#1
If you critique mine, send me a link to yours and I'll critique it.

I'm a bit stuck on this one, can't find a good chorus line, can't make a good chorus line, and it sounds a bit unfinished. It is meant to be under 2 minutes, sort of an intro or 'breather' song from those around it which are 3-4 minutes.

May I mention out of my 30+ songs, I've only ever liked 1...


A group of people, glaring right at us.
With hate in their eyes, and weapons in their hands.
Why are we here? They don't understand.

They are shouting their commands.
This meaningless speech, what is it they demand?
A fellow soldier is down. The Captain orders us to fire.
Tears in our eyes, as the flames keep getting higher.

We are nothing but murderers, with a government seal.
In a foreign land, that feels so unreal.

Why are we here? We don't understand.
Why are we here? We don't understand.
We don't understand...




Please add me if as a friend I helped! (I like to think I'm a friendly person)
Last edited by Invokke_Havokk at Mar 15, 2009,
#2
Great rhyming in the verses (I think they're verses), but the chorus, which I assume is 'Why are we here' is quite repetitive, it might help to add some more interesting lines.

can you critique mine as well?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1087115


Quote by Spoonman69
Rap is music,far better than metal for example. id much rather hear about hoes and anal sex than dragons and supressed homosexuality.
#3
Quote by Invokke_Havokk
If you critique mine, send me a link to yours and I'll critique it.

I'm a bit stuck on this one, can't find a good chorus line, can't make a good chorus line, and it sounds a bit unfinished. It is meant to be under 2 minutes, sort of an intro or 'breather' song from those around it which are 3-4 minutes.

May I mention out of my 30+ songs, I've only ever liked 1...


A group of people, glaring right at us.
With hate in their eyes, and weapons in their hands.
Why are we here? They don't understand.

I really liked this a lot, the only thing is I felt it needed to be longer but thats just me

They are shouting their commands.
This meaningless speech, what is it they demand?
A fellow soldier is down. The Captain orders us to fire.
Tears in our eyes, as the flames keep getting higher.

I loved this, and didnt see any problems with it

We are nothing but murderers, with a government seal.
In a foreign land, that feels so unreal.

I loved this, great job

Why are we here? We don't understand.
Why are we here? We don't understand.
We don't understand...

I felt like this was too repeative, but thats just me



Overall this was an amazing song, the last verse was a little to repeative for me though, if you dont mind criting my newest piece realm of forever I would appericate it
#4
Quote by Invokke_Havokk
If you critique mine, send me a link to yours and I'll critique it.

I'm a bit stuck on this one, can't find a good chorus line, can't make a good chorus line, and it sounds a bit unfinished. It is meant to be under 2 minutes, sort of an intro or 'breather' song from those around it which are 3-4 minutes.

May I mention out of my 30+ songs, I've only ever liked 1...


A group of people, glaring right at us.
With hate in their eyes, and weapons in their hands.
Why are we here? They don't understand.
The content is good, but you just tell me what's going on. I want to read some nice metaphors, descriptions, want to have to figure out what's going on; instead you just tell me. It might just be a matter of personal preference, but hey, that's my opinion. Otherwise, the rhyming felt a bit forced, but it flowed nicely.

They are shouting their commands.
This meaningless speech, what is it they demand?
This was good.
A fellow soldier is down. The Captain orders us to fire.
Tears in our eyes, as the flames keep getting higher.
This was good as well, except for the rhyming. It felt waaaaaaaay to forced.

We are nothing but murderers, with a government seal.
In a foreign land, that feels so unreal.
First line was fantastic, I loved it! Second line was, I hate to say it again, poor and forced.

Why are we here? We don't understand.
Why are we here? We don't understand.
We don't understand...[
Ending was okay. You're main problem is with rhyming; it is really restricting you, and the quality of your piece is suffering as a result of it. It doesn't have to rhyme, and if you forgot the rhyming, I think this would be miles better. But the content was decent, I enjoyed it!


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1084902
#5
We are nothing but murderers, with a government seal.
In a foreign land, that feels so unreal.

Especially loved these two lines