#1
Venomous, unscrupulous,
you know you never got along with us.
Inattentive to our slightest going on's,
seem like you never really knew us.

Why are you so paranoid,
nearly every day,
No one dared to question you,
always did what you wanted to do.
Guessing I have to move on,
that's protocol for heartbreak,
never, ever, question it.

Year's on,
we're still going on,
addicted to the drug of life,
Never to pay attention behind,
a shot of ecstasy to the mind.
Shunning one another,
in a pointless escapade,
why, oh why,
do you seem afraid.

Now you have that look in your eye,
Blind to the world's array of beauty,
Now what do you have to say?
When life is looking you in the eye.
judging, contemplating.
Letting you live, letting you die,
it makes no difference to my little life,
my indifference to the world never showed.
Why don't you,
die.

Constructive criticism/comments aprreciated


Quote by Spoonman69
Rap is music,far better than metal for example. id much rather hear about hoes and anal sex than dragons and supressed homosexuality.
Last edited by hugh20 at Mar 15, 2009,
#2
Quote by hugh20
Venomous, unscrupulous,
you know you never got along with us.
Inattentive to our slightest going on's,
seem(s?) like you never really knew us.

This part seems nice, but theres something about the verse where I just want a little more, the first verse should catch someones attention so that they stick around to read the rest, and it didn't really catch me.

Why are you so paranoid,
nearly every day,
No one dared to question you,
always did what you wanted to do.
Guessing I have to move on,
that's protocol for heartbreak,
never, ever, question it.

To me this verse seems jumpy. You go from being paranoid, to a ringleader, then heartbreak? I got lost in this verse; may just be how I'm reading the piece, I don't know....

Year's on,
we're still going on,
addicted to the drug of life,
Never to pay attention behind,
a shot of ecstasy to the mind.
Shunning one another,
in a pointless escapade,
why, oh why,
do you seem afraid.

The flow of this verse get's killed by "behind", again may just be how I'm reading, but without it the verse gets worse. I can't really think of a good word to replace it either. :/


Now you have that look in your eye,
Blind to the world's array of beauty,
Now what do you have to say?
When life is looking you in the eye.
judging, contemplating.
Letting you live, letting you die,
it makes no difference to my little life,
my indifference to the world never showed.
Why don't you,
die.

Out of the entire thing, this last verse is my favorite, but maybe find a synonym for die and replace once of the two "die"'s? when you say it the first time it's fine, but when you repeat it at the end so closely it sort of loses its meaning. I know repitition can be a good thing, and I like repitition, but it just doesn't work here for me.

Constructive criticism/comments aprreciated


As a personal thing, I never really liked the first word being in the title, and to me "Indifference to the world" just sounds like a better title.




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#3
thanks a lot, the 'seem' was an error.
I'll work on it


Quote by Spoonman69
Rap is music,far better than metal for example. id much rather hear about hoes and anal sex than dragons and supressed homosexuality.