#1
C4C


A promise was made as
we journeyed together,
trying to survive
the realm of forever

Twisted perception
of past events,
love grown cold
and you never forget

Im already forgotton
been cast aside,
a soiled rag
you try and hide

Our time together
ended in pain,
the games you play
I fight to keep sane

A promise was made as
we journeyed together,
trying to survive
the realm of forever

broken promises
and tear filled eyes,
all that remains
is the pain we hide
Last edited by therealtater at Mar 15, 2009,
#2
If you can add puncuation to help me read it (commas and periods do help me find the flow of a piece) I'll be able to give this better crit.

I'll give you a day to edit it, then I'll come back to it.




Please add me if as a friend I helped! (I like to think I'm a friendly person)
#4
Even then, puncuation would help.

Otherwise I'm assuming a comma at the end of every line until the last line of the stanza which is a period.

And I don't think you'll want me to do that for this piece.




Please add me if as a friend I helped! (I like to think I'm a friendly person)
#6
Quote by therealtater
C4C


A promise was made as
we journeyed together,
trying to survive
the realm of forever

Pretty good opening stanza, catches the attention - especially the last 2 lines.

Twisted perception
of past events,
love grown cold
and you never forget

The flow seems a little off on this (I'm blaming puncuation) but to me it reads better if you add a word to the last line.

"Twisted perfecption
of past events,
love grown cold
and you could never forget"


I'm already forgotten
been cast aside,
a soiled rag
you try and hide

Fixed typo. The rhyming seems really forced in this, and to me its a very bland stanza.

Our time together
ended in pain,
the games you played
I fight to keep sane

Again, the ryhming just feels forced in this. And you went from past tense (ended) to current (play) which to me, disrupts the balance of the stanza.

A promise was made as
we journeyed together,
trying to survive
the realm of forever

Already commented on this stanza the first time.

broken promises
and tear filled eyes,
all that remains
is the pain that we hide

Again, the flow seemed disrupted without the extra word in there. I normally feel "that" is a pretty pointless word, but without puncuation telling me how to read, without "that" the piece's flow is completely ruined.



Comments are all in red, same with most additions/fixes as an example.




Please add me if as a friend I helped! (I like to think I'm a friendly person)
#7
broken promises
and tear filled eyes,
all that remains
is the pain we hide

epic way to end it dude, i love it
#9
Quote by therealtater
C4C


A promise was made as
we journeyed together,
trying to survive
the realm of forever

Twisted perception
of past events,
love gone cold
and you never forget
I also like the idea of adding a word on the last line

I'm already forgotten
been cast aside,
a soiled rag
you try and hide
I would change hide to some like bury or cover. I just don't like the aside/hide rhyme


Our time together
ended in pain,
the games you play
I fight to keep sane
I would add "ed" like previously stated and change fight to fought. It just seems better with the past tense to me.
A promise was made as
we journeyed together,
trying to survive
the realm of forever

broken promises
and tear filled eyes,
all that remains
is the pain we hide


I really liked this, I had an idea of what it is talking about. It's also something that people could relate to. O and if they flow works in verse 2 with a song then maybe keep it the way it is.
#10
Our time together
ended in pain,
the games you play
I fight to keep sane

I would add "ed" like previously stated and change fight to fought. It just seems better with the past tense to me.


well the reason it changed tense like that is because me and my ex broke up she played mind games and it felt like she was clawing at my sanity so thats why I changed tense but I cant tell everyone that listens/reads it that so Im probably going to change it
#11
Quote by therealtater
well the reason it changed tense like that is because me and my ex broke up she played mind games and it felt like she was clawing at my sanity so thats why I changed tense but I cant tell everyone that listens/reads it that so Im probably going to change it


When you write, try to have it have meaning to others, not just you.

Your lyrics shouldn't be like a Punk Rock song where everything is "I, You, I, You" where the listener can't really relate...

Keeping things in tense, more like telling a story of someone else. Rather then saying "you never cared" "she never cared" simply relates more.


I'm a guy and I wrote a song from a girl's perspective to make it have more impact on people. /that was a HUGE challenge for me...




Please add me if as a friend I helped! (I like to think I'm a friendly person)
#12
Quote by Invokke_Havokk
When you write, try to have it have meaning to others, not just you.

Your lyrics shouldn't be like a Punk Rock song where everything is "I, You, I, You" where the listener can't really relate...

Keeping things in tense, more like telling a story of someone else. Rather then saying "you never cared" "she never cared" simply relates more.


I'm a guy and I wrote a song from a girl's perspective to make it have more impact on people. /that was a HUGE challenge for me...


thats true, but at the same time someone else is feeling the same way as I am and thats why I wrote it like that but I can see where your coming from