#1
Golden baby angel with the beat-up shoes
and a bad case of "Momma doesn't love me blues"
sold her car and her name to the Village News,
started searching far and wide for the Golden Truth oh oh

Golden baby rolled into a SoHo dive
Had a pitcher of Forgiveness and a sidecar smile
Found a boy with a song that made her weak in the knees,
she got on, got down with that social disease oh oh

Mama thought I told you Golden Baby's gone
She got scabs on her knees and her stockings are torn
Oh but Mama-- Baby told me that she'll be just fine
Long as Baby keeps takin her pills on time, oh oh

Next mornin they found her lyin on a Bed-Stuy floor
with his love on her face and her fingers on the door
Baby, Mama told you don't become a whore
But Mama, now Baby ain't whoring no more, oh no..

Mama thought I told you Golden Baby's gone
Mama's Golden Baby played her one swan song
Ma you know I told you Baby up and died
Mama's Golden Baby never had her mother's eyes...
#4
I like pieces like this. Not really my scene. I'd look dumb trying to write something like this.

The rhyming scheme was pretty fluid. The theme itself was original, which outweighed the weaker rhymes like 'floor' and 'door'. Haha. But hey what do I know?

The repetition of the line -- "Mama thought I told you Golden Baby's gone" -- brings the piece around to a very nice end.

I felt fulfilled, at least.

c4c?
No data.
#5
Don't worry about S+Lers getting back to you, they will all eventually. It normally takes a day or two though.

This is the kind of piece that reading it makes me really, really want to hear it. Which is basically all I look for when i'm critting lyrics. Others will come and tear strips about flow and all that, but in my book, if reading makes me want to hear it, it's good.
#6
^^ S+Lers just used to be way more on the ball, at least the regs.... w/e.

yeah it's been my experience that the biggest difference between poetry and songs is the rhymes. you can't always have complex rhyme and meter schemes for songs...not that you have to dumb it down, but you have to try to strip down the verbosity.

i'll return the crits tomorrow, thanks to both of you!

--jay
#7
in a very peculiar way - this, almost, reminds me of something Kerouac would've jotted down in his Book of Blues, minus his abstract line breaks. i also think it's cool how you sort-of isolated the significance of "Baby" and a few other select words such as "Forgiveness" (don't know if it was meant in a divine sort of way, or a significantly meaningful human decision) by capitalizing the nomenclature each time - it was clever.

the only thing i found wrong was:
Quote by Phoebus
Stuy
should be a "d" between "u" and "y."

this was a bittersweet, simple yet complex, observation of reality - whether created for music, or the reader's imagination. the rhymes are also killer, didn't find an iota of cliche.
wonderful job on this, it was equally as wonderful to read; and btw, thank you very much for getting around to my pieces here lately.
- Kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
I dig it. And yeah, hearing it would be great. The rhythm is spot on.

This is very Jack White-esque to me. I'd love to hear him do this song with that bluesy voice and some badass guitar riffs...

Check out "play along", por favor...
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Mar 15, 2009,
#9
Quote by ottoavist

the only thing i found wrong was: should be a "d" between "u" and "y."


I meant Bed-Stuy, shorthand for bedford-stuyvesant, a neighborhood in Brooklyn

but thanks for the crit!

--jay
#10
This is the song Iggy Pop left off Lust for Life, or that's how it felt to me.

As poetry, some of the scansion didn't work for me, but like some others have already said, I'd like to hear a recording. And you're quite right, I think, about some of the differences between lyric and poetic.

peace