#1
Ho! This way Phoebus comes!


where the New York suburbs meet the Hudson
he’s watching on a mound of mud at low tide;
the water run red.
his finger burns hot passion,
his blood hurries past the horizon.


where the Cascades meet the Willamette
she is cutting her hair in the Gorge,
letting her hand limp, forcing it open-
the strands fly like wishes
east, the wind blows fast.


somewhere in Iowa
his blood soaks in her hair,
a miracle still, born in their night
floats naked in the reeds,

shivers to death in luscious green weeds,
and

the world is quiet
except for the stars.
their murmur burns hot


"no.
this is not the way it was supposed to be"
Last edited by #1 synth at Mar 12, 2009,
#2
I liked the first two stanzas, barring the "williamette", I have no idea what that is or what it alludes to. I don't like the word "excitedly" near the ending. It doesn't seem right that someone would be excited to say "this is not the way its supposed to be".
EDIT: I say that, because "excited" has a positive sound to it.

I can't really say much, unfortunately. I've always had a tough time reading you and getting the same vibe as you, so I'm trying to do that now. But if this is about what I think it's about, I like it.

No need to return. I can't say I've helped much.

DOUBLEEDIT: "Computers broken" my ass, you've been on here a ton
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Mar 12, 2009,
#3
wow. probably one of the best things i've read from you, just in terms of the images you used and the scope of the story. i loved it. you've developed so much as a writer, it's amazing.

a miracle still, born in their night
floating naked in reeds

shivers to death in luscious green weeds,
and

the world is quiet
except for the stars
murmuring excitedly


"no.
this is not the way it was supposed to be"

everything from the sudden rhyme to the line breaks makes this beautiful.

awesome, awesome job.

--jay
#4
Quote by #1 synth
Ho! This way Phoebus comes!


where the new york suburbs meet the hudson
he’s watching on a mound of mud at low tide,
the water run red.
No complaints with the intro, other than that I'd replace the comma at the end of the second line with a semicolon; and that's just me being very pedantic.

his finger burns hot,
while blood hurries past the horizon
the sun slowly descends.
I didn't like the use of the word 'descends', it seems a bit too 'formal', or 'proper', I can't really explain what I mean. But yeah, I'd consider replacing it.


where the cascades meet the willamette
No idea what a willamette is, but I liked the line.
she is cutting her hair in the gorge,
letting her hand limp, forcing it open-
the strands fly like wishes
east, the wind blows fast.
The rest was pretty damn good, but I'd restructure the last line, so that 'east' isn't first.


somewhere in Iowa
his blood soaks in her hair,
a miracle still, born in their night
floating naked in reeds,
This was awesome, no complaits (except for one tiny little suggestio that perhaps you could add a 'the' before 'reeds'?)

shivers to death in luscious green weeds,
and
This was flawless

the world is quiet
except for the stars murmuring
excitedly
The first two lines were amazing, probably my favourite, actually. But like someone ahs already pointed out, I don't think the word 'excitedly' quite fits here.


"no.
this is not the way it was supposed to be"
Good ending, no complaints. Overall I liked this, although I'm not too sure what it is about. But yeah, my main problems were with phrasing and structure i a few places, but that's me being very picky.


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1084902

#5
took some of y'alls suggestions, don't know if I like it better or not. the things I didnt change were all done on purpose to create meaning.

thank you all

and yeah, I've been online all week because I've been in the computer lab all week working on a large amount of essays. College is difficult. Wouldn't have it any other way. Now it's almost time ffffffor me to pppppplay. I've been sitting here for seven hours writing about brain cancer i'm slowly driving myself iiiiiinsane. thanks again!

edit: and learn some geography children, the Willamette's a friggin river.
Last edited by #1 synth at Mar 12, 2009,
#6
I loved the last 4... the first two... meh. They just seemed like they came out of a throat with a catch in it. They were unsure of themselves. You didn't say things as forcefully as you should have IMO. You needed those to be solid to make the rest work; and they were shaky. The connection you drew was good though.
#10
I'd also like to add, sort of off topic:

I've really started to enjoy this new groove you've gotten into; this writing toward an actual point instead of writing this uppity and pretentious over the top imagery bull**** you spent all last fall writing. I feel like this is really letting Dylan come through, and I can really see a part of your psyche in all this (it scares the hell out of me). You've whittled down the imagery to sharp and concise points, letting it contact with reality at all the right times and have started to use your poetic knife to slice through the chicken nugget that is your life.

I dunno, you've also started showing a lot more helpfulness and genuinely decent advice in your crits to some n00bs too. You might turn out to be a half way decent person yet.

etc...

EDIT: Really want your opinion on the one linked in "broken" in my sig.
#12
I'm actually not too krazy about this one,
just reading it, some of the wording felt a bit awkward, and I myself just couldn't really connect to this
I guess "awkward" would be the only way to put how this really felt
#13
and learn some geography children, the Willamette's a friggin river

I live in Wisconsin, I don't know much of Oregon's geography. Nor do you know a great deal of Wisconsin's. and then there's this Iowa thing I had to google... XD

I enjoyed this one.

One question though, is cascades only capitalized for emphasis or is there something else?
Promises meant a lot back then.