#1
ots. different.


Desperation poetic.

fingernails grating
against
teeth unbrushed
screeching like
chalkboards
under the pressure
of the grinding
sawmills.
grey matter sundaes
icicle pudding
beatless pulse, blood
pressure rocketeer
longing for home
watching from moon
out of body, out of mind

she walked away...

sailboat highspeed crash
into limelight failures
into
into
splitting eyelashes,
erupting pupils
dilating fingertips pressed
cold
against driveway-side window
lips
hers
lips
his
touch, bounce, live, breathe, smile

bitch

she walked away...
and i just held onto dying trees
waiting for the wind to away me.
#5
Zach, if i'm being presumptuos, ignore the part in italics

thank you, so much. This tore at me when I needed something to tear at me, and made sense of my feelings where sense needed to be made.

being non-presumptuos: My God, Zach feels emotion. WHo are you, and where'd you put that other guy?
#7
Well, back to the subject of the title: if you chose the word "breaked," and I believe you that you did, the sensation I get from the title juxtaposed with the poem is one of out-of-control speed - that you're playing with "break-neck" as much as you're talking about broken necks (or hearts, or whatever). My sense is that you're playing with "sway/away" in the last line, too, although my sense of what you're doing may easily be off-base.

At any rate, if so: crafty. Well done. A+ effort. Fine job, all that. If you'd like to comment on my rectitude or even something else, feel free once more to post in your own thread. I hereby grant you my pontifical permission to reply.

One thing I'd suggest is that you lose the italics on the italics bits, or that you signal that paradigm shift in some other way than italics, because it makes "away" look like a typo, at least to me. The letter a and the letter s are similar enough in this italic font that it's hard to read correctly, and since "the wind to sway me" makes as much or more sense as "the wind to away me," you probably don't want to encourage the confusion in your readers with a font that makes it hard to read.

peace
#8
I prefer everything else you've written. And you know I'm no massive fan (that's personal taste, I hope you understand).

This was a ramshackle of images and pretentious poetic technique. We all know this isn't really you and that's why pretty much this whole thing seemed forced. the boolding - why? The repetition - why? While you probably have good reason, reading this as someone who's read you for however long you've been here, no reason will satisfy me. Weak technique.

The whole first stanza has no rhythm, lacks anything that I could call concrete. How many adjectives and needless words did you need to put into this entire piece? You have one sentence which is a chain of comparisions - fingernails grating against teeth unbrushed screeching like chalkboards under the pressure of the grinding sawmills" it's just idea to idea, nothing really substantial, just links of images dispersed onto the page, written with a hit-and-hope attempt at creating some meaning. This is how it reads.

Every noun has a modifier. Eugh. Stuffy to look at, stuffy to read, a real brain drain. Revisit less is more. There's so much cuttable pap here.

I hardly post much nowadays, let alone critique with much enthusiasm, but you really can do better than this, and doing bette would be avoiding whatever "different" style this is. in fact, I'll use your own words of "desperation" poetic. This didn't feel personal, or crafted with skill, imo. This was an impression of some (bad) artsy poet writing for a thumbs up from his creative writing teacher.

I also did feel the title read ugly, but meh.

My two cents Do with them what you shall.

Have a good day Zach
#10
lol. The single personal piece I put on here isn't me enough. This is why I don't write about anything personal... it comes out rambled; my thoughts just free fall, running into the next and spiraling around the topic.

The two people who have given me the most flak for never writing personally tell me when I write personally, its not personal.

Awesome, lol.

Thanks guys, I do appreciate the time and thoughts... I just find it humorous as well.


EDIT: Nilchii, yes... those were all intended. Thanks sir.
#11
no, its not a matter of being personal, its just a matter of revision. this was ots, its not a poem so much as stream of conciousness (though i dont really know where the line is or if there is a line). if you revise this it could be great.

this
she walked away...
and i just held onto dying trees
waiting for the wind to away me.
could be a poem all on its own and i feel like it is actually weighed down by the rest of it for all the reasons jamie pointed out.

pare down the extraeneous and whatnot. describe using nouns and verbs.
#12
K you wrote personally, but you aimed the piece at yourself - there isn't a considerationf or the reader. They are two different things.

The form, structure, whatever, nothing is geared towards the reader understanding or learning or relating or ocnnecting with whatever is happening here. It's just a puff piece, to get something out of your system, whatever. It's the actual poetry that just is poor, in my opinion.

Sure, call it personal, what I'm sayin gis one) I have little idea what personal thing you are talking about, and you never made me care onc in the poem and two) the reading of the poem stank.

It was a ramble.

We all find it humourous
#14
I think this could of been improved drastically. By removing all the attributes that actually, ironically enough, help create "you", you could allow the reader more space and time to love you. Which may seem contradictory, but having little makes the reader feel big in his heart. If you just spew out endless lines of words with different techniques and passions as your underlining, subconscious bed, then that fine line that you would be walking is most likely going to be crossed. But if you kept it simple and corrected a lot of the material, and even took away some of the nonsense and just let the words speak more, then I could of felt "you", even more so.

Interesting work.