#1
just like every other night.

"it's a reflex," as she
stitches her sins onto
my nightly reproach;
i wasn't ready.

but
she's a satellite, dropping
lunar rain as i stare,
plopping on my forehead;
bustling smaller fragments
of an unfamiliar purity into
my eyes and soul.

oh mysterious, beautiful force;
i'm too busy to understand you.
overwhelm me though, and
indeed a prisoner's hardship
will be my pleasure.
over my shoulder i see
the visible gravity
sneaking, quiet intruder
pulls me into captivity;
unwillingly,
i smile years of unapproachable
joy and delight.

i withdraw quickly though;
forgive me, i'm just a man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
Quote by ottoavist
i withdraw quickly though;
forgive me, i'm just a man.


So true, so, so true. This was better, much, much better. YOu have this great ability to say so much in so little.
#3
Quote by ottoavist
just like every other night.

"it's a reflex," as she
stitches her sins onto
my nightly reproach;
These two lines were awesome! The intro in general was pretty damn good.
i wasn't ready.

but
not too sure whether this is good on its own - perhaps separate it completely from the stanza?
she's a satellite, dropping
lunar rain as i stare,
plopping on my forehead;
"plopping" made me cringe but the rest was great, no complaints.
bustling smaller fragments
of an unfamiliar purity into
my eyes and soul.

oh mysterious, beautiful force;
i'm too busy to understand you.
overwhelm me though, and
indeed a prisoner's hardship
will be my pleasure.
Hmm. This was good, but I think it was a little poorly phrased. It sounds like part of a prayer, or something, and generally not too... not too interesting. Consider rewording it.
over my shoulder i see
the visible gravity
sneaking, quiet intruder
pulls me into captivity;
unwillingly,
i smile years of unapproachable
joy and delight.
The rest was decent, other than "joy and delight". It was pretty bleak and boring; a bit like describing something as "nice", when there are so many other, much better words you can use.

i withdraw quickly though;
forgive me, i'm just a man.
Ending was awesome! There's not much else I can say, really. I enjoyed it, I genuinely did, but there were just those parts I've highlighted that just seemed a bit poor, uninteresting compared to the rest of it.


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1084902

#4
Quote by ottoavist
just like every other night.

"it's a reflex," as she
stitches her sins onto
my nightly reproach;
i wasn't ready.

but
she's a satellite, dropping
lunar rain as i stare,
plopping on my forehead;
bustling smaller fragments
of an unfamiliar purity into
my eyes and soul.

oh mysterious, beautiful force;
i'm too busy to understand you.
overwhelm me though, and
indeed a prisoner's hardship
will be my pleasure.
over my shoulder i see
the visible gravity
sneaking, quiet intruder
pulls me into captivity;
unwillingly,
i smile years of unapproachable
joy and delight.

i withdraw quickly though;
forgive me, i'm just a man.


Good stuff, of course. I feel like you're a little out-of-focus on this one, as well, but there's some absolute gob-smackery going on in here, so I don't mind. "Oh mysterious beautiful force, I'm too busy to understand you" is wonderful, wonderful. Grammatically, it takes a comma instead of a semi-colon, since you're not separating two independent clauses, but it's parseable, so who cares? I mean, you know. Besides me?

I'm also not sure I understand in what sense gravity is visible, except to the extent that gravity is being used here as a personification of Her. But I don't mind that so much, either.

What about this, though?

over my shoulder i see
the visible gravity
sneaking, quiet intruder
pulls me into captivity


I'm not sure I understand your grammatical structure, here. Is it "over my shoulder, I see {that} the visible gravity (sneaking, quiet intruder) pulls me into captivity?" If so, that's lovely, but it's very difficult for me to parse that sentence as written... If you're using the "pulls" form of the verb, the word "that" is required in order to make "the visible gravity pulls me into captivity" work as a complex direct object to "over my shoulder, I see {whatever}" because in this case, the direct object is an independent clause.

The direct object could be made a dependent clause, however. I might alternately write something like "over my shoulder, I see your gravity (sneaking, quiet intruder) pull me into captivity," but that's probably less poetic. Anyway, the sentence structure has to be either the dependent clause form:

"over my shoulder, I see {it do something}"

or the independent clause form:

"over my shoulder, I see {that it does something}."

See what I'm saying? In fact, having said all this, I realize that all you really need to do to make it grammatical is drop the "s" from "pulls" I'm a word nerd, what can I say?

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Mar 11, 2009,
#5
Oh, another option occurred to me, as I thought about it later. You could also say "over my shoulder, I see the visible gravity, as the sneaking, quiet intruder pulls me into captivity," or something like that.

Done now.

peace
#6
This was incredible. I know that isn't much to say but I can't put it in to other words right now.
Again, I know I didn't say much, I'll return when I can order thoughts, but I have a link in my sig to one of the most personal feeling things I've ever written and I'd love your view.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
This was probably the most professional poem I've seen from you to date. Not to say that it is structured or bland, it was outstanding in tone and tactic. Beautiful writing.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
i didn't understand it until...

"i smile years of unapproachable
joy and delight.

i withdraw quickly though;
forgive me, i'm just a man"

that sort of glued it all together. great lines, and very true.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#9
thank you guys very much for getting to this.

There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
i like your overall approach. i'd consider restructuring your line breaks, as it made this feel disjointed (not linguistically, just aesthetically). "plopping" isn't the most poetic of words. unapproachable at the end of S2 holds up the flow a bit. the rest of this is very well done, specifically the ending. very nice.

--jay
#12
i think i read that 3rd stanza like 20 times.

but wow. it's all great. how the hell do you do it? I average about one decent line per every piece i write. maybe i should eat more acid...

and it's amazing how the same subject can be expressed as beautifully as you write about here it and "hey you're a crazy bitch but you f*ck so good i'm on top of it".

too bad the latter is the stuff that sells these days.

(check out the new one, if you're up for it)