#1
Well, here we go. It's finally done. For those who read "on biology", this is basically it, except i fixed up quite a few things that were really bugging me. So yeah, I think I'm finally happy with it. c4c doggies.

Parental Advisory

“You know what I think?”
“What’s that, honey?”
“We should have kids.”
“Ahh, kids?”
“Yes, kids, Kyle. You know, offspring, children...”
“But you always said...”
“Yes, well I’ve changed my mind. I want kids.
I want your kids.”
“But what about...?”
"So what if it has something wrong with it? Would we love it less?"
"Aren't you forgetting something? You’re a CP carrier and I'm aspergic. Yeah, kids gonna turn out great."
Fuck, you idiot...
“Don’t give me that tone, Kyle.
If we love it...”
“It’ll still be teased, picked on, fucked over. Even If by some miracle it doesn’t get CP, there’s a chance it could be aspergic, or even autistic? Could we handle that, honey?”
“Could you, honey?”
Shit. Sometimes I can’t even handle myself.
“I honestly don’t know,” I say, and just like that
the room seems so much thicker.
“So what’s stopping us trying?”

Yes, what? Perhaps the thought of
having to care about two people
other than myself, of having to share
love, an emotion I’ve only just started
to come to grips with. Perhaps it’s the thought
of losing you, losing us, the thought of some
outsider
tearing us apart at the seams. And what if it died?
And what if one day I find myself
standing above its cot with
a half empty bottle of scotch in my hand and
last night’s screams still echoing in my mind.

“I just can’t take it anymore, Kyle!
all day long I’m here with our child
while you’re out God knows where.
I don’t know who you are,
fuck, I don’t even know who I am!”

And still, the child screams,
it fucking screams and
screams
and
I just
can’t...

“What’s stopping us trying?
Me.”
#3
Well, here we go. It's finally done. For those who read "on biology", this is basically it, except i fixed up quite a few things that were really bugging me. So yeah, I think I'm finally happy with it. c4c doggies.

Parental Advisory

“You know what I think?”
“What’s that, honey?”
“We should have kids.”
“Ahh, kids?” Maybe "uh"? I don't know.
“Yes, kids, Kyle. You know, offspring, children...” I thought the second sentence was unnecessary. Makes the speaker sound sarcastic and not very likeable
“But you always said...”
“Yes, well I’ve changed my mind. I want kids.
I want your kids.”
Maybe something more than she's "changed her mind"? Seems a little unnatural just to have that.
“But what about...?”
"So what if it has something wrong with it? Would we love it less?"
I like these two lines. Inner tension
"Aren't you forgetting something? You’re a CP carrier and I'm aspergic. Yeah, kids gonna turn out great."
Fuck, you idiot...
The italics work surprisingly well. I don't know what either of those diseases are though. Doesn't matter much.
“Don’t give me that tone, Kyle.
If we love it...”
alright, the tone of this character is developing somewhat more. Am I supposed to dislike her? Because I do.
“It’ll still be teased, picked on, fucked over. Even If by some miracle it doesn’t get CP, there’s a chance it could be aspergic, or even autistic? Could we handle that, honey?”
Could you, honey?” I'm not sure here. I think the protagonist is still talking, but the extra bolded quotation mark confuses me
Shit. Sometimes I can’t even handle myself.
This is good. Again, a good use of the inner monologue.
“I honestly don’t know,” I say, and just like that
the room seems so much thicker.
“So what’s stopping us trying?”
I've mixed feelings for this transition. I feel like you ended well but starting with the question was... meh w/e
Yes, what? Perhaps the thought of
having to care about two people
other than myself, of having to share
love, an emotion I’ve only just started
to come to grips with. Perhaps it’s the thought
of losing you, losing us, the thought of some
outsider
haha i like it.
tearing us apart at the seams. And what if it died? Maybe a less cliche expression than "tearing apart at the seams".
And what if one day I find myself
standing above its cot with
a half empty bottle of scotch in my hand and
last night’s screams still echoing in my mind.

“I just can’t take it anymore, Kyle!
all day long I’m here with our child
while you’re out God knows where.
I don’t know who you are,
fuck, I don’t even know who I am!”

And still, the child screams,
it fucking screams and
screams
and
I just
can’t...

“What’s stopping us trying?
Me.”

That last part was truly chilling. This is a great piece of work for you, Kyle. Minor technical difficulties involved with a dialogue-centered piece, but they can be fixed. If what I know about you is right, then this proves the axiom "write what you know".
Excellent.
And most importantly, bump
#4
Fuck it Kyle, that's emotion.

The only thing in terms of poetic etc. is that the pauses really don't feel long enough. Perhaps an extra line or something between each line of text at the beginning and end wouldn't be too annoying. You can think of something to prelong them. Oh, and I'd put another 'I' about the 'I' in the last part, your choice of line and punctuation.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
I dunno, this still reads like a writing excersize almost. For some reason it still doesnt feel like any sort of situation that is real to you. Reads almost like a daydream, a scene where the stakes are high but it is of no consequence because you can easily snap out of it and everyone, audience included, knows you can just snap out of it and come back to your carefree life.

Basically, I think this needs to be shortened, pared down, the context increased through imagery of place, and for you (the author/narrator) to take a more subjective stance in the narrative as oppose to the "he said" "she said" objective stance this currently possesses.

also,
****. Sometimes I can’t even handle myself.
that was a great line because it was fast and true. This is what the piece is about, you versus yourself and inevitable responsibility (or something like that), this piece is not about the baby but how you two will cope with it. I want to know more about you two through your eyes. In this piece I know jack **** about either character really, they mostly just represent cliche gender-driven paradigms.

dunno. I still think this could go through hundreds of more revisions and still get better each time. Its fine and solid now but if it is really something you really want to hit home, particularly if you are showing your significant other, I suggest you keep working on it.

my main man Ky.
#8
overall, i was just reading this through before initial crit and was hit bluntly and shockingly by the rush of emotion towards the end. you have the ability to write incredibly powerful stuff as evidenced by that; i wish you'd use that more often.

while carefully reading, i noticed that the frequent use of dialogue plunged the thing into a crazily realistic thing; it was a powerful insight into the narrator's mind and feelings. just one word of caution - don't use this when writing anything even slightly impersonal as you can't inject the same sort of feeling. in this piece, however, it functioned as a very effective poetic device and left me with no complaints.

if i really had to pick something bad, i'd say that at the end the characters were too personal; i fell into the trap that i was obviously set up for, but since the ending is carried out with such a final display of emotion i had no real problems.

some of the dialogue got a bit too much at times, but again, it's more of an insight into the narrator's head than anything. just tune up the buildup a bit and concentrate on the ending even more and you will be the next Laureate, i swear to god.

if you'd like to return something, here's some recent stuff. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19033820

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