#1
Me and a friend wrote this freshman year of high school, for an honors English class, given the assignment to work with a partner. Surprisingly, 6 years later, I found it on my computer and still like most of it, although I find it a little wordy and that it jumps around without a real point until the very end. Let me know what you think, guys. C4C, of course.


"Hell's Only Verge"

Forsaken bodies decay in forgotten graves,
Like sculptures on hidden shores long-shattered by waves,
Sorrowful mortality suffocates in melancholy dreams,
From the graves rise persecuted cries and tormented screams.

Irregular heartbeats flicker in a desolate battlefield,
A morbid truth drowns the innocent with blood congealed,
Agonized silence shrouds a fallen wraith,
While nameless martyrs defend a tarnished faith.

As I contemplate the threshold of the forlorn abyss,
Nebulous thoughts evoke me to silently reminisce,
Of a chasm that resonates a ghostly dirge,
Shall I traverse alone along hell’s only verge?
"There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character." - Maddox
#3
a little morbid for my taste but i actually liked this quite a bit more than most pieces in this style. i especialy liked the first two lines, it kind of went from really dark imagery to something less disturbing but just as poetic. im a big fan of contrast.


i really liked how it flowed, though a couple of lines seem long by a syllable.

the last stanza is great, it really sums up the whole thing. overall i think this i really good, i dont see anything that should be changed. i hope you got an A

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1088534
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#4
A morbid truth drowns the innocent with blood congealed,

This is good, morbid but i like morbid.

You should be proud. Keep it up.
#5
Quote by Oddpod11
Me and a friend wrote this freshman year of high school, for an honors English class, given the assignment to work with a partner. Surprisingly, 6 years later, I found it on my computer and still like most of it, although I find it a little wordy and that it jumps around without a real point until the very end. Let me know what you think, guys. C4C, of course.


"Hell's Only Verge"

Forsaken bodies decay in forgotten graves,
Like sculptures on hidden shores long-shattered by waves,
Sorrowful mortality suffocates in melancholy dreams,
From the graves rise persecuted cries and tormented screams.

What I like most about this verse is the alliteration through the first three lines. I don't think the third line quite fits in with the rest.

Irregular heartbeats flicker in a desolate battlefield,
A morbid truth drowns the innocent with blood congealed,
Agonized silence shrouds a fallen wraith,
While nameless martyrs defend a tarnished faith.

We get some back story, good. I feel like I'm around a campfire during the times of the Roman empire, being told a story.

As I contemplate the threshold of the forlorn abyss,
Nebulous thoughts evoke me to silently reminisce,
Of a chasm that resonates a ghostly dirge,
Shall I traverse alone along hell’s only verge?

I like how this heads backwards in time and perspective.



Overall, pretty darned good. My only dismay was that the fantastic alliteration was all crammed into the first stanza. No love for the last two?
#6
Forsaken bodies decay in forgotten graves,
Like sculptures on hidden shores long-shattered by waves,
Sorrowful mortality suffocates in melancholy dreams,
From the graves rise persecuted cries and tormented screams.


I thought that, like the guy above me, the alliteration was a nice touch. I think that the third line is a little long and doesn't really match the other three, but that could be fixed fairly easily.

Irregular heartbeats flicker in a desolate battlefield,
A morbid truth drowns the innocent with blood congealed,
Agonized silence shrouds a fallen wraith,
While nameless martyrs defend a tarnished faith.


Ooh, the "battlefield" with "congealed" rhyme is excellent. Parts of it seem a little contradictory though - wraiths and martyrs are two completely different things - but that might be what you're going for.

As I contemplate the threshold of the forlorn abyss,
Nebulous thoughts evoke me to silently reminisce,
Of a chasm that resonates a ghostly dirge,
Shall I traverse alone along hell’s only verge?


Almost flawless. Not much to say, except good dramatization.

It was really good. Nothing in it seemed to stand out as incredible, besides maybe the congealed line, but it was definitely one of my better reads today.

My song is in my sig, by the way.
#7
The problem with this is it gets so lost in its own language. Feels like you just found a new thesaurus, really. It didn't seem natural or heartfelt, but instead was overly descriptive (to a fault) and never lets the reader sit down and just enjoy the thoughts presented because it was all hidden by such a dense diction.

Some nice touches with the alliteration and the congealed line did hit well... but on the whole I'm afraid this was just too dense to really sit well with me as a reader. Be more natural, less rigid, and just present what you have to say. It's not a competition to see who can use the most 3 syllable and obscure words.

It was good for what it was though, and not a bad read by any means.