#1
A song for father.


Not enough money that was your defence...
...but we wouldn't go abroad if it cost two pence.

But i found some money in an old woolen hat...
...put aside for a flasher mac.

Have a drink.
I insist.
Sperm killing... gas giving.

Have a drink.
I insist.
Sperm killing... gas giving.


Sitting around in your purple gown while muggins here works nights.
Verbally abused by morally confused somthing dont seem right.


Fast asleep while mother weeps you drive on through the smog.

Have a drink.
I insist.
Sperm killing... gas giving.

Poor me you will rant and rave such crazed exxageration.
Poor mother i say...her days breed frustration.

She filled the hat for the flasher mac.
Its too late now we cant go back.

Have a drink.
I insist.
Sperm killing... gas giving.

Have a drink.
I insist.
Sperm killing...life saving.
#3
^From what I can tell he's only posted three threads. The first was a week ago (a completely different song) then this one the very next day. It was closed straight away by yourself and he was asked to read the rules which I think are one song per week right?

He posted a few crits of other peoples songs through the week and now seven days after his first post he reposted this one. Probably figured it was okay to do so as the first time he posted he didn't get any feedback due to it being closed for not following the rules.

So from what I can tell this is the first time he has "reposted" this.

I like it. I like the lines "Sitting around in your purple gown.....something don't seem right."
And the inherent rhythm in the "Have a drink. I insist. Sperm killing...gas giving." I'm not sure I like the gas giving part though it fits the rhythm. And the final "Life saving" feels jarring when I read it - maybe that's the point.

Best of luck.
Si
Last edited by 20Tigers at Mar 17, 2009,
#5
other than the english terms which i didnt understand i liked it. it follows a story, it flows and ryhmes well and has some interesting lines

nicely done
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#7
I keep seeing this posted...

Ah well, I enjoyed it. I thought that this first bit...

"Not enough money that was your defence...
...but we wouldn't go abroad if it cost two pence.

But i found some money in an old woolen hat...
...put aside for a flasher mac."


...was the best, and then it got gradually worse. It actually didn't really get worse, persay, it just got bland. I thought the general idea behind this was good, and the lines I mentioned were about 8 or 9 out of 10, but as a whole piece, I'd give it maybe a 6. If you maybe expanded on your ideas visually, then it might have been better for me personally. Overall, though, decent piece.

If you do C4C, I've got a song in my link.