#1
I tried to explain what the leftovers looked like
outside the fridge, on top of the counter, beside the sink.
just last night, about a minute from now
is when the symptoms started to both persist and wane
could do nothing but lay on my back, with both hands clasped and wait.
there should have been a kiss waiting for you at the door, i know.
there shouldn't have been a pile of clothes for you to fold, i know.
it starts at the ankles and lingers slowly to the knees
just beneath where the flesh and the bones would probably meet.
i grind my teeth and squaller from side to side
moaning a hum i made up in grade school to get me through recess.
a collision of sensations that actually are truly beautiful
and reddish-green harmonic pinch of utter bliss.
who would have known how fun it would be not to breathe.
and syringe my last pulse that's hanging from the sleeve.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Mar 12, 2009,
#2
So what did the left overs look like? There's no closure here.
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
Quote by Hydra150
There's a dick on Earth, too
It's you
#3
^oh mi ur so funni.

Quote by streetcarp19
on top the the counter
i'm pretty sure the first "the" was meant to be an "of," or maybe not included altogether; it'd work either way.
normally, i really don't dig stuff like this; but this was so....descriptive. too much to be ignored, actually. i'm glad you commented on my piece, otherwise i may have never gotten around to reading this.

sorry for the crap comment, good stuff though.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
thanks man, yeah, i fixed that one error, thanks for picking up on it. Well, now i am really glad that i commented on your piece.
#5
I would just like to say I loved this. Very smooth and impressive.

glad I got to read it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#9
I've been meaning to find something worthwhile to say but after reading this many times since a few days, I just can't find much to fault.

The execution was pretty good.

i grind my teeth and squaller from side to side
moaning a hum i made up in grade school to get me through recess.
a collision of sensations that actually are truly beautiful

<3 loved this.
#10
I'm sorry I've taken so long; I've been struggling to find anything important to say. The only thing I can point out is that I found this to start off a little stuttered. But I don't mind greatly as it then gains more than enough momentum for my tastes soon after the first few lines. That said, the opening sentence seemed disjointed compared to it's followers. Maybe that has something to do with it?

This was an enjoyable read, but didn't really hit until it reached the end. There is some gold in here, though; real gold.
#12
yeah, this was inspired by how it is always looked upon as bad when somebody attempts to leave this reality while still being alive. the scary thing is that there are people who actually WANT to stay in this reality 24/7.
#14
I ****ing new it! This is the first time I've ever been proved right. It feels nice.

Congratulations.
#15
Congrats. The ending nailed it.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#17
congratulations...i had a feeling this was going to win it.
well deserved.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#18
wow, i don't think i have ever won one of these....

*starts preparing speech*
#19
I'm surprised you've never been noticed in that way before. Being quite honest, I've always loved your stuff, big time. You're really underated here on UG.

Man, that tasted nasty.
#20
that was beautiful carp, a great first piece to read on UG in a while.
i hope that all has been well with you