#1
About a break up...


Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7-EPdEDlNo&feature

Feeding the fire, to keep it a flame
Burning desire, to make my claim

Registrations and cancellations
Adaptations, don’t leave your stations

Break the wall, brick by brick
Won’t let you fall, do not panic

Got an issue, with your curfew
It needs a review, if not I’ll make do

Losing control, I want to fly away
Taking its toll, but I am here to stay

Comforting harshness, leaves me jealous and heartless
But really I’m harmless, my charm I must harness

You were my angel, you made my spirits soar
You made me smile, I couldn’t ask for more

Dirty temptation, leads to humiliation
Not worth the sensation, it makes complications

So stoke the fire and make it burn bright
Losing my passion and it won’t last through the night
Took a gamble, but your not worth the fight
Fold my cards, its over we’re done I’m through
Bit off a little bit more then I could chew
Can’t complain, there is nothing I could do
Quote by Survivalism
Someone, somewhere, was raped today. Someone else was murdered.

Are we sill playing this "worst day ever" game?
Last edited by Dox at Mar 12, 2009,
#3
I'm sorry buddy, I was ignorant to the rule - would a mod kindly help me out and take c4c out of the name? I really don't want this to get closed cause I would appreciate feedback..
Quote by Survivalism
Someone, somewhere, was raped today. Someone else was murdered.

Are we sill playing this "worst day ever" game?
#5
Are you planning to leave the guitar part like it is on the video? Because I think the vocal line is great and it's a good chord progression but the strums sound a little generic, if you would do something more special with it then I think this could be a great song, even if the subject is a little cheesy
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#6
Right on - Thanks for the feedback.
Do you think I should do a finger pick pattern or just change up the strumming?
Quote by Survivalism
Someone, somewhere, was raped today. Someone else was murdered.

Are we sill playing this "worst day ever" game?
#7
Got an issue, with your curfew
It needs a review, if not I’ll make do


I didn't like that line. "it needs a review"


Comforting harshness, leaves me jealous and heartless
But really I’m harmless, my charm I must harness


I like that.


Everything else was good. I didn't see too many problems, I like it.

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#8
haha brandon

"Got an issue, with your curfew
It needs a review, if not I’ll make do"

I really want to leave it in because its personal... We would be hooking up/having sex and than she would have to get up and leave to go home when I wasn't done!!!!!!!! So I figured I had to put it in the song.
Quote by Survivalism
Someone, somewhere, was raped today. Someone else was murdered.

Are we sill playing this "worst day ever" game?
#9
lots of rhymes, that's not a bad thing always. I enjoyed it a bit.
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#10
I really liked this piece, breakups are a pretty generic thing to write about but you did a really good job, if you dont mind criting my newest piece Realm of Forever I would appericate it
#12
You've got a good voice, and an interesting ear for melody. I get that the lyrics are personal, but you could use work fitting the rhythm of the words to the meter of the poem - the fancy lyricist word for that is "scansion."

Finally, I also think you'd benefit from mixing the strumming pattern up some. I like the strumming pattern you hit "don't leave your stations" and "if not, I'll make do," so you've got the right idea. Another possible more interesting pattern is to down-strum on the one beat, then up on the and of two and the and of three, so you get a kind of Dum (ba) chak-chak Dum (ba) chak-chak kind of thing going on. The (ba) is an implied beat left in the space between the Dum and the chak. Some folks call that space "the funk." Other people call it syncopation, but what do they know?

Oh, and a few things I noticed while noodling around on my guitar while listening to you play:

1) you speed up considerably on your recording early on in the song, then you stay at the new tempo, which is fine-ish, but weird.
2) the key you're playing in is technically E minor, not E major, so try playing Em D G C instead.

Another thing I would suggest, in terms of songwriting is mixing up your chords a bit. The same four over and over in the same order is repetitive and repetitive. You have a couple vocal figures in your two-stanza units that I break down mentally like this:

VERSE: Feeding the fire, to keep it a flame
Burning desire, to make my claim

CHORUS: Registrations and cancellations
Adaptations, don’t leave your stations

VERSE: Break the wall, brick by brick
Won’t let you fall, do not panic

CHORUS: Got an issue, with your curfew
It needs a review, if not I’ll make do


I'm just hearing the vocal lines, so I'm just using these terms so that we're talking about the same ideas - you don't actually have verses or choruses in this; they might be useful. At any rate, what you're singing as the VERSE would also work over a G D C Em pattern. Since G major is the relative major for E minor, switching it up like that makes it seem like the song's more interesting, when in fact you're playing the same four chords, just in a different order

Anyway, throwing the major progression on the verse and the minor progression on the chorus might work well for you - or the other way around...

At any rate, hope that helps.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Mar 16, 2009,