#1
I am having a hard time with the last stanza, most likely going to change, but I need opinions on that part itself for now.


          I knew this one girl 
     from the dawn of her life.
       she was white as a sail,
            stretched wide and 
               dressed in wind, 
           elegance, a slither.
  But just one dance, and then
  in the noon of her existence, 
      her body started to ache. 
     she approached in a glide
 and folded herself down on me.
        we drifted for a while
           before parting ways
    and she was never the same.

                   today I see     à travers espace et temps,
           couple after couple,    fondants comme des caramels,
friends and friends of friends,    des visages descendants 
    making love in barbed wire     se meuvent dans l’ennui. 
    and it makes me wonder why     Je vois dans les tunnels que
       I'm vulnerable as a man,    comme tous ceux avant moi, 
       longing only to curl up,    je perds mon lys en aval, que
        at least one more time,    je me cumule et m’amoncelle 
   in the warmth of her thighs,    dans la mer de ses bras,
  no matter how high the price.    [B]Ce bassin éternel… [/B]

                                   dans lequel s’écoule encore
                                   les paroles fanées
                                   d’une défaite éternelle, 
                                   d’un vieux vin bouchonné.
                                   depuis le début des temps
                                   je t’ai connu, jeune fille
                                   blanche comme une voile
                                   et pure comme le vent.
                                   sache qu'à travers les âges  
                                   et malgré la distance, 
                                   je t’écrirai mes états d’âme
                                   et t’aimerai toujours
                                   autant.
                                   
Last edited by circular.parade at Mar 13, 2009,
#2
This.

thisthisthisthis.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
Genius. Absolutely amazing.

I didn't see anything I didn't like about the last stanza. Only thing maybe is "no matter how high the price" could probably be worded a little better.

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#4
Brillant.

But don't know, "d’un vieux vin bouchonné.". Didn't feel that line. Three line below it I would change to "blanche comme la neige" but that might sound a bit cliché ?
#5
Your French poems are usually simple enough for me to understand, but I'm struggling with this. I'll be back.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Well, as you know, my french sucks and my translator is MIA due to work, so for now I'll just comment on the English and say it was truely gorgeous. I felt the first stanza stumbled a bit at "a slither", but that's being rather nitpicky. The second stanza was heart warming
#7
^

Don't use a translator.

If you don't know, then you don't know. Translators cannot translate emotions and poetry.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
Oh no, human translator, not a dodgy internet one. And I just want someone to translate it not for critting sake, but just so I can take in the whole piece, not just the two stanzas in English. I understand it wouldn't be as good as reading it myself, but at least it'd give me an idea. Alternatively I could save this, come back in 5 or 10 years when I've finished learning French and re-read it, i guess.
#10
I read the whole of this again when I had time to concentrate, and dammit. Your images are usually spectacular, this is just beautiful.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
I agree with Kyle. The first two are awesome... but I don't French and it makes it all feel lacking. If by some chance Mat would like to pass out a rough and quick translation via PM just so I could draw some closure, I'd appreciate it.


I'm afraid that's just not possible.

Thanks for the kind words, people. Uver ; thanks for the suggestions bro. "blanche comme neige" wouldn't really fit the mood or themes of the poem imo, so I might just leave it all. I understand your comment about the wine line. I want it to be there for the serie's sake though. I think I'll try and back it up somewhere else in the piece.

thanks again to everyone for actually trying to get to this. It's appreciated.
#12
ah, great piece. I was really drwn into it from line one, but when I saw an unfamiliar language it was like getting the wind knocked out of me, I was kind of hoping it was the same 2 stanzas written again but I see from other posts it is not. Would of appreciated an all english version, but what are you gonna do? Nice work.
Outside the side box that's outside your sky box.
#13
Admittedly, I haven't read any of the series which previous posts say this is part of. Although I really liked the first stanza, I found the others lacking similar poetic value. The image of the girl, the sail, the sunset, all worked so beautifully and was then dropped in the second stanza for certain cliche lamentations of a lover lost and lust overpowering logic. Then in the French section it's like you expected people not to understand, because you just set those overused devoid of meaning lines loose in them. Not to say that every poem about love is moot, but phrases like 'across space and time', 'eternal defeat', 'since the start of time I've known the girl' and ending with 'love her forever'. Unless my French is rusty, please forgive me. I do enjoy the recurred imagery with the girl and the sail in the last stanza, especially with the language change. But it also makes the line 'since the start of time' stand out thematically. It should at least be 'depuis l'aube des temps' to keep up that image no?