
but these spoiled tears
of satisfaction, dissatisfaction,I
I'm a mess; I can't breath
I feel this rust ever-so choking me

ha-ha If you sold me down river in a make shift raft
I think I would just come back
I really think I would just come back
with out a lesson learn
If you sold me down a river, off a bridge in a car I think
no body would be found,
oh-no-oh-no

and the little old ladies at the dock
could say, 'how sweet...'
as a wallflower final got his,
but then they realize how fucked the book really is
and a slow collapse of love
echos into the mist
as visuals
for our sonar lips
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Mar 11, 2009,
#3
hmmm, I dunno, Erik. I can't work out what this is about, and that ruined it for me. It just seemed so disjointed. Also:
"that's always as must"
wtf?
#4
that's a spelling mistake, its meant to be 'a must'
as in that's something we have to do, etc etc.
For the meaning I tried to take the generic, 'I-don't-have-anyone-boo-hoo" and turn it into something un-generic and somewhat deep.
this one is for you.
#5
i wish you'd referenced literature
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
Quote by Ebshabutiee
We are post-avenue and now into boulevard
and please, just keep driving
I love getting lost in...
I enjoyed the start.
how about we use the radio as a sonar
to find our way home
or maybe you and me could just scream
Comma after 'scream', maybe?
that's always a must

my voice is so foggy now
and I am not necessarily fond of tea
So we could just push off
and collect some mist
Last four lines were great, loved them!
as it blankets this little pond,
and the little old ladies at the dock
could say, 'how sweet...'
and the little old ladies would never jump in
to save me as I drown
Perhaps a comma or a semicolon at the end of this line?

to save me as I realize I am alone in this boat now

and follow me into this House,
it would be only fair
to warn you that I don't have much
but these spoiled tears
of satisfaction, dissatisfaction,I
I'm a mess; I can't breathe
The last two lines were great, but I didn't care much for the ones before them in this stanza.
I feel this rust ever-so choking me

ha-ha If you sold me down a river in a make shift raft
I think I would just come back
I really think I would just come back
without a lesson learn
No space between with and out
If you sold me down a river, off a bridge in a car I think
no body would be found,
oh-no-oh-no

and the little old ladies at the dock
could say, 'how sweet...'
as a wallflower final got his,
but then they realize how fucked the book really is
and a slow collapse of love
echoes into the mist
as visuals
for our sonar lips


I quite liked this. It had a very jumpy feel to it, which was quite good, and you repeated some ideas several times but in varied ways, which was also nice. I've pointed out a few spelling errors and what I'd change grammatically, hope it helps!
#7
Quote by meh!
i wish you'd referenced literature

House of Leaves, Perks of Being a wallflower, Catcher in the rye, Rant

not much, not prominent, and the title was more-or-less a joke

also, thanks Michal.
this one is for you.
#8
*more literature

On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish