#1
decided to post. song lyrics. c4c.
(try to pretend the line breaks are not so awkward, it works in the song.)


Asterisk.

And she asked, "Can't you see it?"
"That beautiful face in the sky, made of stars and satellites?"
Can't seem to catch this contagion
I wish that I could share view, but it divides us by two

I stare into the fluorescent
Reflecting back every blemish
Even if I changed my lens
It wouldn't help me play pretend

Oblivious to the other shades
She thought I was brighter, than this simple somber
Tore out a blank leaf,
And folded it into a ship, departing now from all of this

The constellation should have,
Faded years ago, what happened to "I don't know"?
Lying with her
I kept looking around, searching for a common ground.
#5
Quote by DanteR*

And she asked, "Can't you see it?" starting with "and" is bold, but a bit clumsy
"That beautiful face in the sky, made of stars and satellites?"
Can't seem to catch this contagion
I wish that I could share view, but it divides us by two rhyme is nice

I stare into the fluorescent the fluorescent what?
Reflecting back every blemish
Even if I changed my lens
It wouldn't help me play pretend slightly confusing, good imagery but tighten up the actual meaning here

Oblivious to the other shades
She thought I was brighter, than this simple somber simple somber what? xd.
Tore out a blank leaf,
And folded it into a ship, departing now from all of this

The constellation should have,
Faded years ago, what happened to "I don't know"? excellent, letting the piece speak through itself a bit more
Lying with her
I kept looking around, searching for a common ground. again, great internal rhyme, finishes it off very nicely


overall, you used excellent imagery and the analogy of the starry sky carried throughout the piece was stunning when read in the right frame of mind. you have some problems with making a direct point, but i'm being a massive hypocrite by saying this, so i'll shut up.

anyway, once you realize it's a song, it makes a helluva lot more sense anyway.

good stuff, i'd like to read more in the future. if you'd like to return the favor here's some stuff: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19033820

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#6


some bits sounded icky, like "departing now from all of this", forced like rape.

The rest was dantedantedante.
#7
Quote by DanteR*
decided to post. song lyrics. c4c.
(try to pretend the line breaks are not so awkward, it works in the song.)


Asterisk.

And she asked, "Can't you see it?"
"That beautiful face in the sky, made of stars and satellites?"
The rhyming in this second line is quite simple, and yet I really loved it - good start!
Can't seem to catch this contagion
I wish that I could share view, but it divides us by two
I can't help but think that this line, on the other hand, sounded pretty damn forced. Then again, perhaps it actually fits nicely in the song.

I stare into the fluorescent
Reflecting back every blemish
Even if I changed my lens
It wouldn't help me play pretend
I didn't really connect with the first two lines, they were a bit too wordy and didn't really get across what they were trying to say as well as they could have. I really liked the second two, though.

Oblivious to the other shades
She thought I was brighter, than this simple somber
I loved the first line and the first half of the second, very nice and very clever. I wasn't too fond of "than this simple somber" though, I'd chage the wording.
Tore out a blank leaf,
And folded it into a ship, departing now from all of this
No complaints with these lines.

The constellation should have,
Faded years ago, what happened to "I don't know"?
Lying with her
I kept looking around, searching for a common ground.
I don't think I have any problems with this stanza, it was simple but effective. I've only commented on the wording and the content, as you've stated yourself that the structure fits the song, so I've taken you're word for it . Overall, this was pretty good man, but there were just some parts that were simply too clever or too wordy for an otherwise simple (but nonetheless great!) song.


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1084902

#8
I've seen you're name in the online users but was wondering if you would post. I remember you from a few years ago when I didn't post really and just read stuff


I got a strong feeling from this if that says anything. I mean to say it was pretty effective as a whole. Good stuff.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me