#1
Hey guys, new poem. I found when writing this I knew what I wanted to say, but didn't know how to say it; all crits greatly welcome and appreciated.

c4c if you leave a link

[font="Georgia"]I choke on broken thoughts and
drunken dreams,
memories spilling from
inside her mouth,
into my heart;
barely held by ruptured veins
and a rotting spine.

A carnival for the dead.

Stars spiral before my eyes,
an ocean of energy, beauty,
truth,
the side of humanity we could
never find, even with the humble
answer carelessly staring us
in the face;
and I reach out-
try to touch them,
but I guess they're not for me to take.[/FONT]
#5
I really liked this, even though I felt it was a little short, I really liked the first couple of lines if you dont mind criting my newest piece I would appericate it, theres a link in the sig
#6
There's something to say about your word choice. You're a true poet. Being able to convey such powerful emotions into only a few words... is what I'm striving to do with my own poetry.

Only criticism is that when I'm reading it, I don't immediately find meter and rhythm. It might just be the formatting. I would suggest putting it line for line, but that's only a minor detail.

One of my poems that I'd love for you to comment:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1085483
#7
You keep impressing me with every new poem you post. I've nothing to say about this except that it was beautiful. Keep posting and keep impressing me.
#9
The big problems that Dyl above means to point out are the over-reliance on adjectives and adverbs that you continually use.

It is better to show what you mean, than to describe what you mean, generally. There's also a porblem of loose-linked images rather than an overriding theme that makes this seem more theme-from-image than theme-into-poetry, a rather slightly juvenile approach to poetry,

Thanks man. Keeep it going, this wasn't bad. Just didn't catch me.
#10
Thanks for the crits, guys, I really appreciate it.

Jammydude, is there anything that you particularly didn't like? I want to change this, work on it and improve it, but quite honestly I don't know where to start.
#11
Everything after the first stanza was spot on. I think it's definitely a case of struggling for the right words when you have a great idea. I'd say cut down on the amount of description you use... keep it simple, like the last stanza. It's descriptive... but not overly so - at least in the way of words like 'ruptured'. It's a bit too wordy IMO. That last stanza... beautiful. I wouldn't be touching it.
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#12
It just needs some streamlining. It was just stuffy with modifiers.

I'd think it better to just keep moving forward, write new stuff.
#13
it felt very muffled (in a good way)
almost like a very clear message, but it makes you feel distant from the poem as a whole
but also intensely close to a few lines and or words.
#14
I really can't crit this piece well, I feel a lot like Ebshabutiee.

It's a beautiful piece, and it really sounds great to my ears... can't find anything that I dislike about it. Fantastic job.




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