#1
Hi guys. I'm new here, and I figured I'd try my hand at some words. Any insight or comments would be appreciated!


A sterile room
A beeping sigh
With one last breath
She says goodbye

He’s left alone
The only warmth there
His face in hands
He wants to die

Maybe there’s just not enough time
For the things we wish to say

He quit that room
But did not leave
His heart destroyed
Gone from his sleeve

It takes some work
But he is repaired
He takes a chance
To love again

Maybe there’s just not enough time
For the things we wish to say
And maybe there is just enough time
To get it right
To make sure it’s right

Another night
He thinks of her
He knows inside
She was right all along

She said to him
I loved well
If that’s all I get
I will be okay

I’ll be okay

Maybe there’s just not enough time
For the things we wish to say
And maybe there is just enough time
To get it right
To make sure it’s right
#2
A sterile room
A beeping sigh
With one last breath
She says goodbye
I like the abrupt opening, recreating the feel of someone who just realized what was happening. I'm not so sure about the last two lines - they need more description, or just something to give them an image, like the first two lines did so well. Describe her breath if you want, maybe contrast it with sigh: rattling, silent, pained, relaxed, etc.

He’s left alone
The only warmth there
His face in hands
He wants to die
Decent image, but if you compare this to the first verse, the major difference is that now you're starting each line with a pronoun. I liked the detached form of the first verse.

Maybe there’s just not enough time
For the things we wish to say
I hate to sound insensitive on a sensitive topic, but you have to find another way to say this. Take out the maybe, it throws uncertainty into it.

He quit that room
But did not leave
His heart destroyed
Gone from his sleeve
Best verse, I think. I like the play on words with the heart that used to be on his sleeve. You could also consider giving the He/His lines more detachment.

It takes some work
But he is repaired
He takes a chance
To love again
Needs more images or description.

Maybe there’s just not enough time
For the things we wish to say
And maybe there is just enough time
To get it right
To make sure it’s right
I like the change halfway through the song.

Another night
He thinks of her
He knows inside
She was right all along
You could throw out the first two lines of this verse and it would still say the same thing. I'm sure you can think of a better two lines =)

She said to him
I loved well
If that’s all I get
I will be okay
Decent closing verse. I like how it relates to the previous verse.

I’ll be okay

Maybe there’s just not enough time
For the things we wish to say
And maybe there is just enough time
To get it right
To make sure it’s right
"There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character." - Maddox