#1
Who knows love?

All our wants, all our needs
Love prances around
Hormones flying at high speeds

Is this love?
I’d like it to be
But I don’t know what love is
Or even what I want love to be

Your smile blends in well with your beautiful eyes
I could tell you I really love you
I don’t want to make up lies
I know I want you, how much, I don’t know
But to make you want me, I’m just going with the flow

I’m scared to say what I really want to say
Lack of experience?
I think I’m just afraid

Is it love?
I’d like it to be
But I don’t know what love is
Or even what I want love to be
Last edited by JacKofAces91 at Mar 10, 2009,
#2
okay, a very basic crit for you, but i think it is a major issue with this piece:

DO NOT force rhymes. please. many of your lines do not really make sense, and it is purely because you seem desperate to rhyme. also, it feels very much like you've just started writing. if you have, that's great; keep working, and eventually you will pick up some tricks that work for you that make your writing better. if not, try branching out. use new vocabulary. try different rhyme schemes and structures. try to tell a story that isn't cliche. i really look forward to seeing what you post in the future. i hope to see you grow as a writer.
#3
Thanks man! I've just started writing, and I hope that my stuff is at least bearable to read. I really like your criticisms though. I'll try to stay away from the cliche rhymes in the future, and I will be posting new material as soon as I can.
#4
yea good song but like joshmordecai said dont try and force the rhymes
When I buy my wife, at first she cook good, her vagine worked well, she strong on plow, but three years later when she was fifteen, she receive hair on her chest, her voice become deep, "BORAT, BORAT", and her vagine hang like sleeve of wizard