#1
Sailing in blackness, constellations
of spies spread against veined streets,
vain sheets of well lit roads that almost
never end and buildings bending into shapes
well raped by schemes of men.
They all have names.

But little did I care, as I
thought them more beautiful
in anonymity. Mere outlines
of varied sizes in disguises not
of their own making,
distinguished only by
my self sufficient, thinking
mind.

From height, it all lacked motion;
dead beauty stacked with caution and I
began to name each one,
all living sparks, all clearly marked
as designated spaces,
somewhere places.

I hoped
somewhere along the sparkline,
was perhaps one
looking up,
thinking me
the shooting star
I am.
This is not a pipe
#2
wow

this might be my favorite thing by you that I've read, definitely one of my favorites on this site

stunning stunning stunning

hope london's treating you well.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
The first piece of yours I've felt. There was never any denying that you are a beautiful writer with an amazing talent for language and poetry, but the captured emotion in this was powerful.
#5
The imagery in this was exceptionally vivid and you had great word choice. There's always a special place in my heart for someone who sticks it to all those anti-rhymers out there. Your rhymes were incredible - well placed, well worded, and pleasing to the ear. Love the scheme too. Well done.
#10
Very nice. I wanted more syllables in the third stanza, for rhythmic purposes. Five syllables, in fact. Three after beauty and two after marked.

There is absolutely no reason on Earth, however, to cater to what I want when you've made something this lovely.

peace
#12
Planes.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
Okay, I edited the third stanza a bit to pace it better. I think it works well and enhances the meaning.

I'm not on a lot right now and I apologise for asking, but if you guys have pieces you want a return critique on, please message me and I will do it.
This is not a pipe
#14
Lovely changes; I agree that it works well, and it probably enhances the meaning, too, but I don't have the two versions side-by-side

If you feel like it, .

peace
#15
Looks like cool little piece of poetry you could get up at an open poetry night and everyone of them beatnick hippies would click their fingers and say "wow man that's far out" and I mean no disrespect because you seem like a decent enough writer but I thought this was songwriting and lyrics. I just can't see how that would make good lyrics. I could see how it would make good poetry. But lyrics for song??? that seems a stretch.

Feel free to return fire: Walk Away (link to my lyrics)

EDIT: Reading them again I change my mind. I could see those working as lyrics in a song and can hear it in my head. Last night I just couldn't get it but today I can.

Though I'm still not quite sure exactly what, it does speak to me.
Si
Last edited by 20Tigers at Mar 19, 2009,
#16
My thoughts:

First stanza seemed to sprawling. Like someone just crawling along a street saying absolutely everything that comes into her head as she looks around. It felt circular, and the only line I really thought was worth the effort was the last one. I loved that.

Second stanza was more directed... and I liked that feel better. Felt like it was going somewhere. Internal rhyme was gorgeous, as were the breaks... but still can't help but feel like you've taken 14 lines to cover 3 lines worth of material. I understand that its about making that material "mysterious" and dark... but it seems over-presented to me. But, you know how much we vary on ideology of writing.

Third stanza. Finally. Thank you. Content, pace, tone, motion in the piece. I liked this a lot.

The twist is good, and pretty. But honestly, I expected it. Even the first time I read this version, I was waiting for it; knowing you almost never write for the twist at the end. May have been over-analyzing... may have been over thinking... I dunno. But I was waiting for a delivery like that; and it came. Not necessarily bad... but it didn't pop as much with me, because I felt what you were leading toward.


On the whole:
I liked this. It was pretty. I just don't think it holds a candle to most of your pieces. Obviously, I'm the only one. So, I'll just shut up and end with, there are pieces from you that I still think about. There are liens you've written that still pop into my head and shake my brain and mental foundations... this piece won't fall in those; but the third stanza of it may pop up from time to time, as it was quite tasty.

#17
Wow...I'd been looking at a bunch of threads and nothing had really jumped out at me as being particularly good, but then I read this...you seriously have talent. This song is very vivid and heartfelt.

Sailing in blackness, constellations
of spies spread against veined streets,
vain sheets of well lit roads that almost
never end and buildings bending into shapes
well raped by schemes of men.
They all have names.


I admit, the first two lines are only decent, but the last four flow excellently, ending very well.

But little did I care, as I
thought them more beautiful
in anonymity. Mere outlines
of varied sizes in disguises not
of their own making,
distinguished only by
my self sufficient, thinking
mind.


This is an incredible stanza, just the overall feel of it. I don't think this could be improved.

From height, it all lacked motion;
dead beauty stacked with caution and I
began to name each one,
all living sparks, all clearly marked
as designated spaces,
somewhere places.


Just as good as the last stanza, and once again, I can't hardly critique it, except to say that it's already brilliant.

I hoped
somewhere along the sparkline,
was perhaps one
looking up,
thinking me
the shooting star
I am.


Bravo. Excellent way to end it. I have little more to say than this is one of my favorite pieces that I've read.

I've got some lyrics in my signature too, if you would oblige.