#1
Hello, I just started using the site. I would like some help on a song I have been writing I will C4C but I am not very good at it.

Go ahead and say
What you have to say
But quit drawing out
The me and the you

Because I don’t need
A comparison
Of the rough spots
That measure our lives

Our roads aren’t as <---chorus
Parallel as we though
Our lives aren’t linear
As much as they are crossed

The messages your wrote
The letters I typed
They cover all
Of our years, apart

They smudged and smeared
Could we make out the print?
Or where they wrote in vein?
Words and tears lost on paper

Chorus

The years have changed us
We’re so much different
Than who we we’re
Different, from before

I wonder would we
Know each others faces
Or would we be like
Just passing strangers

But you should know
Since I’m just a
Mirroring image
Of who you we’re.
#2
I'm not a big fan of rhyming the say/say in the intro. It doesn't exactly build up anticipation, and is somewhat cliche. However, I liked the rest of this piece. Obviously you're expressing some kind of conflict you've had with your father, but I still feel like this is lacking the emotion that should be behind someting like this. Just work at it a bit, make it a little more complex maybe.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1083114
Last edited by Niki (guitar) at Mar 17, 2009,
#3
Yea I didn't like the say rhyme much myself, but I'm unsure what to put there. More emotion hmm I'll see what I can do.
#5
i'm sorry but i'm not really feeling this.
i think your rhyming seems a bit forced and i feel like it's lacking emotion
But keep trying and keep writing:')
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros...