Page 1 of 8
#1
Whats your favorite simple one or two liner jokes?

Mines this:

Q- What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A- Youre gonna have to wait a while for me to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

And

Q- Why was the fork blushing?
A- It saw the salad dressing.

That ones dumb but it entertains me for some reason.
#2
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I mmediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just ... just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs.
#4
Quote by Survivalism
Two drums and a cymbal fall off of a cliff.

*rimshot*


gear

Epiphone SG-400
Agile AL-3100
Schecter Damien-7 (EMG 707 swap)
Peavey JSX Head
Peavey 412 Cab
Boss GT-10
Yamaha FG720S Acoustic
#5
Quote by Survivalism
Two drums and a cymbal fall off of a cliff.

*rimjob*

Fix'd. Now it's funny.
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
Quote by Hydra150
There's a dick on Earth, too
It's you
#6
Quote by Survivalism
Two drums and a cymbal fall off of a cliff.

*rimshot*


Ba-dum TTTssshhh.
I've decided that my signature is terrible. I'm open to suggestions.


Click me, or I'll die.


# Un-nominated in UG Top 100,
#7
Why did Karl Marx drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft!
Board:
Pitchblack - Fulltone Octafuzz - Hardwire OD - Blakemore Effects Deus Ex Machina - MXR Micro Chorus - Diamond Memory Lane Jr - EHX SMMH - Neunaber Wet
#11
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.
Quote by herby190
Every thread I've seen you in has been a complete success. Yay you!

Quote by theking182
i'm voting for GNiCk89. i just like how he speaks TO me, not AT me.

Quote by \m/Angus\m/
Yea, Sublime is a great band. You have an Underoath icon, so I think your opinion doesn't matter.
#15
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?


MY ASS!!
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
Quote by Hydra150
There's a dick on Earth, too
It's you
#16
better nate than lever
Quote by SleightOfHand
****in right budday! grunge is the shiite!

didnt read ur post tho so dont know what im agreeing to.

Quote by horloko
Good. More centaur pussy for me.

Quote by myearshurt


God bless you GrungeBeatle


#17
Quote by IsThereLoveInSp
Why did Karl Marx drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft!


What does Karl Marx put in his pasta?

Communist Manipesto!
#18
What did creepingdeth57 realize when he opened this thread?


Many of the jokes are stolen from this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzHBszZn6uo

and this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7GvstxiH-M
Quote by Karvid
Maybe the number three has a human fetish


Quote by SeveralSpecies
It is a book by Michael Behe arguing for Intelligent Design.


I assume it has great tits because it has been repeatedly titty f*cked by REAL scientists.


#20
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive a car?

She was a woman.
Quote by herby190
Every thread I've seen you in has been a complete success. Yay you!

Quote by theking182
i'm voting for GNiCk89. i just like how he speaks TO me, not AT me.

Quote by \m/Angus\m/
Yea, Sublime is a great band. You have an Underoath icon, so I think your opinion doesn't matter.
#21
Quote by strat0blaster
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?


MY ASS!!


HAHA

Listen to what he says, or he'll cut of your big toe! oo...that's tender...that is tender...
Signature temporarily empty
#22
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "how much for a drink".

The bartender replies...

"For you, no charge"!

/stolen.
I've decided that my signature is terrible. I'm open to suggestions.


Click me, or I'll die.


# Un-nominated in UG Top 100,
#23
Quote by Lord Of Donkeys
HAHA

Listen to what he says, or he'll cut of your big toe! oo...that's tender...that is tender...

You win, becuase that movie was awesome and you know about it.

And from now on, you will refer to me as...


Betty.
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
Quote by Hydra150
There's a dick on Earth, too
It's you
#24
Quote by strat0blaster
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?

MY ASS!!

KUNG POW!
#25
If you are rowing down the road in your canoe and your wagon wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to make a doghouse?

Green, because a vest has no sleeves.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
#26
That's probably my favorite movie ever.

Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement, with Taco Bell.

OUR. SEXUAL. PREFERENCES. ARE. OUR. OWN. BUSINESS.
Signature temporarily empty
#27
How do you tell the gender of a chromosome?
Pull down it's genes!
Church burning is good for the (social) environment

_██_
(ಠ_ృ--------


Quote by theknuckster
It's like you take vodka, and then dilute it down until it's pretty much water, but still call it vodka, and proceed to pretend to get heavily wasted off it.
#28
why did the blond kill herself?

because she was clinically depressed and wanted to end her life
Quote by RU Experienced?
See the FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU- thread, he's a God amongst men.

^^ about me


Confucius once say: "Women is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time, 1/4 ragtime."

This is my sig, get over it. ಠ_ಠ
#30
Quote by TheAmericanRuse
what is brown and sticky?
a stick

Total win right here!!!


Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
Schecter Tempest Custom
Squier Jagmaster
Epiphone Les Paul Jr. (Modified)
Crafter D-8

DOD FX50-B > EHX Little Big Muff > Digitech Whammy 4 >
Dunlop Cry Baby > Zoom G3 > Boss DD-7 > Digitech Digiverb

Orange OR-15
Marshall Valvestate VS100
#31
Quote by GrungeBeatle
better nate than lever


cant believe i read that whole thing, was entertaining tho.
#33
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
Quote by RU Experienced?
See the FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU- thread, he's a God amongst men.

^^ about me


Confucius once say: "Women is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time, 1/4 ragtime."

This is my sig, get over it. ಠ_ಠ
#34
Quote by xyz66
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.


I agree. They're not even real, just abstract concepts created by humans.
I've decided that my signature is terrible. I'm open to suggestions.


Click me, or I'll die.


# Un-nominated in UG Top 100,
#35
Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?
Because she needs the other to moan with
Church burning is good for the (social) environment

_██_
(ಠ_ృ--------


Quote by theknuckster
It's like you take vodka, and then dilute it down until it's pretty much water, but still call it vodka, and proceed to pretend to get heavily wasted off it.
Last edited by XxDethmetalxX at Mar 11, 2009,
#36
Why is the sky blue?

Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.
Quote by RU Experienced?
See the FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU- thread, he's a God amongst men.

^^ about me


Confucius once say: "Women is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time, 1/4 ragtime."

This is my sig, get over it. ಠ_ಠ
#37
Made this one up this morning: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

'Ellifiknow.

Hahahah...

Also, ONE. OF US. IS WEARING. A PUSH-UP BRA.
I sued Delta Airlines, 'cause they sold me a ticket to New Jersey, I went there, and it SUCKED.
#38
Q: What do you call a black person with a white belt?

A: A beginner at karate.
Quote by RU Experienced?
See the FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU- thread, he's a God amongst men.

^^ about me


Confucius once say: "Women is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time, 1/4 ragtime."

This is my sig, get over it. ಠ_ಠ
#39
Quote by xyz66
why did the blond kill herself?

because she was clinically depressed and wanted to end her life


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha wait...


#40
One day, Little Timmy asked his mother this question, "Mommy, why are boys and girls different?" She responded, "You're adopted and Santa Claus is dead."
Quote by RU Experienced?
See the FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU- thread, he's a God amongst men.

^^ about me


Confucius once say: "Women is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time, 1/4 ragtime."

This is my sig, get over it. ಠ_ಠ