#1
Work in progress. C4C


The thoughts, they stir
Between me and her
From the start to the end
From my birth to my death
The love, so tainted
The glance, so stagnant
Our words exchanged
But nothing will change...

Surely we'd both agree
it's better to let this go.
Let our hearts reassemble to
neatly sewn patchwork at best,
But breathe easy once again
because love is just a hex

Surely we'd both agree
we should fight to the death.
Surround ourselves in blood,
red puddles in a world of gray,
And attack all those who question
If our love deemed "okay"

But alas,
from what I render,
this is somewhat one-sided.
You love, and I love,
But together we've never tried it.
Our ships have sailed,
Our hearts have failed.
Where love and lust blur,
is where "they" prevail.
#2
The thoughts, they stir
Between me and her
From the start to the end
From my birth to my death
The love, so tainted
The glance, so stagnant
Our words exchanged
But nothing will change...

Perhaps change the 5th and 6th line "the"'s to "our." and the last line "but" to "our" as well?

Surely we'd both agree
it's better to let this go.
Let our hearts reassemble to
neatly sewn patchwork at best,
But breathe easy once again
because love is just a hex

"surely we'd both agree / it'd be better to let this go."
get rid of the "to" in line 3
I liked line 4 alot. interesting thought.
line 6, uhhh ughhh. I don't like it at all. "hex" isn't fitting at all.


Surely we'd both agree
we should fight to the death.
Surround ourselves in blood,
red puddles in a world of gray,
And attack all those who question
If our love deemed "okay"

"to" to "till"
"red puddles in a grey world"
"If our love IS deemed 'okay'"



But alas,
from what I render,
this is somewhat one-sided.
You love, and I love,
But together we've never tried it.
Our ships have sailed,
Our hearts have failed.
Where love and lust blur,
is where "they" prevail.

not sure how I feel about line 3. its not really onesided, its just not there. (i hope that made sense)
4 and 5 = good
"our full furreld (sp?) hearts failed" < to keep with the ship thing from the previous line.


overall. ehh. not my favorite, but it can work.
If you can do some of it over trying to bring the idea that "they" want you to fail throughout the piece it might be stronger.
also, the little sailing reference you use at the end could be used more throughout the poem if your going to keep it in there.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1088132
^ mine if you've got the time

-Ryan