#1
C4C i havent written a chorus yet but im hoping this will fit nicely on a concept album ive been working on. its kind of a bluesy acoustic song.

dirty water in a broken glass
in the quivering clutches of an old mans grasp
foul breath slipping past his teeth
and you cant understand a single word he speaks

still air in the white hot sun
and the man in the corner's probably on the run
walking slowly with your stone face on
about to do something that youve never done

broken wings on a dragonfly
just hanging on the screen door trying to survive
a crack runs through the window pane
and the sun in the west goes down in flames

dry skin and brittle bones
you used to stay awake talking on the telephone
desert snakes all about your feet
standing where the sun and the shadows meet
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#2
Cool stuff. I love bluesy acoustic stuff and concept albums always rock. This song doesn't make much sense to me, but I'll assume because other songs feed into it.
The first verse is alright, it sets up the song decently, the second verse seems a little weak, but I love the third and fourth verses. I guess really the only line that bothers me in the 2nd verse is this one:

still air in the white hot sun maybe try "stagnant air in the white sun."

Other than that, it's great. I hope to see more related material soon!
"There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character." - Maddox
#3
i dont know what its about either. i know what i want it to be about but until i finish it im not sure it works. after i write the chorus ill probably rearrange the verses so it makes more sense.
this is acutally the first song ive written for the album, i already have the song titles planned, what i want them to be about, and what i want the music to sound like but this is the first ive been able to write

thanks for the feedback
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#4
''foul breath slipping past his teeth
and you cant understand a single word he speaks''

I like this. Good choice of words and it flows nicely.
Keep it up
#5
first impression's really good, I like the atmosphere this song creates. Nice choice of words aswell.

dirty water in a broken glass
in the quivering clutches of an old mans grasp
foul breath slipping past his teeth
and you cant understand a single word he speaks
really nice pictures here and I like the rhymes because they don't seem forced. Makes me wanna read more

still air in the white hot sun
and the man in the corner's probably on the run
walking slowly with your stone face on
about to do something that youve never done
I don't like your starting off with "still" here, seems like something's missing as if this thought comes out of nowhere. but the rest flows well, connects to the ambiance created in verse 1

broken wings on a dragonfly
just hanging on the screen door trying to survive
a crack runs through the window pane
and the sun in the west goes down in flames
The going back to the whole sun-thing really works for me

dry skin and brittle bones
you used to stay awake talking on the telephone
desert snakes all about your feet
standing where the sun and the shadows meet
would be a good ending but I'm still missing a chorus to connect it all... can't wait to read more
#6
As far as blues go, the writing suits the genre well. Have to agree with the others on replacing 'still' on the second verse. Stagnant was suggested, stale might also do well. 'Slowly' in the second verse also seems like it doesn't quite lend itself to the idea behind it. If a man's about to do something he's never done before he probably has some kind of emotion about it.. I picture a murder in which case walking sombre might work, but, depending on what you mean it to be with your concept, he should be walking accordingly. I'd also remove pane from the third verse - window seems sufficient and it seems like you want the image to be focused on the crack rather than the window itself? Also for verse
four if the man you're trying to describe is old 'dry skin' might be replaced to something that connotes age or wisdom better. The 'talking on the telephone' line also seems out of place in the fourth verse. The rest of the lines kind of convey the image of an ageold desert, so either make the telephone in line with that or cut the desert imagery. Again agreeing with the above crew I love blues and this is the most original blues writing I've seen in awhile while still staying true to ye olde blues themes like crime, drugs, just getting by, etc.