#1
this is a song i'm writing. it's about my past (however short it may be) and how most things around me remind me of the parts i'm not particularly proud of.

verse

I face the sun
With weary eyes
And nothing left to be gained

I face the sun
With my back
To the shades of my past

I face the sun
And come out fighting
With everything i have, i escape my fate again



chorus

Cut it close
Oh, so close
A tragedy
Barely escaped with my life

What am i?
Where am i going?
Is this life
Everything i want it to be?



verse

I fight the sun
Which tries so hard
To light up the dark of my mind

I fight the sun
Which only wants me
To relive my antagonists

I fight the sun
To continue existence
Again i will fight it to better my time
(chorus)
#2
Hmm...very abstract.
In the second verse you might consider changing "light up the dark" to "light the darkness".
What does "relive my antagonists" mean?

I like the overall positive message. And the use of the sun as something you must overcome to reach happiness or whatever it is you're aiming for is pretty interesting.

I think this piece has a lot of potential but it needs some refining, and the ideas are somewhat vague.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#3
Quote by El Peppers
this is a song i'm writing. it's about my past (however short it may be) and how most things around me remind me of the parts i'm not particularly proud of.

verse

I face the sun
With weary eyes
And nothing left to be gained

I face the sun
With my back
To the shades of my past

I face the sun
And come out fighting
With everything i have, i escape my fate again



I'm not really sure if this is doing anything for me. Did you have an idea in mind? Or is it like a feeling? It seems like you have came out of some kind of struggle (internal or external) and prevailed.


chorus

Cut it close
Oh, so close
A tragedy
Barely escaped with my life

What am i?
Where am i going?
Is this life
Everything i want it to be?



This is like the same idea as the 'verse' but a little weaker, actually.


verse

I fight the sun
Which tries so hard
To light up the dark of my mind

I fight the sun
Which only wants me
To relive my antagonists

I fight the sun
To continue existence
Again i will fight it to better my time



I think you ended it on a proper note. I don't like "to relive my antagonists" or "to continue existence", those could probably be worded a little better.


(chorus)



Its not bad. Good job. c4c?
No data.
#4
I thought the chorus was the weakest part after i wrote it... but i couldn't think of anything better. The idea came from an internal struggle i dealt with for about a year, during which i became a horrible, pessimistic, angry person and at times something will remind me of that. I eventually overcame that struggle once i found out who i could trust and rely on when i needed them.
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. - Friedrich Nietzsche